Saturday, April 11, 2009

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

Friends, what draws us to certain people? What makes us find one person attractive and not another? Is it something inherent in us, or something we learn to like? My mother once told me that I like men with "long faces". It's true, some of the men I find the most handsome have long, angular faces. Is this because I have such a round face, that I would look for men with long faces so that if we ever had children they'd have a chance at having that perfect combination of angles and cheekbones? Hmmm... I remember as a child making up my mind that I would marry someone with light-colored eyes so that maybe my children would also have light eyes. I never REALLY thought it would happen, my eyes are so dark that I assumed my kids would be brown-eyed as well. I was wrong. The boy has hazel eyes, the daughter a beautiful blue. Was it inherent looking for long-faced men, and a choice for light eyes? Vice versa? Both?

When we're choosing a love-interest, what do we look for, aside from looks? This is always a grey area to me. I remember when I first got with Big Daddy, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. But then we talked and spent time together and I realized that this larger than life personality was only a small part of him. He had a heart of gold, cried if he was touched by something, and was kind and considerate. Those are all things I like in a person, that I might not find in someone else because they're not as physically attractive. Does that mean I let certain things slide because of those baby blues? It's possible. Am I still letting things slide because of them? Perhaps. Does he do the same for me? Absolutely. I've also met men through the years who were very easy on the eyes. And then I've spent time talking to them and they're not-so-easy on the ears. They're full of themselves, angry at life in general, or just plain boring. These are the ones we dismiss, and accept it as a fact of life that we're just not compatible.

It's confusing to me why some people stay with their significant other. I hear people talk about their partner/spouse/lover like they're a curse. Why do people stay if they're unhappy? Why don't they sit down and talk to that person and try to work it out? If they're not married, why continue the relationship? Has society instructed us to pair-up with such influence that people allow themselves to be unhappy so that they follow the rules? Are they too lazy to look for a new place? Are they too chicken shit to bring it up? Are they afraid that if they let that person go, that they'll lose a place to live/a job/money/etc.? Being unhappy with someone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'd rather be alone.

Aside from the physical, we look for people similar to us. I don't mean exactly the same, but definitely similar. I have friends of all sizes, shapes, colors and backgrounds. But take off their outer shell and we all lead similar lives. We love our friends and families, enjoy cultural events, are technically savvy, and have strong work ethics. Some of my friends are younger, which puts them at a different point in their life. But we're still close and enjoy much of the same things.

Why do we choose some people as friends, but not others? I have no doubt that we also look for attractiveness in our friends. But when we're making friends, that attraction may come from a variety of places. Sometimes we're attracted to their lively nature, or their honesty, or their generosity, or their humility, or their outrageous sense of humor. Sometimes, they're physically attractive and so we're more open to friendship with them. It happens, even if we don't want to admit it. I remember meeting someone about a decade ago that I had no interest in being friends with. She seemed a little "old school" to me, and I am more contemporary. But, we shared some conversations and I realized how similar we are. We both enjoyed traveling, culture, dining out, and more. And although she may be a little old school, she's not nearly as old school as I thought. She's a real techie with every new gadget out there, she dates like it's her last week on earth, and she's up for anything at the drop of a hat. I think what I like most about her is that despite how differently we carry ourselves, she's never judgemental or negative. I've always prided myself on being those two things, so it's wonderful to get it from someone else too.

I suppose if we could pin-point why we choose to include certain people in our lives, it would omit a whole lot of toxic people that make their way in!