Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Was Blind, But Now I See

Wow. What a difference a day makes! Well, maybe a couple days. I'm no longer crying, no longer heaving sobs with the loss of that great love. Mostly I'm looking back at at things that happened over the past nine months in disbelief.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I wanted things to work with XBD so badly. Maybe I felt like I wanted to help him. Maybe I felt privileged to be with him, that this womanizer had chosen ME. Maybe I enjoyed the spotlight that being with him brought me. Whatever it is, the fog has lifted and I'm a different woman.

In the midst of my depression, and when I was off work the day after his birthday party, I decided to go back and read my blogs from the time when I was with him. And there was only one happy blog. The rest of them were filled with doubts about the relationship (Really, go back and read them!). I never doubted that he loved me, and I still don't, but I doubted the validity of the relationship. A LOT. That should have been a red flag for me right away. I look back with amazement, at what seems to be a "spell" that he had on me.

Yesterday, I started thinking about things in the relationship that should have shown me that things weren't right. First of all, I cheated on him. Why would I cheat on someone with whom I was so madly in love? I had a wandering eye and never considered it off limits to go out with someone else. I always told them I had a boyfriend, but I went out with them anyway. Secondly, I was worried about XBD meeting my family, co-workers, etc. I worried about how he would carry himself, whether he would be appropriate or not, and what he would discuss. He had a myriad of children (with the same number of mothers) that I didn't admit to everyone. Finally, I didn't admit to everyone that we were even dating. After what happened in December, I was ashamed of the fact that I was back together with him. Even my blogs showed that I avidly tried to hold back, but whatever drew me to him was so strong that I just fell back into the same cycle. But I didn't admit it to certain people in my life, because I didn't want them to think I was stupid. And why wouldn't I want them to think that? Unless I WAS stupid, of course. Words to ponder. And ponder I did.

So I got home and saw some of his sweatpants and a pair of shorts lying on a chair. I picked them up to put them in the dresser and decided I'd pack up some things for him. One empty dresser later, I felt an incredible feeling of release. I decided to stop at that point because if I kept on going, I'd be up all night. But I sat down, in the recliner that he had made his own, and looked around the room at all the possibilities. All that sports memorabilia? It would be gone. Those empty top-shelf liquor bottles? Gone. All of his breakfast-cereal-character-collectibles? Gone. And I'd have a whole new dresser for my own things, more room for my books, and a whole lot less clutter (honestly, the things he kept!).

I will not trash-talk XBD. As I said in my last blog, he did more for me than he probably realizes. If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living with the ex-husband, and miserable. I lost weight so I could look better for him (a little stress might have been involved to, but I did do it initially for him). This lead to better eating habits on my part, and an ability to say no to things that normally were my weakness (chocolate, chips, non-diet soda). I felt alive when I was with him, and completely loved. I hadn't felt like that since my first husband was alive and it brought out that light in me that had long been out.

I look back on my time with XBD and know I'll have some great memories. He had a huge role in a transitional part of my life, so it's not like I'm going to forget about him anytime soon. But it's in the same way I'll never forget that boss I had who taught me so much about business. I still love him and care about him, but it's in the same manner I love and care about other people in my life. It's no longer this all-consuming devotion. People come and go from our lives and some of them are special enough to have an impact on us that we'll never forget. They serve their purpose and then it's time for them to move on. I'd like to think that I did the same for XBD, but it's not important. All in all, it was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The End of the End

Well folks, it's finally splitsville for me and Big Daddy. And this time it's for good. This issue he had back in December came back. And that I cannot tolerate. I believe in giving everyone a second chance. Lord knows I've deserved a second and third chance. But giving someone a second chance when it comes to drug abuse, well, that's where the chances end. I'm not even going to go into what happened in detail, it's irrelevant.

This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.

This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".

I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.

Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.

As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.