tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37090825024753659262023-07-11T10:38:33.188-04:00Relationships 101Friends, lovers, family, acquaintances.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-28501709621743003042012-12-22T13:27:00.001-05:002012-12-22T13:27:32.250-05:00Just a Flicker, But No FlameI hadn't seen nor heard from XBD for quite some time. We were living our individual lives. I'm not sure if he left a void in me, or I just missed a relationship itself. I thought of him often, and he would come up in conversation occasionally. Despite all the factors, I planned to go to our friend's big Labor Day Weekend party. <br />
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It was a big to-do every year, and lasted from Friday night on through Monday. It was a wonderful opportunity for me to see the people I genuinely care for again. I knew XBD would be there, and he texted me to ask if I would be coming. I said I would be there. He was bar tending the night I arrived and, after I checked into my hotel room, I went to see him. The place was practically empty, and we had a chance to chat for a while. We laughed and spoke easily, no tension between us. That was how we always were, so it wasn't surprising; we always got on quite well initially. We spent the night together and it was clear that we had missed each other. We had one night between us before everything went downhill. I won't go into the details because it involves common courtesy, Dairy Queen and a train derailment. The events of that weekend reflected what we were. Our relationship was a train wreck and I knew it.<br />
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Months went by and I didn't hear from him until Thanksgiving. I had planned on spending Thanksgiving with Friend (from previous blogs), as I had for the past three years, including the years I had been with XBD. So when XBD asked me if I would be coming out there, I told him no. I begged him off by saying I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, which was true. The day before Thanksgiving, he texted me and told me he was on his way to my house to spend the holiday with me. I panicked. It was about a two hour trip on the commuter bus, which was just in time for me to get off of work. Knowing there was no way for him to get back until Thanksgiving morning on the train, I had to tell Friend that I would not be able to spend the holiday with him. He was disappointed and clearly upset, but ever the gentleman, he acquiesced.<br />
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XBD stayed at my house for two weeks. We did things together, we talked, and we laughed. But we weren't intimate in a sexual way. Sometimes, we would be affectionate toward each other. We would be in the kitchen at the same time and he would draw me close and nuzzle me. Or we'd be walking down the street and he would take my hand and pull me close. He would steal kisses on public transportation. He would come over as I was writing and demand to be hugged and caressed. But those times were only occasional, with the rest of the time spent with an air of years-long friendship.<br />
<br />
With the fog of adoration from my eyes, I saw XBD for what he truly was. He was no longer a man who loved and was devoted to me. He was now just a guy who would come and stay with me so he could satisfy his wanderlust. I was just an oasis of relaxation, where he could put his feet up, while I supplied his needs for food, shelter, and water. I took him to nice buffet for Thanksgiving, my treat, of course. It bothered me to no end that he would sometimes show up with empty pockets. With him not doting on me or meeting any of my other needs, I was less inclined to provide those things to him. After two weeks passed, I felt relief flow over me when he said he would be leaving. I thanked him, and told him I needed to get laid and I couldn't exactly do it with him there. He was unaffected, and when he left, he said we'd see each other at Christmas.<br />
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With Christmas quickly approaching, I got a text from XBD, asking me what I was doing for Christmas. Friend and I had planned on spending Christmas Eve and Morning together. I told XBD that I had no plans for Christmas Day. He invited me out for Christmas and I declined, telling him I had plans on Christmas Eve and Morning, and going out there involves travel time. Although that is all true, I didn't really want to spend the holiday with him. He offered to come to the city. I declined his offer of company. I didn't think it was appropriate for us to start spending holidays together; something we had never done when we were legitimately a couple. Holidays just weren't important to him, and it would leave me heartbroken. So his relentless pursuit of spending holidays with me now makes me wonder what he's up to. <br />
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I know that I can't go forever without seeing him again. We were in the same circle of friends before we got together, and it is a strong circle, not easily broken. At this point, I'm eagerly awaiting the new year, when there are no major holidays until at least March.<br />
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<br />Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-87328182082613073762010-11-12T19:51:00.005-05:002010-11-12T20:54:40.885-05:00Social Networking vs Blast From the PastLike any other morning for me, I logged onto my favorite social networking site when I woke up today. Because I moved across the country during high school, and then again as an adult, these sites put me in touch with family and friends that I haven't seen in decades. Today, there was a little reminder of the birthday of a "friend" of mine. That friend happens to be my first love.<br /><br />We all know a first love is something special. And this guy was special. We were sophomores in high school and he was cute, athletic, sensitive, smart, and everything you'd want in a man, much less a teenage boy. I left him a birthday wish and went about my day.<br /><br />But then I thought about him all day long. I tried to remember the time I spent with him, the way we talked to each other, and the things that happened between us. But to be honest, it was all fuzzy at this point. I remembered events here and there, but I didn't remember the heart flutters and the nervousness that you get when you're a teenage girl and really like a boy. I wanted to remember those times so badly but it just wasn't going to happen. And then it hit me. This all happened 31 years ago. 31 years! 31! My failing memory was there to show me that life had moved on, and so had I.<br /><br />I've always said that if I hadn't moved away from that small town to Los Angeles, I would probably still be with him because we were just so in love at the time. In fact, when I moved, we wrote to each other every single day... for a whole year. This was all back in the days before cell phones, email, even cheap long distance; so when I say it was love, it really was love. When I got home after working 10 hours, I decided to look at his photos on said social networking site. That cute teenage boy was now a grown man who had married and had children. The pictures included his teenage kids participating in various sports, him and his wife at family gatherings, and him hunting, fishing and just generally being an outdoors man. His wife was pretty, albeit plain and unadorned. While looking at the pictures, I tried to see the life that I would have, had I been the one who married him. And you know what? I couldn't do it.<br /><br />My kids are a good 10 years older than his, and although they're both athletic, they didn't participate in organized sports. The pictures showed he's clearly a part of these organized sports and so they probably spend a lot of time with him. Since my kids are grown up, they're independent now.<br /><br />Nowadays, the men I date now are less outdoorsy, and more urbane and live less sheltered lives. They don't have weekend hunting or fishing trips; they have weekend jaunts to golf, or they head out to drink with their buddies,or they simply do things they haven't had time to do during the week. I realized that the men I see, as well as I, see our extended families on special occasions, as opposed to every day.<br /><br />As a woman, I'm anything but plain and unadorned. I have regularly scheduled beauty appointments that include hair color and styling, waxing, and pedicures. I wouldn't dare let anyone take a picture of me without proper make-up and hair. On the few occasions that I do leave the house plain-faced, I try to hide behind a ball cap and sunglasses (Chanel sunglasses, thank you very much). Whether I'm dating someone casually, or even married to them, I always try to look my best at all times.<br /><br />Concentrating on the differences in our lives after 31 years really put things in perspective for me. Our lives had evolved to be polar opposites of each other. My first love is now nothing more than that, my first love. And while I believe that I still may have ended up with him if my family hadn't moved across the country back then, the fact remains that I did leave that small town, and that life, behind.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-67490110566842051092010-10-10T11:04:00.003-04:002011-01-02T23:35:34.351-05:00Free at LastLast night, a light bulb went off in my head. But the reason for it requires some explanation. Remember the guy in my Friends and Lovers post? Well, he's been a pretty major part of my life lately. With things over between XBD and me, I had been spending a bit of time with said Friend. Friend and I got involved 10 years ago, when I was in a separation period with my husband. It lasted for two years, ending with me getting back together with the husband. Friend and I had stayed in touch, albeit strictly platonic. We never alluded to the years we spent together and we carried on as if before the relationship. When the husband and I separated permanently, we had a tryst and briefly mentioned seeing each other again.<br /><br />I met XBD a few days later and our tryst turned out to be just that. Recently, I had a couple medical emergencies and when I didn't know who to call, I called Friend. He came immediately and helped me immensely throughout the issue. This brought us together and, although he wanted to make the new found relationship committed, I wasn't so sure. The things that happened between our "break-up" weren't exactly rosy. He had lied by omission about some things and suffice it to say I wasn't the only one he was seeing.<br /><br />But this time, it was different. He was regretful and genuinely seemed to have changed. He apologized to me so many times, I had to tell him to stop. He wanted the commitment that I once wanted and this time, I didn't feel the same. So I told him I wasn't ready for that, as XBD and I had just recently broke up and I needed some time to take care of myself.<br /><br />And that's when the light bulb went off. I'm single. Completely and totally single. I have been dating, engaged, married with kids, or otherwise involved for the past 28 years, with the exception of a year after my first husband died. Things have changed! My kids are grown up and lead their own lives. I'm not attached to any man and the world is my oyster.<br /><br />Of course, I'm an older single woman so things are much different now. The dating pool is much smaller, I'm less patient, and the world is just so much different than when I was dating in high school. But I'm excited anyway. I don't know if I'll be doing anything different with my new found single hood. **shrug** I've always been socially active with friends doing a myriad of different things, so it's not like I need to step up my social activities. Heck no, I'm happy with my life as is. I don't need to try to be 25 anymore, who would want that?<br /><br />I'd like to think single hood is going to be a fun adventure. I'm wiser, more honest, and not afraid to dive in head-first. I hope you'll stick around to see how it goes for me!Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-87001326924793540792010-07-25T11:17:00.004-04:002010-07-25T11:51:37.103-04:00Catch-22As a relatively new single person, I started thinking about what I wanted out of my love life. The first question was "do I even want a love life?" Hmm, I'm not sure. I have good friends and even some very special friends whose company I particularly enjoy. Am I happy with that set up, or do I want that one special someone? Truth is, I have no idea.<br /><br />At my age, new relationships are different. I remember when I was younger, during the brief times that I actually did date, there was that excitement about meeting someone that you just clicked with. Nowdays, not so much. Oh sure, you still get excited about clicking with someone, but it doesn't stop there.<br /><br />Now when I meet someone who seems great, I wonder what the hell is wrong with them. What is HE going to do that will bug the shit out of me after a while? If he's so great, why hasn't he been snatched up yet? Why have all his relationships up until now fell apart? Why does he seem so perfect? Surely, something HAS to be wrong with him.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect. In fact, I've been known to tell men to run the other way from me. I have abandonment issues, I'm suspicious of drug use, and I readily look for something "just not right" in other people (see last paragraph) so I can prove that I'm right about them being wrong. Trust me, I get it. But I'm upfront about my problems and I don't keep anything a secret. Of all the men I've told to run the other way, only one actually has.