Wow. What a difference a day makes! Well, maybe a couple days. I'm no longer crying, no longer heaving sobs with the loss of that great love. Mostly I'm looking back at at things that happened over the past nine months in disbelief.
I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I wanted things to work with XBD so badly. Maybe I felt like I wanted to help him. Maybe I felt privileged to be with him, that this womanizer had chosen ME. Maybe I enjoyed the spotlight that being with him brought me. Whatever it is, the fog has lifted and I'm a different woman.
In the midst of my depression, and when I was off work the day after his birthday party, I decided to go back and read my blogs from the time when I was with him. And there was only one happy blog. The rest of them were filled with doubts about the relationship (Really, go back and read them!). I never doubted that he loved me, and I still don't, but I doubted the validity of the relationship. A LOT. That should have been a red flag for me right away. I look back with amazement, at what seems to be a "spell" that he had on me.
Yesterday, I started thinking about things in the relationship that should have shown me that things weren't right. First of all, I cheated on him. Why would I cheat on someone with whom I was so madly in love? I had a wandering eye and never considered it off limits to go out with someone else. I always told them I had a boyfriend, but I went out with them anyway. Secondly, I was worried about XBD meeting my family, co-workers, etc. I worried about how he would carry himself, whether he would be appropriate or not, and what he would discuss. He had a myriad of children (with the same number of mothers) that I didn't admit to everyone. Finally, I didn't admit to everyone that we were even dating. After what happened in December, I was ashamed of the fact that I was back together with him. Even my blogs showed that I avidly tried to hold back, but whatever drew me to him was so strong that I just fell back into the same cycle. But I didn't admit it to certain people in my life, because I didn't want them to think I was stupid. And why wouldn't I want them to think that? Unless I WAS stupid, of course. Words to ponder. And ponder I did.
So I got home and saw some of his sweatpants and a pair of shorts lying on a chair. I picked them up to put them in the dresser and decided I'd pack up some things for him. One empty dresser later, I felt an incredible feeling of release. I decided to stop at that point because if I kept on going, I'd be up all night. But I sat down, in the recliner that he had made his own, and looked around the room at all the possibilities. All that sports memorabilia? It would be gone. Those empty top-shelf liquor bottles? Gone. All of his breakfast-cereal-character-collectibles? Gone. And I'd have a whole new dresser for my own things, more room for my books, and a whole lot less clutter (honestly, the things he kept!).
I will not trash-talk XBD. As I said in my last blog, he did more for me than he probably realizes. If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living with the ex-husband, and miserable. I lost weight so I could look better for him (a little stress might have been involved to, but I did do it initially for him). This lead to better eating habits on my part, and an ability to say no to things that normally were my weakness (chocolate, chips, non-diet soda). I felt alive when I was with him, and completely loved. I hadn't felt like that since my first husband was alive and it brought out that light in me that had long been out.
I look back on my time with XBD and know I'll have some great memories. He had a huge role in a transitional part of my life, so it's not like I'm going to forget about him anytime soon. But it's in the same way I'll never forget that boss I had who taught me so much about business. I still love him and care about him, but it's in the same manner I love and care about other people in my life. It's no longer this all-consuming devotion. People come and go from our lives and some of them are special enough to have an impact on us that we'll never forget. They serve their purpose and then it's time for them to move on. I'd like to think that I did the same for XBD, but it's not important. All in all, it was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The End of the End
Well folks, it's finally splitsville for me and Big Daddy. And this time it's for good. This issue he had back in December came back. And that I cannot tolerate. I believe in giving everyone a second chance. Lord knows I've deserved a second and third chance. But giving someone a second chance when it comes to drug abuse, well, that's where the chances end. I'm not even going to go into what happened in detail, it's irrelevant.
This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.
This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".
I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.
Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.
As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.
This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.
This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".
I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.
Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.
As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match
Friends, what draws us to certain people? What makes us find one person attractive and not another? Is it something inherent in us, or something we learn to like? My mother once told me that I like men with "long faces". It's true, some of the men I find the most handsome have long, angular faces. Is this because I have such a round face, that I would look for men with long faces so that if we ever had children they'd have a chance at having that perfect combination of angles and cheekbones? Hmmm... I remember as a child making up my mind that I would marry someone with light-colored eyes so that maybe my children would also have light eyes. I never REALLY thought it would happen, my eyes are so dark that I assumed my kids would be brown-eyed as well. I was wrong. The boy has hazel eyes, the daughter a beautiful blue. Was it inherent looking for long-faced men, and a choice for light eyes? Vice versa? Both?
