Saturday, May 29, 2010

Volver, Volver, Volver?

If you're not Hispanic, particularly Mexican, you may not know what the word "volver" means. Well, it means "to return". Relevant today, because XBD returns from the South.

It's been a whole 2-1/2 months since he left. I haven't seen him for well over a month. So many things have happened since I left him at that Florida airport. Oh sure, I came back home and busied myself with friends and events. But then I started getting lonely. And when the date came for XBD to come home, it was clear he wasn't going to make it. There was never really anything in stone at first, but in early May, he had shot for mid-month and that came and went. I finally asked XBD what was the deal. I told him I understood completely if he wasn't coming back. My parents mean the world to me so I understood him staying to take care of his aging mom. He assured me he was coming back.

He finally made plans to be back last Friday. That never happened and my patience was wearing thin. You see, I would have been able to accept him telling me he wasn't coming back, but this constant postponing was making me wonder if he just buying time. Either way, I was done waiting. I realized a good bit of our relationship was me waiting for him to come back from someplace. I was tired of waiting. Not only that, I was tired of doing things alone. I wanted to get out and socialize with a man. It didn't have to be anything romantic. I'm happy to say the men I know treat me very much like a woman, even if we are just friends. They pay tabs, they open doors, and pull out chairs. And that's exactly what I needed.

A couple of days after that same Friday, I called up an old friend, who had been early competition for XBD. There's nothing between us anymore, but we enjoy each others' company. We met that Sunday for drinks at a local bar/restaurant. We had a few, and then ate. At one point, XBD called and I told him I went there alone. Technically, I did, I just met the friend there. Later on in the evening, after I had drank way too many Hoegaardens, XBD called again and I spilled the beans about who I was there with. XBD was livid. I tried to tell him that I didn't originally tell him who I was meeting because of exactly this situation. He'd be riled up over nothing. As it turns out, my guy friend gave me a ride home, and went straight home himself. XBD didn't talk to me for a couple days. When he did, I told him that I didn't know if I wanted this relationship anymore. I told him I needed certain things in my life, not hundreds of miles away. I told him I loved him and I understood, but I wasn't waiting for him anymore. He assured me he would be home that Friday and I knew it wasn't the truth.

The following Tuesday, I met a girlfriend out to do some shoe shopping. We shopped at one store and decided that having a couple martinis sounded like a better idea. We had a few martinis and contemplated how we'd get home. She called a friend to see if they'd give us a ride and they couldn't. We had settled on calling a cab until I told her to let me make one more try. I'm not sure why I did this, but I called the gentleman from my "Old Lovers and Friends" blog. He answered immediately. I asked him what he was up to, and he said he was out having a drink and asked if I'd like to join him. I said no, but asked if he'd be willing to join my friend and I and have a drink, and give us rides home. He jumped at it. He met us where we were and when he walked in, I went to greet him. He immediately but his arms around me and kissed me. Not just a light peck, but a full-blown kiss, in front of my friends.

I didn't fight him at all. I've always been attracted to him. We had spent some time together about 10 years ago, when my ex and I were separated. Two years, to be exact. There was always a tension between us and I knew right then what was going to happen. When it came time for us to leave, he gave my friend cab money, and took me home. Oh people, I have missed this man. But the fact remains that even though we spent two years together in the past, and I still love him, I couldn't allow myself to forget how he had broke my heart in the end. I knew that even if we had encounters every couple years, I'd never let him have my heart again.

A day passed and he called me to talk. He told me that he has never been able to forget me, and he was so sorry he had hurt me in the past, and he knew that he had blown it. He professed his love to me, and I started to cry. I still love him, there's no doubt. But there are decisions that he made that are not so easily changed. A couple days later, XBD called and said he would definitely be home Saturday night, instead of Friday. I laughed because I figured this was just another ploy to keep me waiting. I told him that we had alot of things to talk about, if he actually did come home.

Last night, the old love called me and apologized for putting me on the spot. He told me he knew he had broken my heart, and he had no right to try to get me back now. I thanked him for understanding. He interrupted me and said if things don't work out between XBD and I, to call him and he will be waiting for me. I was stunned into silence. This man who had broken my heart with absolutely no warning, who had given up on us every "really" being together (his words), who had spent an entire weekend with me before asking someone else to marry him, was still getting to me. But I stayed strong and said nothing. How could I say anything? I didn't know if I'd ever be able to let myself go with him, like I had before, and who needs another paranoid relationship?

As soon as I hung up the phone, some friends showed up and we went to the movies. While sitting in the movie theater, my phone vibrated and I saw it was coming from XBD's mom's house. I knew it, I thought, he never actually left and he won't be home tomorrow. I finished watching the movie and checked the voice mail on my way home. It was XBD's mom, telling me he had left and thanking me for letting her have her son for a while. On one hand, I felt horrid for taking her son away from her. On the other hand, I had told him several times that if he stayed there, I would understand. But chances are, he knew that meant I wouldn't be waiting for him.

I'd like to think that XBD made the decision to come back because he loved and missed me. But I know he has personal business to take care of up here, not to mention his kids are here. He called me today from Tennessee and said he was on his way and he'd be here tonight. Right now, I'm torn between relaxing and doing things around here until he shows up, or going out and getting a few drinks in me so I can deal with seeing him again and what kind of feelings will arise in me. I still have an entire afternoon before he gets in about midnight. I'll figure it out. Cross your fingers for me, okay?