Sunday, June 27, 2010

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Well folks, XBD made it home that weekend back in late May. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. I had told him that I wasn't waiting for him anymore and now here he was, back at home. We nervously and pensively moved through the days and before you know it, after a week or so, we were back into the routine of our relationship.

A couple weeks after he got home, XBD's son came and spent a week with us. He was being hunted by a local university for a basketball scholarship. XBD was incredibly proud of him. It was a nice time, with XBD taking him around the city and us sharing evening meals and time together. He left and went back to Fayette County with us on his heels.

The weekend that XBD's son left was the same weekend we had planned a birthday party for XBD. Remember last year's party? Well I do, and I was feeling so much anxiety about this year. I had no need to feel this way. We made our way out to the country and started setting up his party at the local American Legion. It was a much smaller turnout than we had expected, and there was a torrential downpour for about an hour. But we enjoyed food, drink, family and friends. The party was perfect, his children came and it was so comforting having them there. Normally when he gets around his "crew", XBD is the center of attention (more so than usual). And while this happened, he made sure to come over and constantly shower me with attention. So many of our friends came up to me and told me how nice it was seeing us so much in love again. I agreed. Even though I was still considering this a period where I was trying to decide if I wanted to stay in this relationship, I couldn't deny that he loved me and he had no problem letting everyone know it.

And that is why this week came as such a surprise. XBD's party had been a mere five days before and he'd only been back from the south for less than three weeks. Thursday, he called me while I was on my way to work and told me that he was leaving for the country for a couple of days to help his cousin with a construction job. My heart sunk. Before he came home, XBD knew how I felt about him leaving randomly. He knew that I was tired of waiting around for him to come back from somewhere. He would often leave, intending to be gone for only a day or two. Something would inevitably happen and he'd be gone for a week longer than planned, and he knew that I was at my wits end with this behavior. But he agreed to go help his cousin anyway.

Folks, I'm not sure why he decided to leave when he knew it was such a problem for me. Did he feel he owed it to his cousin? Did he feel like I should understand that his cousin had to finish this job before leaving on vacation so he HAD to help him? Or did he just agree to it, without thinking? None of those options sounded good to me. After all, when he had told me he didn't want me talking to certain men in my past, I agreed to stop communication with them because HE was more important to me than them. So when he said he was leaving, in my head, I screamed, I cried, and I whined. But when he told me he was packing an overnight bag, my mouth said, "I'm not going to wait for you again, just pack all of your things". And he did.

I have no doubt in my mind that this man and I love each other. In fact, I can go so far as to say we are in love. But love does NOT conquer all. Somtimes you have to figure out if you're willing to live with the things that other person does, or doesn't do. And I'm not willing to live with him running off on a regular basis, particularly when he knows how much it bothers me. This would probably be a non-issue if he'd spent maybe a few months at home but he never even made it to a month here. And my patience wore too thin.

I wasn't very emotional about this break-up. I knew what I wanted, what I had wanted for the past two years, and I wasn't getting it. It's pretty simple, really. I removed my emotions from the equation and I was satisfied with my decision. But when I think about the way he held me, loved me and shared his life with me, it really had an effect on me. My journey with XBD has been long and the road has changed dramatically along the way. I can't say it hasn't improved, it has improved quite a bit. But the key behavior that has bothered me in these last two years hasn't changed. And it's time to end things for a while.

I don't know if this is the end of XBD. I've said things were over so many times, and the relationship comes back. But I do know this... I'm aware of this behavior and if I think about reuniting with him, I have to expect this to happen over and over again. If I choose to reunite and he runs off again, then it's my own fault for being disappointed. After all, you can't be mad when someone does something that you expect them to do, can you?