When we're choosing a love-interest, what do we look for, aside from looks? This is always a grey area to me. I remember when I first got with Big Daddy, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. But then we talked and spent time together and I realized that this larger than life personality was only a small part of him. He had a heart of gold, cried if he was touched by something, and was kind and considerate. Those are all things I like in a person, that I might not find in someone else because they're not as physically attractive. Does that mean I let certain things slide because of those baby blues? It's possible. Am I still letting things slide because of them? Perhaps. Does he do the same for me? Absolutely. I've also met men through the years who were very easy on the eyes. And then I've spent time talking to them and they're not-so-easy on the ears. They're full of themselves, angry at life in general, or just plain boring. These are the ones we dismiss, and accept it as a fact of life that we're just not compatible.
It's confusing to me why some people stay with their significant other. I hear people talk about their partner/spouse/lover like they're a curse. Why do people stay if they're unhappy? Why don't they sit down and talk to that person and try to work it out? If they're not married, why continue the relationship? Has society instructed us to pair-up with such influence that people allow themselves to be unhappy so that they follow the rules? Are they too lazy to look for a new place? Are they too chicken shit to bring it up? Are they afraid that if they let that person go, that they'll lose a place to live/a job/money/etc.? Being unhappy with someone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'd rather be alone.
Aside from the physical, we look for people similar to us. I don't mean exactly the same, but definitely similar. I have friends of all sizes, shapes, colors and backgrounds. But take off their outer shell and we all lead similar lives. We love our friends and families, enjoy cultural events, are technically savvy, and have strong work ethics. Some of my friends are younger, which puts them at a different point in their life. But we're still close and enjoy much of the same things.
Why do we choose some people as friends, but not others? I have no doubt that we also look for attractiveness in our friends. But when we're making friends, that attraction may come from a variety of places. Sometimes we're attracted to their lively nature, or their honesty, or their generosity, or their humility, or their outrageous sense of humor. Sometimes, they're physically attractive and so we're more open to friendship with them. It happens, even if we don't want to admit it. I remember meeting someone about a decade ago that I had no interest in being friends with. She seemed a little "old school" to me, and I am more contemporary. But, we shared some conversations and I realized how similar we are. We both enjoyed traveling, culture, dining out, and more. And although she may be a little old school, she's not nearly as old school as I thought. She's a real techie with every new gadget out there, she dates like it's her last week on earth, and she's up for anything at the drop of a hat. I think what I like most about her is that despite how differently we carry ourselves, she's never judgemental or negative. I've always prided myself on being those two things, so it's wonderful to get it from someone else too.
I suppose if we could pin-point why we choose to include certain people in our lives, it would omit a whole lot of toxic people that make their way in!
When we're choosing a love-interest, what do we look for, aside from looks? This is always a grey area to me. I remember when I first got with Big Daddy, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. But then we talked and spent time together and I realized that this larger than life personality was only a small part of him. He had a heart of gold, cried if he was touched by something, and was kind and considerate. Those are all things I like in a person, that I might not find in someone else because they're not as physically attractive. Does that mean I let certain things slide because of those baby blues? It's possible. Am I still letting things slide because of them? Perhaps. Does he do the same for me? Absolutely. I've also met men through the years who were very easy on the eyes. And then I've spent time talking to them and they're not-so-easy on the ears. They're full of themselves, angry at life in general, or just plain boring. These are the ones we dismiss, and accept it as a fact of life that we're just not compatible.
It's confusing to me why some people stay with their significant other. I hear people talk about their partner/spouse/lover like they're a curse. Why do people stay if they're unhappy? Why don't they sit down and talk to that person and try to work it out? If they're not married, why continue the relationship? Has society instructed us to pair-up with such influence that people allow themselves to be unhappy so that they follow the rules? Are they too lazy to look for a new place? Are they too chicken shit to bring it up? Are they afraid that if they let that person go, that they'll lose a place to live/a job/money/etc.? Being unhappy with someone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'd rather be alone.
Aside from the physical, we look for people similar to us. I don't mean exactly the same, but definitely similar. I have friends of all sizes, shapes, colors and backgrounds. But take off their outer shell and we all lead similar lives. We love our friends and families, enjoy cultural events, are technically savvy, and have strong work ethics. Some of my friends are younger, which puts them at a different point in their life. But we're still close and enjoy much of the same things.