<br /><br />And therein lies the problem. In one of my older blogs, I commented that at my age, you live with what remains of your love life between the ages of 18-35. And when I say remains, I mean it. Gone are hopes of a long happy life together. Gone is the desire to please someone else, just to watch it fall apart. I've had very few big relationships in my life; the first ending in his death, the second ending in his drug addiction, the third just ending unresolved. Those are things that individually can fuck up a person's psyche. To have all three happen has been almost catastrophic for me. To put the nail in my love coffin, none of these things had anything to do with anything that I'd done. Even still, any new relationships are sure to be affected by them.<br /><br />So what do I do with this Catch-22? Try to be optimistic that there is someone out there with whom I'll share my life? Or just accept the fact that nobody deserves my baggage? Even if I'm a good person inside, I'm not a good relationship prospect and I know that. And what can you do with knowledge like that?Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-78307530811177330842010-07-03T16:46:00.002-04:002010-07-03T17:04:41.238-04:00Prize InsideA few months ago, I received a message on one of those social networking sites. It was from the brother of a guy with whom I'd gone to high school 30 years ago. That's right, 30 years ago. I had rigged my profile shortly before that, so that when you did a search on my maiden name, I would come up. Apparently, his brother did that search, saw me, and immediately called said guy, who is now an executive chef, and told him not only did he find me on this social networking site, but we also lived in the same city.<br /><br />I grew up in the midwest, living there until I was 14. It was during this time that I knew the Chef. We met in high school during sophomore year. Once that school year ended, my family then moved to Los Angeles, where I truly grew up, graduated school, got married, had kids. So how unusual was it that he and I now lived in Pittsburgh? The Chef's brother then messaged me again, gave me Chef's phone number and told me to call any time.<br /><br />I had always rued the fact that I didn't know anyone from my days growing up in the midwest anymore. Even some of my cousins and other family members are complete strangers to me. I called the Chef and we chatted and made plans to get together. I remember him from back then, and he was one of the cute boys in high school, but we didn't date or anything like that. After all, I was only 14 back then! He joined the networking site and I then got to see pictures of him too. He doesn't look the same to me, but folks, it's been 30 years. Who would?<br /><br />We made plans to get together today and although we've both said we can't wait to catch up, I'm worried that this looks alot like a date. A blind date. Oh sure, we knew each other 30 years ago, but we don't really know each other anymore. Not to mention, we're both single now. We talked about dinner and drinks. He mentioned a party being thrown by a friend of his. These are all date-type activities, people.<br /><br />I don't know how things are going to go. I'm hoping that I made a new friend, who just happens to be an executive chef. And that, dear readers, is what they call a bonus prize.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-73287634299143026582010-06-27T08:53:00.004-04:002010-06-27T09:27:07.354-04:00Parting is Such Sweet SorrowWell folks, XBD made it home that weekend back in late May. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. I had told him that I wasn't waiting for him anymore and now here he was, back at home. We nervously and pensively moved through the days and before you know it, after a week or so, we were back into the routine of our relationship.<br /><br />A couple weeks after he got home, XBD's son came and spent a week with us. He was being hunted by a local university for a basketball scholarship. XBD was incredibly proud of him. It was a nice time, with XBD taking him around the city and us sharing evening meals and time together. He left and went back to Fayette County with us on his heels.<br /><br />The weekend that XBD's son left was the same weekend we had planned a birthday party for XBD. Remember last year's party? Well I do, and I was feeling so much anxiety about this year. I had no need to feel this way. We made our way out to the country and started setting up his party at the local American Legion. It was a much smaller turnout than we had expected, and there was a torrential downpour for about an hour. But we enjoyed food, drink, family and friends. The party was perfect, his children came and it was so comforting having them there. Normally when he gets around his "crew", XBD is the center of attention (more so than usual). And while this happened, he made sure to come over and constantly shower me with attention. So many of our friends came up to me and told me how nice it was seeing us so much in love again. I agreed. Even though I was still considering this a period where I was trying to decide if I wanted to stay in this relationship, I couldn't deny that he loved me and he had no problem letting everyone know it.<br /><br />And that is why this week came as such a surprise. XBD's party had been a mere five days before and he'd only been back from the south for less than three weeks. Thursday, he called me while I was on my way to work and told me that he was leaving for the country for a couple of days to help his cousin with a construction job. My heart sunk. Before he came home, XBD knew how I felt about him leaving randomly. He knew that I was tired of waiting around for him to come back from somewhere. He would often leave, intending to be gone for only a day or two. Something would inevitably happen and he'd be gone for a week longer than planned, and he knew that I was at my wits end with this behavior. But he agreed to go help his cousin anyway.<br /><br />Folks, I'm not sure why he decided to leave when he knew it was such a problem for me. Did he feel he owed it to his cousin? Did he feel like I should understand that his cousin had to finish this job before leaving on vacation so he HAD to help him? Or did he just agree to it, without thinking? None of those options sounded good to me. After all, when he had told me he didn't want me talking to certain men in my past, I agreed to stop communication with them because HE was more important to me than them. So when he said he was leaving, in my head, I screamed, I cried, and I whined. But when he told me he was packing an overnight bag, my mouth said, "I'm not going to wait for you again, just pack all of your things". And he did.<br /><br />I have no doubt in my mind that this man and I love each other. In fact, I can go so far as to say we are in love. But love does NOT conquer all. Somtimes you have to figure out if you're willing to live with the things that other person does, or doesn't do. And I'm not willing to live with him running off on a regular basis, particularly when he knows how much it bothers me. This would probably be a non-issue if he'd spent maybe a few months at home but he never even made it to a month here. And my patience wore too thin.<br /><br />I wasn't very emotional about this break-up. I knew what I wanted, what I had wanted for the past two years, and I wasn't getting it. It's pretty simple, really. I removed my emotions from the equation and I was satisfied with my decision. But when I think about the way he held me, loved me and shared his life with me, it really had an effect on me. My journey with XBD has been long and the road has changed dramatically along the way. I can't say it hasn't improved, it has improved quite a bit. But the key behavior that has bothered me in these last two years hasn't changed. And it's time to end things for a while.<br /><br />I don't know if this is the end of XBD. I've said things were over so many times, and the relationship comes back. But I do know this... I'm aware of this behavior and if I think about reuniting with him, I have to expect this to happen over and over again. If I choose to reunite and he runs off again, then it's my own fault for being disappointed. After all, you can't be mad when someone does something that you expect them to do, can you?Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-45098404479523130182010-05-29T15:10:00.004-04:002010-05-29T15:54:25.996-04:00Volver, Volver, Volver?If you're not Hispanic, particularly Mexican, you may not know what the word "volver" means. Well, it means "to return". Relevant today, because XBD returns from the South.<br /><br />It's been a whole 2-1/2 months since he left. I haven't seen him for well over a month. So many things have happened since I left him at that Florida airport. Oh sure, I came back home and busied myself with friends and events. But then I started getting lonely. And when the date came for XBD to come home, it was clear he wasn't going to make it. There was never really anything in stone at first, but in early May, he had shot for mid-month and that came and went. I finally asked XBD what was the deal. I told him I understood completely if he wasn't coming back. My parents mean the world to me so I understood him staying to take care of his aging mom. He assured me he was coming back.<br /><br />He finally made plans to be back last Friday. That never happened and my patience was wearing thin. You see, I would have been able to accept him telling me he wasn't coming back, but this constant postponing was making me wonder if he just buying time. Either way, I was done waiting. I realized a good bit of our relationship was me waiting for him to come back from someplace. I was tired of waiting. Not only that, I was tired of doing things alone. I wanted to get out and socialize with a man. It didn't have to be anything romantic. I'm happy to say the men I know treat me very much like a woman, even if we are just friends. They pay tabs, they open doors, and pull out chairs. And that's exactly what I needed.<br /><br />A couple of days after that same Friday, I called up an old friend, who had been early competition for XBD. There's nothing between us anymore, but we enjoy each others' company. We met that Sunday for drinks at a local bar/restaurant. We had a few, and then ate. At one point, XBD called and I told him I went there alone. Technically, I did, I just met the friend there. Later on in the evening, after I had drank way too many Hoegaardens, XBD called again and I spilled the beans about who I was there with. XBD was livid. I tried to tell him that I didn't originally tell him who I was meeting because of exactly this situation. He'd be riled up over nothing. As it turns out, my guy friend gave me a ride home, and went straight home himself. XBD didn't talk to me for a couple days. When he did, I told him that I didn't know if I wanted this relationship anymore. I told him I needed certain things in my life, not hundreds of miles away. I told him I loved him and I understood, but I wasn't waiting for him anymore. He assured me he would be home that Friday and I knew it wasn't the truth.<br /><br />The following Tuesday, I met a girlfriend out to do some shoe shopping. We shopped at one store and decided that having a couple martinis sounded like a better idea. We had a few martinis and contemplated how we'd get home. She called a friend to see if they'd give us a ride and they couldn't. We had settled on calling a cab until I told her to let me make one more try. I'm not sure why I did this, but I called the gentleman from my "Old Lovers and Friends" blog. He answered immediately. I asked him what he was up to, and he said he was out having a drink and asked if I'd like to join him. I said no, but asked if he'd be willing to join my friend and I and have a drink, and give us rides home. He jumped at it. He met us where we were and when he walked in, I went to greet him. He immediately but his arms around me and kissed me. Not just a light peck, but a full-blown kiss, in front of my friends.<br /><br />I didn't fight him at all. I've always been attracted to him. We had spent some time together about 10 years ago, when my ex and I were separated. Two years, to be exact. There was always a tension between us and I knew right then what was going to happen. When it came time for us to leave, he gave my friend cab money, and took me home. Oh people, I have missed this man. But the fact remains that even though we spent two years together in the past, and I still love him, I couldn't allow myself to forget how he had broke my heart in the end. I knew that even if we had encounters every couple years, I'd never let him have my heart again.<br /><br />A day passed and he called me to talk. He told me that he has never been able to forget me, and he was so sorry he had hurt me in the past, and he knew that he had blown it. He professed his love to me, and I started to cry. I still love him, there's no doubt. But there are decisions that he made that are not so easily changed. A couple days later, XBD called and said he would definitely be home Saturday night, instead of Friday. I laughed because I figured this was just another ploy to keep me waiting. I told him that we had alot of things to talk about, if he actually did come home.<br /><br />Last night, the old love called me and apologized for putting me on the spot. He told me he knew he had broken my heart, and he had no right to try to get me back now. I thanked him for understanding. He interrupted me and said if things don't work out between XBD and I, to call him and he will be waiting for me. I was stunned into silence. This man who had broken my heart with absolutely no warning, who had given up on us every "really" being together (his words), who had spent an entire weekend with me before asking someone else to marry him, was still getting to me. But I stayed strong and said nothing. How could I say anything? I didn't know if I'd ever be able to let myself go with him, like I had before, and who needs another paranoid relationship?