Saturday, January 24, 2009

Too Much of a Good Thing?

Last weekend, XBD came to visit me for a long weekend. We had been talking regularly and despite being guarded, I wanted to spend some more time with him HERE, the place we had once called "our place". Who knew the weekend would be so eventful?

I had taken Friday off so I was home all day. We hadn't planned on him coming out until Friday evening. He called me mid-morning and we talked about him coming earlier so we could spend more time together. His cousin and a friend drove him out and we sat around talking for a while. The four of us then headed to a little local dive bar. We shared two pitchers of beer and decided to go get some food. We took off and, crap, got pulled over by the cops in my little one-horse town. It seems the friend had thrown a cigarette butt out the window. They pulled XBD out of the car and asked him where he was from. XBD told him and they asked him what he was doing in this area. He pointed to me and said they were visiting me. The officer proceeded to put XBD in the back of his car. He then pulled out his cousin, and then the friend. He frisked them, checked their licenses and questioned them all. He then came over and talked to me, asking me who they are. I told them who they all were to me, and he asked me if I had lived in that area all my life. I told him no, I had just moved there from the city, where I had lived for over a decade. He never once asked to see my license, or any sort of identification.

He asked me if I was okay to drive and I told him I was fine. He made XBD's cousin and friend get back in the car with me and had us follow him to the police station, where he gave XBD a breathalizer test. We assume he passed, because then the officer came out and said he was taking him to the local hospital where they would give him a blood test. He told us XBD would call us and we could pick him up from the hospital. We went back to the house and sat tight. When XBD did call about an hour or so later, he asked us to pick him up from the police station. We thought this was weird, but we headed out. As soon as I pulled off our street, the police were waiting to follow me there. I pulled in to the police station and went in to pick up XBD. I slowly realized that they didn't have me pick him up from the hospital because it's not in their municipality and they wouldn't be able to follow me. I think they really just wanted to verify that I lived where I said I did, but who knows?

Once we got out of the police station, we went back to our original plans of getting food. We also had several pitchers of beer before heading home. XBD and I insisted that the cousin and friend stay at our place but the friend insisted otherwise and they left after midnight. XBD and I were nervous about this, but they left anyway. Thank heavens, they made it home okay.

We woke up Saturday and had some intimate time together. It was.... different. In a good way. I don't like going into details like that, so I won't. But let's just say I was very much satisfied, but I wanted more. I knew we would be together for a couple more days so I didn't sweat it.

On Sunday, I got to drive in slippery snow for the first time. It was horrifying but XBD helped me through it. Yes, I've lived in Pittsburgh since 1996, but I had managed to NEVER drive in snow the whole time. When I told XBD that it was my first time driving in it, he was surprised I didn't panic more than I did. Having lived in L.A. for so many years, driving comes naturally to me, but so does knowing where I am and where I'm going. I know L.A. like the back of my hand, but the Pittsburgh area has always baffled me.

Later that day, we watched the Steelers win the AFC championship. In the last four minutes of the game, the Ravens offense took the field. XBD had worn down his fingernails biting them and he was uber-nervous. I calmly looked at him and said, "Flacco hasn't been on the field in over half an hour, he's cold, he's throwing an interception and Polamalu is getting it". Next thing we know, that's exactly what happened. We were screaming and jumping and hugging each other. I called everything but the touchdown. Our cell phones started ringing off the hook; his calls came from his family in Florida, mine came from my family in L.A.

Monday was a holiday and I was off work. We spent the day inside, cuddling in the recliner watching TV. We didn't seem to be on the same page intimately and I guess we crossed signals somewhere. Basically, I think we both wanted it but neither was inclined to ask for it.

Monday night, I got a call from the brother of my first husband, who died of cancer back in early 1991. I have remained close to the family and he called me to ask me to come back to L.A. for a memorial service in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Folks, he's been gone for 18 years and they've never had a memorial service for him. There was no way I could get time off in that short of time, having just gotten a promotion. The weeks before the anniversary of his death is always a hard time for me emotionally. I'm typically very melancholy, angry and in tears much of the time, even with the passing of time. This made things even worse for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to make the memorial for him. By the end of my phone conversation, I was a blubbering mess, unable to speak or do anything more than sob. XBD was very understanding, and held me and tried to comfort me.

He stayed home and caulked roomies tub on Tuesday while I went to work. I knew he was planning on going to his son's basketball game that night. He headed out late that afternoon. I told him I wouldn't see him the following weekend because I wanted to give him some time to bond with his son. He told me he'd give me a call after the game.

After this long weekend, I was feeling disconnected again. Despite the intimacy, the cuddling, the time we spent together, I was feeling "some kind of way". I was pissed at him and I didn't know why. It could have been because the anniversary of my entry into widowhood was coming, I don't know. I decided I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Apparently, he felt the same way. He never called me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Life in the Slow Lane

Ah love..... such a wonderful emotion, the anticipation of seeing that special someone..... oh who am I kidding? Love can be tricky sometimes.

I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.

On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.

Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.

Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.

I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Where Do We Go From Here?

Good evening friends! It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I haven't posted on this blog because there hasn't been much in the relationship aspect of my life lately. XBD and I recently started talking again after two weeks of very little contact. Those two weeks consisted of me working a whole lot of overtime to take my mind off of things.

He got a new phone number today and we talked a bit. I'm so torn right now. I'm still so in love with him and it's hard to let go of that feeling. We both made so many mistakes in our relationship, and we took each other for granted. These past couple of weeks gave us time to put things in prospective, because we probably only talked twice.

His daughter had her baby yesterday, which is really what started us talking. From what I understand, she's a beautiful baby girl. I talked to his daughter, who was keeping me abreast on the labor, and told her I would come out this weekend and see the baby. XBD and I agreed we'd spend some time together outside of visiting his new granddaughter. I spoke very openly to him today, less guarded than normal, and told him I missed him. His response was, "there's no possible way you can miss me more than I miss you". He asked me when I was coming out this weekend and I told him I wasn't sure. He asked me if I would stay the whole weekend. I told him I would come out Friday and we'd see how things went.

Folks, I don't want getting back together with XBD to be a goal right now. I'd like to spend time with him. But we need to take things VERY slowly. We dove into this relationship and didn't set any ground rules for each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't have to tell someone not to take my ATM card and our roommates car. I'm really mad at him for ruining that special relationship we had. I'm pissed off that he abused the trust I had in him. I'm also confused about whether he learned a valuable lesson about losing someone because of something stupid he did, or maybe the valuable lesson was that he can do stupid things and know that, eventually, I'll come back to him. And that's the one thing that grates on me the most.

I started thinking that maybe I thought the relationship was better than it really was. Was I running him off so well that he took that opportunity to ruin things with me so he had an out? I had no idea. I finally broke down today and asked him if he thought we had a good relationship. He said, "Yeah, I thought so. Why? Didn't you?" I said I thought we did as well, but I didn't know if I was looking at it all a little skewed, and I never knew what he was thinking. He said he loved me, he always had, and always would.

So where do we go from here? We once had our relationship planned out. We knew what we were doing from one day to the next, and had things planned weeks in advance. We don't do that anymore. With the exception of our plans to spend time together this weekend, we're just taking it minute by minute.