Saturday, December 22, 2012

Just a Flicker, But No Flame

I hadn't seen nor heard from XBD for quite some time.  We were living our individual lives.  I'm not sure if he left a void in me, or I just missed a relationship itself.  I thought of him often, and he would come up in conversation occasionally.  Despite all the factors, I planned to go to our friend's big Labor Day Weekend party.

It was a big to-do every year, and lasted from Friday night on through Monday.  It was a wonderful opportunity for me to see the people I genuinely care for again.  I knew XBD would be there, and he texted me to ask if I would be coming.  I said I would be there.  He was bar tending the night I arrived and, after I checked into my hotel room, I went to see him.  The place was practically empty, and we had a chance to chat for a while.  We laughed and spoke easily, no tension between us.  That was how we always were, so it wasn't surprising; we always got on quite well initially.  We spent the night together and it was clear that we had missed each other.  We had one night between us before everything went downhill.  I won't go into the details because it involves common courtesy, Dairy Queen and a train derailment.  The events of that weekend reflected what we were.  Our relationship was a train wreck and I knew it.

Months went by and I didn't hear from him until Thanksgiving.  I had planned on spending Thanksgiving with Friend (from previous blogs), as I had for the past three years, including the years I had been with XBD.  So when XBD asked me if I would be coming out there, I told him no.  I begged him off by saying I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, which was true.  The day before Thanksgiving, he texted me and told me he was on his way to my house to spend the holiday with me.  I panicked.  It was about a two hour trip on the commuter bus, which was just in time for me to get off of work.  Knowing there was no way for him to get back until Thanksgiving morning on the train, I had to tell Friend that I would not be able to spend the holiday with him.  He was disappointed and clearly upset, but ever the gentleman, he acquiesced.

XBD stayed at my house for two weeks.  We did things together, we talked, and we laughed.  But we weren't intimate in a sexual way.  Sometimes, we would be affectionate toward each other.  We would be in the kitchen at the same time and he would draw me close and nuzzle me.  Or we'd be walking down the street and he would take my hand and pull me close.  He would steal kisses on public transportation.  He would come over as I was writing and demand to be hugged and caressed.  But those times were only occasional, with the rest of the time spent with an air of years-long friendship.

With the fog of adoration from my eyes, I saw XBD for what he truly was.  He was no longer a man who loved and was devoted to me.  He was now just a guy who would come and stay with me so he could satisfy his wanderlust.  I was just an oasis of relaxation, where he could put his feet up, while I supplied his needs for food, shelter, and water.  I took him to nice buffet for Thanksgiving, my treat, of course.  It bothered me to no end that he would sometimes show up with empty pockets.  With him not doting on me or meeting any of my other needs, I was less inclined to provide those things to him.  After two weeks passed, I felt relief flow over me when he said he would be leaving.  I thanked him, and told him I needed to get laid and I couldn't exactly do it with him there.  He was unaffected, and when he left, he said we'd see each other at Christmas.

With Christmas quickly approaching, I got a text from XBD, asking me what I was doing for Christmas.  Friend and I had planned on spending Christmas Eve and Morning together.  I told XBD that I had no plans for Christmas Day.  He invited me out for Christmas and I declined, telling him I had plans on Christmas Eve and Morning, and going out there involves travel time.  Although that is all true, I didn't really want to spend the holiday with him.  He offered to come to the city.  I declined his offer of company.  I didn't think it was appropriate for us to start spending holidays together; something we had never done when we were legitimately a couple.  Holidays just weren't important to him, and it would leave me heartbroken.  So his relentless pursuit of spending holidays with me now makes me wonder what he's up to.

I know that I can't go forever without seeing him again.  We were in the same circle of friends before we got together, and it is a strong circle, not easily broken.  At this point, I'm eagerly awaiting the new year, when there are no major holidays until at least March.