<br /><br />As soon as I hung up the phone, some friends showed up and we went to the movies. While sitting in the movie theater, my phone vibrated and I saw it was coming from XBD's mom's house. I knew it, I thought, he never actually left and he won't be home tomorrow. I finished watching the movie and checked the voice mail on my way home. It was XBD's mom, telling me he had left and thanking me for letting her have her son for a while. On one hand, I felt horrid for taking her son away from her. On the other hand, I had told him several times that if he stayed there, I would understand. But chances are, he knew that meant I wouldn't be waiting for him.<br /><br />I'd like to think that XBD made the decision to come back because he loved and missed me. But I know he has personal business to take care of up here, not to mention his kids are here. He called me today from Tennessee and said he was on his way and he'd be here tonight. Right now, I'm torn between relaxing and doing things around here until he shows up, or going out and getting a few drinks in me so I can deal with seeing him again and what kind of feelings will arise in me. I still have an entire afternoon before he gets in about midnight. I'll figure it out. Cross your fingers for me, okay?Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-54267747326089600992010-04-27T23:56:00.003-04:002010-04-28T00:32:10.061-04:00As Time Goes By...I've been back from Florida for two weeks now and I'm back to my old routine. I talk to XBD about three times a day. In our talks, we would discuss our day to day activities. When he first got down there, XBD got a cell phone with a Florida number because his mom had to pay for long distance and he didn't want her to have to pay for it if she needed something while he was out. Then as the days went by, he would go to work with a cousin, doing construction. I slowly realized, he wasn't just helping his mom anymore, he was living there. Before I left, he had promised to be back in four to five more weeks. But after I left I realized that if he was going to work and leaving his mom alone, well he couldn't be much help to her. This got me thinking.<br /><br />If XBD was indeed living down there now, how long was this going to be? He had spent much of his life going back and forth between PA and Florida, and I was hoping this wasn't an extension of that time. I wondered if he had changed his mind about when, or if, he would return. This started scaring me. What if he decided to stay there and didn't know how to tell me? I obsessed about this for a week and it finally blew up.<br /><br />I tried to see both sides. Maybe he was really going to be back soon and I was being paranoid. This spun me into my own reasons for being paranoid. The fact that he was with another woman at his birthday party was the main reason. That had been the turning point in our emotional relationship. This had turned me suspicious about everything he did, and everyone he spoke to. I'm not proud of that person I'd become and she's still around. Instead of just asking XBD about his plans, I got offended by something he said and told him things were over. I told him that I needed space. I then started packing up his things and promptly told him I was sending them down. He was totally taken aback. He asked me why I was throwing away our relationship (he actually said relationship!) because he said something that he probably shouldn't have. I realized how stupid I had been acting and I said no, I didn't want to end things.<br /><br />I then told XBD about my concerns about him coming back and he told me that he would be back no later than May 15. He told me that he wants us to work things out, and he was really sorry that he offended me, that wasn't his intent. I told him I was sorry I overreacted and XBD accepted my apology. We were back to talking three times a day (we only missed two days).<br /><br />A few days later, I remembered I had bought a card for XBD and I got it out and proceeded to write a letter to put inside. I told him that I owed him an explanation about my behavior. I told him that I think sometimes I might start a fight because I feel like maybe he's not feeling the same about me anymore, so I try to break it off with me before he can hurt me. I told him about how much I hate being paranoid about something that happened almost a year ago. But then I wrote to XBD that sometimes, in the midst of my paranoia, I have moments of clarity and I realize how I'm so happy with him. I told him that I guess I let go of all the bullshit and feel really secure with him. I told him when I allow myself to just let go of the past, it's just heaven. I told him that I was going to work to forget those things because they're only giving me grief, and holding us back.<br /><br />I sent that card and letter yesterday. I don't know what XBD will think or say about it. But I can say that I was honest, sincere, and grateful to him for putting up with my shenanigans. Truth be told, I think he will be proud of me for admitting to my own faults. I think he will be happy that I expressed that I was happy sharing my life with him.<br /><br />I realized that I was forgetting about some of those things yesterday, when I scheduled a day off work in preparation for us to attend a huge party that happens every Labor Day. This was the party that we had gotten together at, two years ago. I smiled to myself when I realized that Labor Day is four months away, and I was making plans for us that far in advance. Guess that means we'll still be together, doesn't it?Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-45618601706178265752010-04-14T22:22:00.004-04:002010-04-14T22:55:51.212-04:00You Like Me! You Really Like Me!When XBD went south to care for his ailing mother, living alone again took some getting used to. Don't get me wrong, I'm very self-sufficient. But not having him to share those little day-to-day things had me feeling lonely. I busied myself with friends and functions, but dammit, I missed XBD. Sleeping alone left me feeling empty, without him reaching out to me and pulling me close. He knows how much I hate the south (sorry folks) so he didn't ask me to visit. But when I asked him how he'd feel if I went down there, he jumped at it. The cheapest flight was three weeks away, but at that point, he had only been gone a little more than a week. I gave all the details to XBD and he was just ecstatic. He made more than one joke about me "meeting the Fockers".<br /><br />Two weeks before my trip, he called me and told me he was at an uncle's house, borrowing a pair of shoes. I asked him why, and he said, "well, I need some nice shoes to go with the outfit I picked out for when I pick you up at the airport". Stunned, I started to tear up. This man, this man's man who had so many women in the past, was picking out an outfit to wear when he saw ME! People, this is female behavior, not male behavior. Especially since we've been together for over a year. I mentioned it to a male co-worker and he confirmed that this is quite a rare thing for men to do, especially XBD and then he said, and I quote, "he really loves you". I really appreciate these little things he does nowadays, these little things that just show me how much he loves me without saying a word.<br /><br />I made the trip down and he met me in the airport. It was so nice to see him again and we stood there hugging and kissing for a good while. We detangled and headed to his mom's house. She was a wonderful lady. She tells it like it is (like me), and really likes going the extra mile for people. She was also visibly in pain and quite ill. We chit-chatted and went to the bedroom to get my things in order. XBD closed the door behind us and we were intimate. It was almost awkward at first but as we familiarized ourselves, it was just us again.<br /><br />The days I spent there were a blur of wonderful family moments. I met all of his immediate family members, and a few uncles and cousins too. I got along with everyone and XBD has since told me how much they all love me. Being around his family has given me another reason to believe that he loves me. They all made me feel very much at home around them. But I also felt like they were on good behavior on my behalf. Houses had been cleaned in my honor, dinners had been created and served, and children were on their best behavior. I pulled a sister-in-law aside and told her how much I appreciated everything, but they really didn't need to go out of their way for me. She laughed and said, "oh yes we did, <xbd>made it clear that you were coming, he wanted us to meet you, and we better make sure we act right and not embarrass him!". I laughed too, but it made me realize that he wasn't worried about his family liking me at all, he was worried about me liking his family. But of course, I did.<br /><br />When it came time for me to leave, I went to XBD's mom and thanked her for welcoming me into her home and she got teary-eyed and said, "I don't want you to leave! Can't you get a job around here and live here?" It was touching, because I knew that she didn't want me to leave because she didn't want XBD to leave, and if I stayed he would stay. Even him mom could tell that he loved me and wanted to be with me. She also expressed how sad he would be after I left and then added, "I can go get the minister now!". XBD and I looked at each other incredulously.<br /><br />XBD and an uncle took me to the airport and we stopped in an airport bar for a couple drinks. We had a really nice chat, just talking about when we were children and how life has changed since then. When XBD got up, his uncle told me that he could really tell he loves me because he had never heard XBD tell any girl that he loved her before, and he had heard him tell me that a half-dozen times. He later told XBD that he was going to make sure he has a clean suit handy for the wedding.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-56348835994725528472010-04-04T12:20:00.002-04:002010-04-04T12:59:02.002-04:00Room With a ViewWow, I just read my last blog and I have to say folks, it's come a long way since then. I guess you're all wondering, did XBD and I stay together? Did we part ways? Did we remain friends? Are we no longer talking? What is it?<br /><br />Well, here's the truth. XBD and I are still together. And our relationship is nothing like it was before. In December, I moved out of the place I had with my roomie. She was a great roommate, doing things for me of which I'm so very appreciative. But it was time for me to move on. My car officially died, and living in the suburbs was no longer working for me. Not to mention, XBD was never really comfortable there. He wasn't a factor, really. I wanted back to the city and when a friend of mine was moving out of her one bedroom apartment, I pounced.<br /><br />About a month prior to this move, I had cheated and I think that was the turning point. I'm very honest, and told XBD about it and, of course, he wasn't happy. But I think it got him thinking and he realized that I wasn't going to just sit around and wait for him anymore. I'm an attractive, fun-loving woman, and I wanted to have some fun. XBD had always been my first choice, but I'm smart enough to know that if he's not feeling the same way about me, I had to move on. Please don't get it wrong, I was with someone else because I thought our relationship was ending, not because I was trying to hurt him.<br /><br />XBD and his cousin helped me move. I've always hated moving and now I know why; it's because I didn't have those two guys helping me. The move was flawless. We came into the city on the first Friday in December. I showed XBD the apartment for the first time that day. It's a tiny little place and I'm always telling people it's the size of a tuna can. But it's something I can afford alone, and that's important. XBD loved it. We went out that evening, and the next day, we got started moving. I was afraid that our first stop, my ex-husband's, was going to be stressful. He had been a little ornery about the time I came but we worked everything out. I warned him ahead of time that my boyfriend would be helping. He was okay with it, as he now has a girlfriend (thank you God!). We went into the house and he wasn't there. We quickly moved out all the planned items (couch, loveseat, end table, bed, bar, and a cabinet) and he never showed up. We moved the items into the apartment and headed back to the old place to get our stuff. We were done by 8:00pm.<br /><br />Once we got everything in, XBD made his way around the apartment to see where we would put everything. He walked in the bedroom and looked out the window and said, "Baby, we got us a room with a view!" And it was true. You can see the buildings of downtown from our bedroom. All those times we drove into the city, we'd come around the bend on 376 and he'd say, "there it is, the most beautiful sight in the world". He really loves Pittsburgh and he was just overwhelmed by the view of his new bedroom.<br /><br />Since that move, we've been together ever since. We live in the city now, which XBD absolutely loves. Of course, I love it too. I'm a big city girl, and I spent enough time in Westmoreland County. Every day that he's not working, XBD gets up and offers to make me breakfast. He also makes a nice lunch for me and puts love notes in my lunch. Yes, every single day. Every night, he meets me after work and walks me home. We get home and just talk and spend the evening together. Saturday mornings, or whenever the mood hits us, we put music on and dance in the living room. Sometimes it's slow dancing, sometimes it out-right booty-shaking, hip-swinging, club music. We have so much fun together. Even when one of us is gone for just a few hours, the other will text saying "miss you". And we really mean it.<br /><br />There's something special that happens between XBD and I on quite a regular basis. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, not that! Although that happens too. BUT, there will be times when he'll be sitting on the couch and I'll be walking past and he'll reach out and take my hand. I then come down and sit on the couch across his legs, and we hold each other. We sit like this for anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, just holding each other quietly. I feel like these are the times where we really show each other how we feel. We don't say a word, we just hold each other.<br /><br />Right now, XBD is back down in Florida. His mom has been really sick and he went to see her. I'll be going down to see them in five short days. We've spent three weeks apart, more than we've spent apart since that first weekend move. I really hate Florida, but I love him and he wants his family to meet me. When I come home four days later, he'll be coming with me.<br /><br />Last night, I was doing things around the house. Since the weather was warmer, I had all the windows and blinds open to let the breeze air out the winter doldrums. While in the bedroom getting a suitcase, I happened to glance up and the view stopped me in my tracks. It was later afternoon and the sun was just starting to get lower in the sky. It illuminated the downtown buildings and it was just breathtaking. I was sad that XBD wasn't there to see it, so I took a picture.<br /><br />Yes indeed Baby, we got us a room with a view.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-44338452975128561802009-10-18T13:23:00.003-04:002009-10-18T14:21:20.903-04:00Oh What a Tangled Web We WeaveWow, so much has happened since my last blog. I had called XBD the Sunday morning after he had been with the other girl and told him I was bowing out gracefully. He accepted it without question, as is typical for him. I then took the pregnancy test about 15 minutes after the call. My theory was that it would be entirely too early in the game to read a positive, and if he ever questioned me about it, I would be able to show him the test and say, "See... not pregnant!" Well, that's not what was in the cards for me. The test came up positive. I sat there in shock. Because I literally would have only been 9 days pregnant.<br /><br />I immediately go upstairs, stand in front of roomie and say, "I'm pregnant" and burst into tears. We sit there and hug and cry and she tried her best to console me. I didn't know what to do. XBD had already told me that if I were pregnant, he wanted me to keep it. But with my recent health problems, us breaking up, and his track-record, it just didn't seem too smart to keep it. I didn't even want to tell him, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I called him and left him a voice mail. I know, it was a real punk-ass, chicken-shit move on my part. But I knew I'd only be able to say it once and that was it. He called me later and I was still crying and upset. We agreed that talking about it in person was probably a better idea. We made plans to get together the following weekend.<br /><br />We got together and hemmed and hawed about what we would do. Of course, he wanted me to keep it, and I'm not pro-abortion in any way. But I couldn't see myself raising a child alone at this time of my life. I told him as much. He promised he would be there, but I didn't believe him. He has other children who grew up without him around. I didn't want my child to go through that. My kids lost their father to cancer and that was hard enough. I didn't want this one to lose his father because he just didn't feel like being there. But I knew he's really been making an effort with his kids now, and now his grandchildren, so it was possible he was being sincere. We decided to try again, for the sake of the baby.<br /><br />And his attitude changed. He didn't leave my side. He stayed with me and took care of me. He watched what I was eating, made sure I ate enough, just did everything he could to make sure I was okay. Then, three weeks ago, I lost the baby. I knew it was going to happen because I'd been cramping and having back pains all day. I lost it in the ER, and they immediately gave me a D&C. It was horrible, I was awake, and it was one of the worst moments of my life.<br /><br />For those 10 weeks that I was pregnant, I saw a different XBD. He was caring, loving, just so devoted. When I lost the baby, I assumed things would be over. We both openly admitted to only being together for the baby and with the baby gone, I assumed things would be over. He didn't call me for several days after. Then a few more days after that. We spent some time together last week, when he came up to my place for a few days. Since then, he's been calling regularly, telling me he loves me, etc. We're still talking now, but it's different.<br /><br />Folks, I don't know how I feel about him. I love him. But I'm so numb right now. Alot of people say this is normal behavior after a miscarriage. But knowing that we both said we were only getting back together for the baby, I don't even know what I want to do. I enjoy being with him. He makes me laugh, he's entertaining and he's still completely devoted. But with the knowledge I've gained about him throughout this past year, I'm not sure what I want.<br /><br />Whenever I think I'm untangling myself, another knot forms.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-41185395285267430212009-07-25T22:38:00.002-04:002009-07-25T23:20:13.466-04:00Woman in TroubleWell folks, a wrench has been thrown in the "friends" relationship with XBD. After what I thought was a heart-felt talk with him, I spent a couple more days with him.<br /><br />One thing I didn't mention in my last blog was that immediately after he left, I started feeling really ill. Puking, headaches, nausea. Day after day after day. I panicked and checked my calendar and realized I had spent those three days with XBD in direct correlation to my ovulation date. Just great. But I refused to panic. This was really early in the game, and I tried to ignore that these were the exact same signs I had immediately after conception in prior pregnancies.<br /><br />Remember the DUI snafu back in January? Well, he had his court date and it was determined that he could do 30 days of house arrest, or 48 hours in jail. He chose the jail time. He went in on that Monday after we had spent all that time together and was released on Wednesday. We had agreed that I would pick him up. I did, and he asked to stay at my house for the night. I was open to it; we had spent those three great days together and I figured what's a couple more? On the way to my house, SHE called him. At that point, I told him, "look, are you going to continue to see her?" He said no, that he hadn't seen her since before he had left to go south, and didn't plan on seeing her anymore. I made it clear that if he was going to see her, I'd rather just drop him off at his own house and call it a day. I explained that I'm not a competitive person, and if this was going to be a major decision for him (me or her), that I would step-aside and bow out gracefully. Being friends, you can do that. He insisted he wouldn't be seeing her, it wasn't a major decision, and we headed to my place. Two more days of steamy sex followed.<br /><br />Then came Friday. I decided not to drive down and meet him. We needed space after spending so much time together and I wanted to keep things in perspective. Saturday I found out he indeed spent Friday evening with her. I wasn't mad, surprisingly. I was disappointed that he lied to me, but I wasn't mad. We had agreed that we were nothing but FWB. I can't even say I was really hurt, I half-expected it. I told him I wouldn't be meeting him Saturday either. Because I'm so non-competitive, I don't want to hurt anyone. Including her. She didn't "steal" XBD away from me. I believe people make their own decisions and if he decided he wanted to be with her instead of me, sobeit. I'm not a stalker, or a beggar and pleader. We talked on the phone about it for about 20 minutes, the conversation ending in no real resolution, although it was established that he was going to continue to see her, so the ball was in my court. I didn't say it, but I knew I would be bowing out. <br /><br />When the conversation was over, I promptly walked in the house and threw up. So now, we have a situation here. I've been puking, headachy and nauseous for the past week. Sure signs for me that I'm pregnant. This is not good people. Notice how I mentioned up there that I had been pregnant several years ago? This should also point out that I'm entirely too old to be pregnant at this time of my life. Over the past week, I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to him in passing. I was really attempting to prime him for it, without actually saying it, because I don't have any proof yet. I know there is a period of time that has to pass before a test will even read a positive result. But my body has always known right away in the past (I've had two children and lost two) so I know how it works.<br /><br />When I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to XBD, he told me, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted me to have it, if I was indeed pregnant. This was all before he said he was going to continue to see her, and I had decided to bow out gracefully. He then called me about 1/2 hour after we hung up and said, "if you are pregnant, I still want you to have it". I told him it would have to be something we'd talk about it. I had already scheduled an appointment to have a pregnancy test "officially" taken by my PCP. The nurse had asked me when I thought conception had occurred, and they gave me a day that should give enough time for an accurate reading to occur. That appointment is in three days. Because it is a blood test, I may not have the results for another two days after that. <br /><br />People, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't believe in abortion. I believe it is murder. However, I do believe that abortions should be safe and legal. I know not everyone believes as I do, and that's their business, not mine. I'm not a crazy right-to-lifer who condemns people who don't share the same viewpoint with me. It's merely my belief. But there's the other side of me who can't imagine raising a child alone, and how this would keep me tied to this man for the rest of my life. But then I don't believe abortions should be done just because "having a baby would be really inconvenient right now" (something that someone actually said to me). And trust me, this would REALLY be inconvenient for me. I just got over a MAJOR illness, XBD and I broke up, and he's seeing someone else to boot.<br /><br />My life just made a left turn that I didn't see coming. What to do, what to do....Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-14714836857933546732009-07-21T18:52:00.004-04:002009-07-25T06:23:01.173-04:00On the Road AgainRemember when I said it was the end of the road for XBD and me? Well, I might have gotten on a road that runs parallel to the one we had been on. I know, you're thinking I've lost it. I'm cuckoo. Just. plain. stupid. Allow me to elaborate.<br /><br />I had a pretty major health problem almost the entire time XBD and I were together. The doctors finally found out what was wrong with me, and I was ecstatic. The cure was fairly simple, but it was going to leave me sick for a couple weeks. XBD's best friend was always aware of my health issues and constantly called to check on me. It was natural for me to call him and tell him they found the root of the problem, it was being treated, and I would be sick for a while. He in turn called XBD and told him about it. This prompted him to call me and tell me he was hurt that he had to hear it from someone else, and asked me why I didn't call him. I told him I didn't really think about it, he had dumped me for someone else, so I assumed he wasn't interested. He was really hurt that he had been with me the entire time I was being tested, poked and prodded and I hadn't shared the good news with him. I reiterated that I didn't think he really cared. He then told me he was leaving town in a few days, would be gone for a little over a week, and when he returned, he would come stay with me while I was recovering if I needed someone. I told him I'd probably be feeling better by the time he returned, but I appreciated the offer.<br /><br />So XBD took his cousin and his son and headed south to do some work and visit family. He promised to call me when he arrived at his family's house and he did. He told me even the minute details of the drive down there, all while talking a mile a minute. This was funny to me because this was something he would do when he hadn't talked to me for a while, really missed me, and wanted to fill me in on the details of his life. Every few days throughout his trip, he'd call and share the details of their time there. The job ran longer than they intended and they stayed another week, making his trip a full two weeks.<br /><br />During those two weeks, XBD and I agreed to remain friends, and I spoke to him only as a friend when he called. Occassionally, we'd tell each other we still loved each other, but we knew we wouldn't be together again. It was bittersweet, but necessary. During one call, I asked him, "why are you calling so much, do you miss me or something?" He responded, "I wouldn't be calling you if I didn't miss you". We agreed to get together when he returned, as friends. Again, I didn't ask him about the other girl, although I felt strange agreeing to meet him if he had someone else. I wanted to see him, but I didn't at the same time. I was confused and scared and nervous. I chose to believe that he was calling to check on me, as I was very sick almost the entire time he was gone and was on some heavy-duty medication.<br /><br />We talked about getting together the Sunday after he got back (he was getting back on a Thursday). As the days got closer to him arriving home, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I asked him what was up between us. He replied, "we're going to be friends, right?" I agreed we would, but I had something else on my mind as well. We were always very physically attracted to each other and I hadn't had sex since the last time I was with him. I finally just break down and ask if we'll be sleeping together. He says yes, he'd planned on it. I was relieved and knew it wouldn't be all bad. With all the things that happened in our past, and how hurt I was, I tried to figure out how this was going to work. I decided the best thing to do was to just be "in the moment" while I was with him. I wouldn't talk about what happened in the past, nor would I think about the future. I knew it would be hard, but I knew it would be the only way I could be friends with XBD.<br /><br />By the time he got back, it had been a month since I last saw him and I missed him horribly. He called me when he got home and we agreed to meet on Sunday as planned. But he texted me the next day to say that he was free that night (Friday). Since he would be free, I asked him how he would feel about not just getting together that night, but also attending my work picnic the next day, just as friends. He agrees to go and I know that minimally, we'll have a good time. At this point, I felt it necessary to ask about the other girl. He said he hadn't talked to her since before his trip, and didn't intend to. I didn't agree to see him ONLY to "hook up", I did it because it wouldn't be something that would hurt anyone else's feelings. If he was still with her, I wouldn't have seen him.<br /><br />I told him I could use a good drunk, since I hadn't drank since I'd been sick. He agreed to come up and I met him after work Friday night. It was awkward at first. We stood at arms length and greeted each other very much friend-like. But when we had our first moments alone, he pulled me close and hugged me. Several times. It felt warm and familiar and it scared the bejesus out of me. I didn't know what to do so I just hugged back. We had a few drinks and talked. He had gotten some sun, the color was back in his face and he was the same fun guy I remembered. But I'm not going to lie, it was awkward. Neither of us knew how to act. Occassionally, we would accidently touch each other and quickly jerk away. We decided to go someplace closer to home (my home) and we took off. We had a few more drinks and came back to my place. We were intimate, it was incredible, and I realized how much I missed that closeness with him. It was scary that he still knew exactly what I liked, and he had no problems jumping back in the saddle.<br /><br />We woke up the next day, had some more intimate time and headed to the local amusement park for my work picnic. It was a beautiful day and we really had a great time. It was a little different not holding hands, not touching all the time, etc. But he would occassionally put his arm around my shoulders as we were walking and pull me close. I'd lean into his body and enjoy it. I tried not to initiate too much contact because I didn't want him to think I was trying to be more than the friends that we agreed on. I also knew that getting back together with him wasn't a good idea. But I was enjoying this time with him. It was like the beginning where we were nervous, and didn't have any issues to discuss. We did talk about sex ALOT that day though, while we were at this amusement park. How we managed to do it without others knowing, I have no idea. Looking back, it was obvious that we were still very much attracted to each other. After we spent the day at the park where he met several people with whom I work, we stopped for a bite to eat on the way home, and came back to my place and crashed.<br /><br />When we awoke on Sunday, we discussed going to the baseball game. I was all for it, baseball being my all-time favorite sport. He hemmed and hawed. He'd been wanting to see PNC Park for quite some time and he finally agreed. We had more intimate time and he admitted he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the game because he wanted to spend some more alone time with me. This caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I touched his face and said, "aww, I'm touched" and we both laughed. Our time at the game was really fun. We laughed, high-fived, and did a whole lot of touching. If he didn't have his hand on my knee, I had my arm around his shoulders, or our legs were touching. Despite all this intimacy, I didn't feel that closeness we once had, and it was clear our relationship was evolving. To what, I'm not sure.<br /><br />On the way home, we discussed what was happening between us. He admitted that he was never really "with" the other girl. He said he knew he had pretty much kissed his relationship with me good-bye when he had her at his birthday party, and to save face, he had gone out with her a couple times, but had never slept with her, or anyone else. I admitted that I hadn't slept with anyone else either. We agreed that we'd continue to be friends and would sleep together exclusively, until one of us moved on. We agreed to be honest and let each other know if either of us found someone else. Although I missed him being "mine", this took a ton of pressure off of us to be a couple.<br /><br />We said our good-byes and I assumed I would talk to him in a few days or maybe a week. Wrong. He called me twice that night, and during one conversation he told me, "you know I love you, right?" I told him I did, and told him I still love him as well. In the next conversation, we both said we regretted allowing so many others to be involved in our relationship. When we did split up, his friends all told him he was crazy. My friends all told me never to talk to him again. We agreed that the details of our friendship would be off-limits to everyone else.<br /><br />I awoke to my alarm on Monday morning and saw I had a new text message from him that was sent at 2am.... "woke up missin u". What else could I reply, but "missin u too".<br /><br />The scenery on this road is different. Despite his declarations of love for me and me for him, I don't expect anything out of this relationship, and I'm free to see other people if I so desire. I don't know what will happen in the future between us. All I know is that I'm seeing him again tomorrow... on the new road.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-22618197642256085832009-07-10T10:23:00.002-04:002009-07-10T10:56:16.849-04:00My First Internet Date...I know, I know, I stooped to a new level by subscribing to an internet dating site. But I didn't know what else to do. Remember folks, I went from living with the husband, to living with XBD, and now I'm single. Most of my friends are much younger than I, or married. And I'll be frank, I don't want to tell my friends I want to be "set up". Plus, I wanted to have the option of knowing what someone looked like, how they wrote, and if they seemed interesting in any way before actually meeting them.<br /><br />So I joined a dating site and started getting emails. Some interesting, some immediately deleted. I communicated with one guy for about two weeks, and we agreed to meet this morning at a local coffee joint he mentioned. He didn't seem totally like someone I would date, but I'm trying to keep my options open. He had a kind face, he was funny, and he seemed pretty smart. Last night, I went out and looked up the coffee shop, read a couple reviews of it (very good), and got directions.<br /><br />We agree to meet at "9:30ish". I leave my house at right about 9:30, because it was reasonably close to me, and shouldn't take more than 15 minutes to get there. I really wanted to leave earlier, but today was my day off and I slept in a little later than I had intended. So the problems start as I'm on my way when I realize that the route Mapquest had chosen for me was right in the path of, you got it, a detour. I find my way out of it, albeit losing some time. I make it to said coffee joint at about 9:50am. I walk up to the door, nervous as all get out, and..... IT'S CLOSED! It wasn't closed for good, there were signs out front showing that it clearly was open, and very recently. But it was closed nonetheless. I stand there for a minute, wondering what to do at this juncture. I look around, to see if maybe there's someone in their car, watching for me to walk up and experience the same thing they had. There's nobody. I slowly meander back to my car and call my friend Mike. The conversation goes something like this:<br /><br />ME: Ready for the weirdest first internet date story EVER?<br />MIKE: Yeah....?<br />ME: Well, I get to the coffee shop and it's CLOSED!<br />MIKE: Huh? Closed? Like, for good?<br />ME: No, not for good, there were signs out front advertising protein smoothies and what-not.<br />MIKE: Hmm, that's odd.<br />ME: Who ever heard of a coffee shop that's closed at 10am? Should I just go home now?<br />MIKE: Wait, it was closed and he didn't wait for you or anything?<br />ME: No, I guess not. I mean, I said "9:30ish" and I got here at 9:50.<br />MIKE: I would have waited until about 10.<br />ME: Right. I guess I'll just go home.<br />MIKE: Sounds like a plan.<br /><br />So I come home and send him an email. Telling him I went, it was closed, and asked if he'd like to reschedule. In my mind's eye, I saw him sitting in his car, watching me walk up, thinking my ass is huge, and peeling out of there like a bat out of hell. Mike tells me this is ridiculous, and tells me nobody would do this to me, if they truly saw me (in so many words). I appreciate the words of encouragement, but Mike knows the real ME, and he loves me because of my inner beauty, not the outward. At least I hope so.<br /><br />I don't know about this whole internet dating thing. And I'm feeling awkward about talking to this potential suitor again. It's obviously a little snafu with the place being closed. If it were open, I would have went in, ordered a coffee and sat for a few. But it wasn't and I'm uncertain about what to do now. Is this an indication that internet dating is not for me? Is this confirming what I've always believed to be true, that it's better to meet people in their natural habitat of life, as opposed to forced meetings on the world wide web? Are the people that we're supposed to meet the ones that we meet in the course of our daily lives?<br /><br />I'm going to contemplate these questions for a while. And I'll let you know.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-25111208508905885222009-07-07T18:44:00.002-04:002009-07-07T19:09:02.551-04:00Table for One?Last Friday, I went out for the first time in over 18 years as a single female. I was very aware of this fact prior to going out. The strange thing about it was that I went down to the bar where XBD bartends. He wasn't there, he was down south, visiting family and working. There was a big party being held there to which I had been invited. I begged a girlfriend to go with me, and she agreed to tag along.<br /><br />The day before I was to embark on my first single-outing, I asked roomie if she had something cute I could wear. I have plenty of clothes, but I wanted something a little more risque, maybe a little more revealing. I'm not the type to wear overtly sexy clothes, but she is. She pulls out one of the tightest skirts I've ever seen. I try it on. With my new body, it looks great on me. I settle on a loose-fitting button-down to go with it, and add some jewelry. The girlfriend comes over and she's looking outstanding as well. We head down.<br /><br />We walk in and I can't tell you how many comments I got saying I never dressed like that when I was with XBD. I can only reply that the weather was never warm enough to wear outfits like this (partly true). I don't do anything remotely different than I did when I was with XBD. I dance, I chat, I greet people etc. But it felt different. I felt like... an outsider. I'm not sure why, everyone graciously greeted me and told me it was great to see me. And I believed them. But it was just different being single in that place where XBD and I spent so much time together.<br /><br />I did get chatted up a few times throughout the evening. But I wasn't feeling it. I felt awkward and I wanted to say, "I'm not ready for this". There were a few good prospects, and I even got asked out by one of them. I didn't accept, because I didn't feel it was fair to them to accept a date, and not truly be interested in them. And I'm not going to use a date as a gauge to measure my readiness for dating. The longer I was there, the more I realized I'm just not ready to enter the dating world again. I looked at these men who approached me and although they were nice, eligible, and good-looking, they weren't HIM. I felt no attraction to them, and I felt bad about it.<br /><br />Yes, I'm a single girl again. But that's probably where I'll stay for a while. When I stop being physically attracted to XBD, I can move on. I know that being XBD's girlfriend isn't an option for me. But I can't deny that I still love him. I'm going to take my time, give myself time to get over him, and enjoy being with ME for a while.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-41810501105749554492009-06-24T04:58:00.003-04:002009-06-24T06:00:16.860-04:00Was Blind, But Now I SeeWow. What a difference a day makes! Well, maybe a couple days. I'm no longer crying, no longer heaving sobs with the loss of that great love. Mostly I'm looking back at at things that happened over the past nine months in disbelief.<br /><br />I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I wanted things to work with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">XBD</span> so badly. Maybe I felt like I wanted to help him. Maybe I felt <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">privileged</span> to be with him, that this womanizer had chosen ME. Maybe I enjoyed the spotlight that being with him brought me. Whatever it is, the fog has lifted and I'm a different woman.<br /><br />In the midst of my depression, and when I was off work the day after his birthday party, I decided to go back and read my blogs from the time when I was with him. And there was only one happy blog. The rest of them were filled with doubts about the relationship (Really, go back and read them!). I never doubted that he loved me, and I still don't, but I doubted the validity of the relationship. A LOT. That should have been a red flag for me right away. I look back with amazement, at what seems to be a "spell" that he had on me.<br /><br />Yesterday, I started thinking about things in the relationship that should have shown me that things weren't right. First of all, I cheated on him. Why would I cheat on someone with whom I was so madly in love? I had a wandering eye and never considered it off limits to go out with someone else. I always told them I had a boyfriend, but I went out with them anyway. Secondly, I was worried about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">XBD</span> meeting my family, co-workers, etc. I worried about how he would carry himself, whether he would be appropriate or not, and what he would discuss. He had a myriad of children (with the same number of mothers) that I didn't admit to everyone. Finally, I didn't admit to everyone that we were even dating. After what happened in December, I was ashamed of the fact that I was back together with him. Even my blogs showed that I avidly tried to hold back, but whatever drew me to him was so strong that I just fell back into the same cycle. But I didn't admit it to certain people in my life, because I didn't want them to think I was stupid. And why wouldn't I want them to think that? Unless I WAS stupid, of course. Words to ponder. And ponder I did.<br /><br />So I got home and saw some of his sweatpants and a pair of shorts lying on a chair. I picked them up to put them in the dresser and decided I'd pack up some things for him. One empty dresser later, I felt an incredible feeling of release. I decided to stop at that point because if I kept on going, I'd be up all night. But I sat down, in the recliner that he had made his own, and looked around the room at all the possibilities. All that sports memorabilia? It would be gone. Those empty top-shelf liquor bottles? Gone. All of his breakfast-cereal-character-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">collectibles</span>? Gone. And I'd have a whole new dresser for my own things, more room for my books, and a whole lot less clutter (honestly, the things he kept!).<br /><br />I will not trash-talk <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">XBD</span>. As I said in my last blog, he did more for me than he probably realizes. If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living with the ex-husband, and miserable. I lost weight so I could look better for him (a little stress might have been involved to, but I did do it initially for him). This lead to better eating habits on my part, and an ability to say no to things that normally were my weakness (chocolate, chips, non-diet soda). I felt alive when I was with him, and completely loved. I hadn't felt like that since my first <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">husband</span> was alive and it brought out that light in me that had long been out.<br /><br />I look back on my time with XBD and know I'll have some great memories. He had a huge role in a transitional part of my life, so it's not like I'm going to forget about him anytime soon. But it's in the same way I'll never forget that boss I had who taught me so much about business. I still love him and care about him, but it's in the same manner I love and care about other people in my life. It's no longer this all-consuming devotion. People come and go from our lives and some of them are special enough to have an impact on us that we'll never forget. They serve their purpose and then it's time for them to move on. I'd like to think that I did the same for XBD, but it's not important. All in all, it was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-26485898434677472042009-06-22T15:15:00.002-04:002009-06-22T15:39:12.445-04:00The End of the EndWell folks, it's finally splitsville for me and Big Daddy. And this time it's for good. This issue he had back in December came back. And that I cannot tolerate. I believe in giving everyone a second chance. Lord knows I've deserved a second and third chance. But giving someone a second chance when it comes to drug abuse, well, that's where the chances end. I'm not even going to go into what happened in detail, it's irrelevant.<br /><br />This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.<br /><br />This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".<br /><br />I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.<br /><br />Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.<br /><br />As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-77619353245216467222009-04-11T09:00:00.003-04:002009-04-11T09:42:49.722-04:00Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a MatchFriends, what draws us to certain people? What makes us find one person attractive and not another? Is it something inherent in us, or something we learn to like? My mother once told me that I like men with "long faces". It's true, some of the men I find the most handsome have long, angular faces. Is this because I have such a round face, that I would look for men with long faces so that if we ever had children they'd have a chance at having that perfect combination of angles and cheekbones? Hmmm... I remember as a child making up my mind that I would marry someone with light-colored eyes so that maybe my children would also have light eyes. I never REALLY thought it would happen, my eyes are so dark that I assumed my kids would be brown-eyed as well. I was wrong. The boy has hazel eyes, the daughter a beautiful blue. Was it inherent looking for long-faced men, and a choice for light eyes? Vice versa? Both?<br /><br />When we're choosing a love-interest, what do we look for, aside from looks? This is always a grey area to me. I remember when I first got with Big Daddy, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. But then we talked and spent time together and I realized that this larger than life personality was only a small part of him. He had a heart of gold, cried if he was touched by something, and was kind and considerate. Those are all things I like in a person, that I might not find in someone else because they're not as physically attractive. Does that mean I let certain things slide because of those baby blues? It's possible. Am I still letting things slide because of them? Perhaps. Does he do the same for me? Absolutely. I've also met men through the years who were very easy on the eyes. And then I've spent time talking to them and they're not-so-easy on the ears. They're full of themselves, angry at life in general, or just plain boring. These are the ones we dismiss, and accept it as a fact of life that we're just not compatible.<br /><br />It's confusing to me why some people stay with their significant other. I hear people talk about their partner/spouse/lover like they're a curse. Why do people stay if they're unhappy? Why don't they sit down and talk to that person and try to work it out? If they're not married, why continue the relationship? Has society instructed us to pair-up with such influence that people allow themselves to be unhappy so that they follow the rules? Are they too lazy to look for a new place? Are they too chicken shit to bring it up? Are they afraid that if they let that person go, that they'll lose a place to live/a job/money/etc.? Being unhappy with someone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'd rather be alone.<br /><br />Aside from the physical, we look for people similar to us. I don't mean exactly the same, but definitely similar. I have friends of all sizes, shapes, colors and backgrounds. But take off their outer shell and we all lead similar lives. We love our friends and families, enjoy cultural events, are technically savvy, and have strong work ethics. Some of my friends are younger, which puts them at a different point in their life. But we're still close and enjoy much of the same things.<br /><br />Why do we choose some people as friends, but not others? I have no doubt that we also look for attractiveness in our friends. But when we're making friends, that attraction may come from a variety of places. Sometimes we're attracted to their lively nature, or their honesty, or their generosity, or their humility, or their outrageous sense of humor. Sometimes, they're physically attractive and so we're more open to friendship with them. It happens, even if we don't want to admit it. I remember meeting someone about a decade ago that I had no interest in being friends with. She seemed a little "old school" to me, and I am more contemporary. But, we shared some conversations and I realized how similar we are. We both enjoyed traveling, culture, dining out, and more. And although she may be a little old school, she's not nearly as old school as I thought. She's a real techie with every new gadget out there, she dates like it's her last week on earth, and she's up for anything at the drop of a hat. I think what I like most about her is that despite how differently we carry ourselves, she's never judgemental or negative. I've always prided myself on being those two things, so it's wonderful to get it from someone else too.<br /><br />I suppose if we could pin-point why we choose to include certain people in our lives, it would omit a whole lot of toxic people that make their way in!Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-48297385155517781992009-03-19T19:48:00.000-04:002009-03-19T20:30:26.716-04:00Oh, Behave!I was just reading my most recent blog and noticed I said something about being on good behavior, and it got me thinking. Folks, why do we start out relationships being on "good behavior"? Why don't we just act as we normally would? Is it because we think if the other person knew the "real me" right away, they might not like us? Is it because we want them to see all the wonderful sides of us before they see the not-so-wonderful sides?<br /><br />And what is good behavior, anyway? When I first got with Big Daddy, I wasn't on good behavior. I pretty much thought we'd just "hook up" occassionally and call it a day. Remember, he was supposed to be going back home to the south a couple weeks after we had our first encounter. So for the first month or so, I continued to see other men. I didn't tell Big Daddy because I didn't think it was relevant. I'd see him when it worked for both of us, and when it didn't, I'd see other men.<br /><br />Now that we've been together for a while, I'm finally on good behavior. I never realized how HARD good behavior can be! I get voice mails, e-mails and text messages from prior paramours, and I have to make a decision on whether it's appropriate to respond or not. Before, I'd just respond without thinking. Now, I have to think about whether a response will step on Big Daddy's toes, hurt his feelings, or otherwise cause problems in the relationship. Yes, it's difficult for me sometimes. But I happily think about these things because I care about his toes, his feelings and the appropriateness of it all.<br /><br />I don't think my idea of good behavior is the same as other people's ideas. When I was married to my second husband, he was definitely on good behavior right up until the wedding. I know what you're thinking... how does that happen? Didn't he show even a slight inkling of this behavior prior to the wedding? Well, no. Part of the problem was that I didn't truly get to know him before we got married. BIG MISTAKE! I knew him for a whole 2.5 months before we tied the knot. After the wedding, he became verbally abusive, demeaning and selfish. An excellent example of how people start out on good behavior and later on, let their real self show.<br /><br />I recently had someone tell me that people don't really show their true colors until six months into the relationship. Me and Big Daddy finally made it to the six-month-mark. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait six months for him to show me what he's capable of. And more thankfully, we're not married. But it also shows that we all have character flaws. He's not abusive or demeaning, but he can be selfish at times. Armed with this knowledge, I can behave toward him appropriately. I'm on my toes, don't give him full access to my assets, and am careful with money. But I also know I'm physically safe when I'm with him. A sense of well being trumps having to be a little cautious.<br /><br />Guess what folks? I've got some character flaws of my own. I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of that at all. My insecurity has gotten the best of me in the past and I've cheated so I'll feel wanted. I hate knowing this about myself. But I also believe in full disclosure and I told Big Daddy about it when we first got together. I don't know if he thought I'd never do it to him (like I thought back in December), but it happened. It was something that happened on a whim. Not unlike what he did to me, I just didn't think about him at the time or the consequences. Big Daddy and I didn't break up over my infidelity. But armed with that knowledge, he behaves appropriately with me. He now gives me more physical attention even if he's not in the mood and tells me he loves me more often. But he also knows that I'm honest to a fault and would support him in whatever he does. Apparently, an honest and supportive partner trumps having to occassionally stroke their ego.<br /><br />We're still behaving these days. But at the same time, we're being ourselves. And that's another thing we love about being together - we can just be ourselves without judgement. And that trumps the other bullshit without question.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-6672837403010545222009-03-06T21:02:00.000-05:002009-03-06T21:34:22.219-05:00Keep On Keepin' OnThings have been moving along with Big Daddy. And yes, I'm aware that I'm back to calling him Big Daddy. It is what it is. Why try to deny it?<br /><br />We have not moved back in together. That's not in the cards at this time. I'm not so naive that I would accept his apology and move him back in. That's just ridiculous. Currently, we spend more time apart than together. With him being those 35 miles away, it's not condusive to see each other every day. <br /><br />When we do get together (every weekend), we spend much of our time with family. We do make it a point to spend one weekend evening completely alone. We've had a great intimate connection and I wouldn't miss it for the world. On the second night of the weekend, we stay with the family, usually completely separate from each other. I think this helps me keep things in prospective, but I don't know.<br /><br />Today was a little weird. My car is getting completely overhauled (I won't go into the myriad of problems I've had with it) and is in the shop. We made arrangements for us to get together, and those plans fell through. I took it in stride. Shit happens. But Big Daddy was PISSED. I think that was the moment I realized that he missed me as much as, if not more than, I missed him. And upon that realization, I had an epiphany. I am insecure. But why? I thought I was past the feelings of inferiority that I had fought so hard to overcome.<br /><br />When I lost my first husband to cancer, his last words to me were to tell me that he was ready to give up his fight and he was ready to die. And although he was sick and in pain, I understood those words to mean that a life with me was no longer worth fighting for. My mind has since told me those thoughts are ludicrous. But my self-esteem didn't really grasp it. Since then, I have driven many a worthy man away by convincing him I am not worthy. The incident with Big Daddy back in December hasn't helped matters. I don't know when it stopped being about this horrible thing he did, and turned into me deserving what I got.<br /><br />Contemplating this strange turn of events has been eye-opening. And I know that I can start enjoying being with Big Daddy more, at the same time with both eyes open. I don't have to be on "good behavior". I can just be myself, which, surprisingly, is already behaving quite well. Who would have thunk it?Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-29276019455465157412009-01-24T16:44:00.000-05:002009-01-24T17:28:29.621-05:00Too Much of a Good Thing?Last weekend, XBD came to visit me for a long weekend. We had been talking regularly and despite being guarded, I wanted to spend some more time with him HERE, the place we had once called "our place". Who knew the weekend would be so eventful?<br /><br />I had taken Friday off so I was home all day. We hadn't planned on him coming out until Friday evening. He called me mid-morning and we talked about him coming earlier so we could spend more time together. His cousin and a friend drove him out and we sat around talking for a while. The four of us then headed to a little local dive bar. We shared two pitchers of beer and decided to go get some food. We took off and, crap, got pulled over by the cops in my little one-horse town. It seems the friend had thrown a cigarette butt out the window. They pulled XBD out of the car and asked him where he was from. XBD told him and they asked him what he was doing in this area. He pointed to me and said they were visiting me. The officer proceeded to put XBD in the back of his car. He then pulled out his cousin, and then the friend. He frisked them, checked their licenses and questioned them all. He then came over and talked to me, asking me who they are. I told them who they all were to me, and he asked me if I had lived in that area all my life. I told him no, I had just moved there from the city, where I had lived for over a decade. He never once asked to see my license, or any sort of identification.<br /><br />He asked me if I was okay to drive and I told him I was fine. He made XBD's cousin and friend get back in the car with me and had us follow him to the police station, where he gave XBD a breathalizer test. We assume he passed, because then the officer came out and said he was taking him to the local hospital where they would give him a blood test. He told us XBD would call us and we could pick him up from the hospital. We went back to the house and sat tight. When XBD did call about an hour or so later, he asked us to pick him up from the police station. We thought this was weird, but we headed out. As soon as I pulled off our street, the police were waiting to follow me there. I pulled in to the police station and went in to pick up XBD. I slowly realized that they didn't have me pick him up from the hospital because it's not in their municipality and they wouldn't be able to follow me. I think they really just wanted to verify that I lived where I said I did, but who knows?<br /><br />Once we got out of the police station, we went back to our original plans of getting food. We also had several pitchers of beer before heading home. XBD and I insisted that the cousin and friend stay at our place but the friend insisted otherwise and they left after midnight. XBD and I were nervous about this, but they left anyway. Thank heavens, they made it home okay.<br /><br />We woke up Saturday and had some intimate time together. It was.... different. In a good way. I don't like going into details like that, so I won't. But let's just say I was very much satisfied, but I wanted more. I knew we would be together for a couple more days so I didn't sweat it.<br /><br />On Sunday, I got to drive in slippery snow for the first time. It was horrifying but XBD helped me through it. Yes, I've lived in Pittsburgh since 1996, but I had managed to NEVER drive in snow the whole time. When I told XBD that it was my first time driving in it, he was surprised I didn't panic more than I did. Having lived in L.A. for so many years, driving comes naturally to me, but so does knowing where I am and where I'm going. I know L.A. like the back of my hand, but the Pittsburgh area has always baffled me.<br /><br />Later that day, we watched the Steelers win the AFC championship. In the last four minutes of the game, the Ravens offense took the field. XBD had worn down his fingernails biting them and he was uber-nervous. I calmly looked at him and said, "Flacco hasn't been on the field in over half an hour, he's cold, he's throwing an interception and Polamalu is getting it". Next thing we know, that's exactly what happened. We were screaming and jumping and hugging each other. I called everything but the touchdown. Our cell phones started ringing off the hook; his calls came from his family in Florida, mine came from my family in L.A.<br /><br />Monday was a holiday and I was off work. We spent the day inside, cuddling in the recliner watching TV. We didn't seem to be on the same page intimately and I guess we crossed signals somewhere. Basically, I think we both wanted it but neither was inclined to ask for it. <br /><br />Monday night, I got a call from the brother of my first husband, who died of cancer back in early 1991. I have remained close to the family and he called me to ask me to come back to L.A. for a memorial service in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Folks, he's been gone for 18 years and they've never had a memorial service for him. There was no way I could get time off in that short of time, having just gotten a promotion. The weeks before the anniversary of his death is always a hard time for me emotionally. I'm typically very melancholy, angry and in tears much of the time, even with the passing of time. This made things even worse for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to make the memorial for him. By the end of my phone conversation, I was a blubbering mess, unable to speak or do anything more than sob. XBD was very understanding, and held me and tried to comfort me.<br /><br />He stayed home and caulked roomies tub on Tuesday while I went to work. I knew he was planning on going to his son's basketball game that night. He headed out late that afternoon. I told him I wouldn't see him the following weekend because I wanted to give him some time to bond with his son. He told me he'd give me a call after the game.<br /><br />After this long weekend, I was feeling disconnected again. Despite the intimacy, the cuddling, the time we spent together, I was feeling "some kind of way". I was pissed at him and I didn't know why. It could have been because the anniversary of my entry into widowhood was coming, I don't know. I decided I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Apparently, he felt the same way. He never called me.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-8141775191726678542009-01-20T20:42:00.001-05:002009-01-20T21:21:22.907-05:00Life in the Slow LaneAh love..... such a wonderful emotion, the anticipation of seeing that special someone..... oh who am I kidding? Love can be tricky sometimes.<br /><br />I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.<br /><br />On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.<br /><br />Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.<br /><br />Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.<br /><br />I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-37509476465984131432009-01-07T21:31:00.000-05:002009-01-07T22:00:10.620-05:00Where Do We Go From Here?Good evening friends! It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I haven't posted on this blog because there hasn't been much in the relationship aspect of my life lately. XBD and I recently started talking again after two weeks of very little contact. Those two weeks consisted of me working a whole lot of overtime to take my mind off of things.<br /><br />He got a new phone number today and we talked a bit. I'm so torn right now. I'm still so in love with him and it's hard to let go of that feeling. We both made so many mistakes in our relationship, and we took each other for granted. These past couple of weeks gave us time to put things in prospective, because we probably only talked twice.<br /><br />His daughter had her baby yesterday, which is really what started us talking. From what I understand, she's a beautiful baby girl. I talked to his daughter, who was keeping me abreast on the labor, and told her I would come out this weekend and see the baby. XBD and I agreed we'd spend some time together outside of visiting his new granddaughter. I spoke very openly to him today, less guarded than normal, and told him I missed him. His response was, "there's no possible way you can miss me more than I miss you". He asked me when I was coming out this weekend and I told him I wasn't sure. He asked me if I would stay the whole weekend. I told him I would come out Friday and we'd see how things went.<br /><br />Folks, I don't want getting back together with XBD to be a goal right now. I'd like to spend time with him. But we need to take things VERY slowly. We dove into this relationship and didn't set any ground rules for each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't have to tell someone not to take my ATM card and our roommates car. I'm really mad at him for ruining that special relationship we had. I'm pissed off that he abused the trust I had in him. I'm also confused about whether he learned a valuable lesson about losing someone because of something stupid he did, or maybe the valuable lesson was that he can do stupid things and know that, eventually, I'll come back to him. And that's the one thing that grates on me the most.<br /><br />I started thinking that maybe I thought the relationship was better than it really was. Was I running him off so well that he took that opportunity to ruin things with me so he had an out? I had no idea. I finally broke down today and asked him if he thought we had a good relationship. He said, "Yeah, I thought so. Why? Didn't you?" I said I thought we did as well, but I didn't know if I was looking at it all a little skewed, and I never knew what he was thinking. He said he loved me, he always had, and always would.<br /><br />So where do we go from here? We once had our relationship planned out. We knew what we were doing from one day to the next, and had things planned weeks in advance. We don't do that anymore. With the exception of our plans to spend time together this weekend, we're just taking it minute by minute.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-87445320221138498012008-12-28T03:22:00.001-05:002008-12-28T04:41:50.440-05:00Middle of the End?I consider my Blind-Sided posts to be the beginning of the end for me and ex-Big Daddy (XBD). I can only assume that what's happening now is the middle of the end.<br /><br />I don't know what causes me to be drawn so heavily to XBD. I think he made me feel so good that I didn't want to give that up. Even after he made me feel so bad. Whatever the case may be, I spent a few days over Christmas with him. A friend of mine was going to NYC for the holidays to see her family and she let me stay at her apartment in the city. XBD and I had been talking and were both going to be alone. Since we had planned on spending the holiday together anyway, we talked about getting together.<br /><br />As the days led up to Christmas, I got this uneasy feeling about us getting together. I wasn't uneasy about being with him, I was uneasy that he would cancel and I would truly be stuck alone. On Christmas Eve, I hadn't talked to him in two days and I was sick to my stomach. Eating wasn't even possible. He finally called me and we made plans to meet. I packed up some of his clothes in a bag and met him locally.<br /><br />We drove into the city and stayed at my friend's apartment. It was a rough Christmas. We just couldn't get on the same page emotionally. I was trying to just enjoy our time together, and not think about the past. I made the choice to be with him because I still love him, not to be a bitch. He was stand-offish because I think he was expecting me to be a bitch.<br /><br />The days passed and we managed to get on track. We agreed that we love each other, but living together isn't possible right now. He talked about paying me back and getting his life in order. We hugged, kissed and I knew I was stupid for doing it. I couldn't help it. I loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know why.<br /><br />Saturday we headed out of the city to take him home. We agreed that we could stay at the little local motel there. We never made it there. We stopped for a drink and he ran into a friend. The friend said some things that didn't sit right with me. I won't go into it, but it made me question XBD's love for me. The friend insisted that he loves me, but I wasn't buying it. XBD took his bag out of my trunk and walked off. As I started to drive away, I rationalized that I was letting something that someone else said come between us. I stopped and waved him over. He started walking toward me when another friend pulled up and called out to him. He went over to that friend and got in the car. I turned around and started driving home. This was a symbol of so many aspects of our relationship.<br /><br />He texted me several times, asking me how the car was running. He told me he loved me, but didn't want me to bitch at him. I told him I had no plans to bitch at him. But he wouldn't call me. He refused. I left him a couple messages. I begged him to tell me to turn around and come back to him. But he never did. I knew he had checked the messages. And then all contact ceased. No texts, calls, anything. And I wondered why I was paying the phone bill. So I sent him a text asking him to call me by a certain time. Of course, he didn't.<br /><br />I started thinking about why I loved him. He wasn't being attentive. Maybe I was being a little crazy, but we had JUST talked that morning about how we wanted to be together. He wasn't making me feel good about myself, it was quite the contrary. Our sex life had suffered in the past month as well. I had just gotten my replacement ATM card and I had spent almost all my money on him... again. WHY?<br /><br />So I sent him another text telling him to talk to his pregnant daughter and give her another way to get ahold of him when it was time for the baby. Then I called the cell phone company and had the phone shut off. I had a brief moment of panic when I tried to figure out how I would ever talk to him again. Then I realized that was the whole point. I knew he'd just drain me emotionally and financially. I knew I had to get my self esteem back and it wouldn't happen with him in the picture.<br /><br />I don't know what will happen with Big Daddy. I don't know if he'll move back south to his family. He told me over the past few days that he wouldn't, but he told me alot of things that never came to pass. I'm not bitter at all. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I love him like crazy, but it's just not healthy anymore. The game was too fast and the stakes were too high for me. There were things about him to which I turned a blind eye. He had a drinking problem and I drank too much when I was with him. He rarely worked so I was pretty much supporting him. We were always running here and there. When we lived together, we had many relaxing nights together, but that was never really his style. He was always moving and I was probably bringing him down. Although we're the same age, I wanted to live a quiet uneventful life and that wasn't in the cards for him. There was always some sort of anxiety around being with him. I lost alot of weight because I could rarely eat. I think it will be better (for him and me) if I pull myself off the field and just cheer on the sidelines. I need to rest, catch my breath, and sit this one out.<br /><br />But I'll miss that passionate love we shared. Looks like another love TKO.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3709082502475365926.post-62864918378892035302008-12-21T07:23:00.000-05:002008-12-21T08:23:07.871-05:00Blind-Sided Part 3A very good friend recently texted me "Your life is a soap opera". And lately, that's been very true.<br /><br />Just to bring you up to date, I did finally get roomie's car. It was pretty traumatic though. We had to ask a crapload of our friends to take me over there to get it. You see, roomie had just gotten surgery, and my car was still at the shop. We had no choice but to ask friends. Remember that very good friend up there? He couldn't do it, had some sort of function with his politico father. Most of my other friends live in the city and don't have cars. The rest of them were working. I had to call in sick because I was just overwhelmed by this, and with my medical condition, I was VERY worried about my own health. But roomie did finally find someone to take me to get the car, as I mentioned, about 35 miles away.<br /><br />Roomie's friend shows up to pick me up, just in time for the mail carrier to drop off a box for XBD, from his mother. We open it and go through it. It's weird stuff.... soup mix, cold medicine, a Steelers scarf, and a Christmas card that says she hopes he and I have a Merry Christmas. It has me tearing up yet again. Surprisingly, it also has a $20 bill in it. I pocket it, and yet still feel bad doing it.<br /><br />She drives me down there and we stop at FOBD's place of employment to pick up the keys. He is very comforting to me and says he just can't believe it, he never thought XBD would do this to me and my roomie. He tells me he talked to XBD again and I tell him I surprised he came by. FOBD says XBD found a phone charger and, miraculously, it fit his phone. We laugh at his good luck and he gives me the keys, we hug and I leave. Roomie's friend takes me to where the car is parked. It's there. We breathe yet another sigh of relief. I get in, adjust the seat, and get ready to call roomie. I can't call her yet. I'm just overwhelmed at what's happening. Just knowing that XBD's cell phone is on and working makes me want to call him, but I know that I can't. Well, I guess I could have, but I knew it wouldn't matter. I start heaving sobs yet again. I try to drive but have to pull over. I call roomie and tell her I have to compose myself before driving. She understands completely. <br /><br />I had pulled over in a non-so-convenient place so I drive to FOBD's establishment to talk some more. He's glad I have the car. He breaks down and tells me that although he knows XBD has done this sort of thing before, it was years before and he never thought he'd do it to me, mainly because he knew XBD was very much in love with me. He says he really thought I was good for him and thought maybe he had changed. These words are bittersweet. I learned he really did love me after all, but knowing that also made it hurt even more. I had to leave. But I decided to walk the long way to where the car was parked so I could get another block of air, and to compose myself before getting behind the wheel.<br /><br />I turned the corner and *BAM* I am about a millimeter short of bumping right into XBD. We had that awkward second of apologizing while trying to see who we just bumped into. When we realized who each other was, we both just burst into tears. Both of us. Standing there on the corner. Sobbing. Neither of us could take it anymore. We hugged and just stood there like that. We walk to the car and get in.<br /><br />Roomie calls me and I answer. I motion for XBD to get out of the car for a minute. Roomie proceeds to tell me that a good friend of hers, who I have only met twice, has offered to lend me the money to get my car. I am back to sobbing. The outpouring of support from my roomie, despite my boyfriend taking her car, is just too much for me. I'm so very grateful to her, and her friends. We hang up and XBD gets in the car.<br /><br />We start sobbing again, hugging and trying to talk, but being unable at first. We both know we can't be together anymore. He knows he fucked up good and proper and there's no turning back. We gain some sembelance of composure and he says some interesting things. He tells me that he thought all night and day about our ride to the Park N Ride that morning, when we had to pull over because we were both teary-eyed after declaring our love for each other. This is something that had been on my mind too. He said he remembered saying that all he needed at Christmas was to be with me, and now he doesn't even have that because of his stupidity. He tells me that he wishes he could make time go back so he could make better decisions. And then he tells me, "I know you don't think I love you, but I do. If you believe only one thing I've ever said, please believe that." I do.<br /><br />People, he looked horrible. He was chewing his fingernails, something he only did when he was in a very uncomfortable position. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his cheek. I tried to smile through my tears and we kissed. I wanted to take him home and let him get a shower and lay on the couch together again, and then crawl into bed with his body wrapped around me. I wanted him to make love to me like he did before. His every touch making me lose my breath, every single time. I loved him so much at that moment that I wished I could make time go back too.<br /><br />He asked me if there was any chance that we could get back together. I tell him it's too soon to try to think about such things, and he had to know he could never come back to Roomie's house. He says he understands, and he knows my mind is made up. I tell him, "It's not that my mind is made up, it's the way it HAS to be. You ruined it. I wish I could just drive us home together right now, but you ruined it. God I love you so much, but you ruined it." We're back to sobbing again because as much as we were in love, we wouldn't be waking up together every morning. <br /><br />Folks, I was in a long-term relationship before and the last two years of it were hell due to things he did and I just fell out of love with him. I remember telling him "you ruined it" and being ready to walk away. But this time, telling XBD that he ruined it, but not wanting to walk away was a feeling I didn't understand. I didn't want things to end. I wanted to wake up and make it just be a dream, and he'd be lying beside me telling me everything would be okay. I'm so in love with him, but I have lost all trust in him. I wanted to take him home but I knew that wouldn't be smart. There was a war going on between my heart and my head.<br /><br />You see, I had sympathy for XBD. I had made some not-so-great decisions in my relationship with him as well. I had slept with someone else and had such regret that it took me days to be able to look at XBD again. I understood his regret, and I knew how sorry he was. I'd done my share of things I regretted but what I did was between me and him, it didn't involve me taking anyone else's property. What I did was something we could work out between us. If it was just the money he took, we might have been able to work it out. But he crossed the line when he took roomie's car. And there was just no turning back.<br /><br />Since then, we've talked a few times. We still tell each other that we love each other. I'm not going to lie, I still want to be with him. Most people probably wouldn't understand this. Most people would think I'm stupid. Hell, even *I* think I'm stupid. But I know we can't live together right now. Maybe we can take this slow. We talked last night about how we just jumped into this relationship without truly getting to know each other. I suppose the fact that we knew each other in passing, as well as knowing each others' friends, made us think that we knew everything we needed to know. That wasn't the case.<br /><br />I don't know what the future will be for me and XBD (see, I'm still calling him EX Big Daddy). I'd like to think there is going to be a happy ending for us, but I just don't know.Pittsburgh Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13953289313769593450noreply@blogger.com0