Why do we choose some people as friends, but not others? I have no doubt that we also look for attractiveness in our friends. But when we're making friends, that attraction may come from a variety of places. Sometimes we're attracted to their lively nature, or their honesty, or their generosity, or their humility, or their outrageous sense of humor. Sometimes, they're physically attractive and so we're more open to friendship with them. It happens, even if we don't want to admit it. I remember meeting someone about a decade ago that I had no interest in being friends with. She seemed a little "old school" to me, and I am more contemporary. But, we shared some conversations and I realized how similar we are. We both enjoyed traveling, culture, dining out, and more. And although she may be a little old school, she's not nearly as old school as I thought. She's a real techie with every new gadget out there, she dates like it's her last week on earth, and she's up for anything at the drop of a hat. I think what I like most about her is that despite how differently we carry ourselves, she's never judgemental or negative. I've always prided myself on being those two things, so it's wonderful to get it from someone else too.
I suppose if we could pin-point why we choose to include certain people in our lives, it would omit a whole lot of toxic people that make their way in!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Oh, Behave!
I was just reading my most recent blog and noticed I said something about being on good behavior, and it got me thinking. Folks, why do we start out relationships being on "good behavior"? Why don't we just act as we normally would? Is it because we think if the other person knew the "real me" right away, they might not like us? Is it because we want them to see all the wonderful sides of us before they see the not-so-wonderful sides?
And what is good behavior, anyway? When I first got with Big Daddy, I wasn't on good behavior. I pretty much thought we'd just "hook up" occassionally and call it a day. Remember, he was supposed to be going back home to the south a couple weeks after we had our first encounter. So for the first month or so, I continued to see other men. I didn't tell Big Daddy because I didn't think it was relevant. I'd see him when it worked for both of us, and when it didn't, I'd see other men.
Now that we've been together for a while, I'm finally on good behavior. I never realized how HARD good behavior can be! I get voice mails, e-mails and text messages from prior paramours, and I have to make a decision on whether it's appropriate to respond or not. Before, I'd just respond without thinking. Now, I have to think about whether a response will step on Big Daddy's toes, hurt his feelings, or otherwise cause problems in the relationship. Yes, it's difficult for me sometimes. But I happily think about these things because I care about his toes, his feelings and the appropriateness of it all.
I don't think my idea of good behavior is the same as other people's ideas. When I was married to my second husband, he was definitely on good behavior right up until the wedding. I know what you're thinking... how does that happen? Didn't he show even a slight inkling of this behavior prior to the wedding? Well, no. Part of the problem was that I didn't truly get to know him before we got married. BIG MISTAKE! I knew him for a whole 2.5 months before we tied the knot. After the wedding, he became verbally abusive, demeaning and selfish. An excellent example of how people start out on good behavior and later on, let their real self show.
I recently had someone tell me that people don't really show their true colors until six months into the relationship. Me and Big Daddy finally made it to the six-month-mark. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait six months for him to show me what he's capable of. And more thankfully, we're not married. But it also shows that we all have character flaws. He's not abusive or demeaning, but he can be selfish at times. Armed with this knowledge, I can behave toward him appropriately. I'm on my toes, don't give him full access to my assets, and am careful with money. But I also know I'm physically safe when I'm with him. A sense of well being trumps having to be a little cautious.
Guess what folks? I've got some character flaws of my own. I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of that at all. My insecurity has gotten the best of me in the past and I've cheated so I'll feel wanted. I hate knowing this about myself. But I also believe in full disclosure and I told Big Daddy about it when we first got together. I don't know if he thought I'd never do it to him (like I thought back in December), but it happened. It was something that happened on a whim. Not unlike what he did to me, I just didn't think about him at the time or the consequences. Big Daddy and I didn't break up over my infidelity. But armed with that knowledge, he behaves appropriately with me. He now gives me more physical attention even if he's not in the mood and tells me he loves me more often. But he also knows that I'm honest to a fault and would support him in whatever he does. Apparently, an honest and supportive partner trumps having to occassionally stroke their ego.
We're still behaving these days. But at the same time, we're being ourselves. And that's another thing we love about being together - we can just be ourselves without judgement. And that trumps the other bullshit without question.
And what is good behavior, anyway? When I first got with Big Daddy, I wasn't on good behavior. I pretty much thought we'd just "hook up" occassionally and call it a day. Remember, he was supposed to be going back home to the south a couple weeks after we had our first encounter. So for the first month or so, I continued to see other men. I didn't tell Big Daddy because I didn't think it was relevant. I'd see him when it worked for both of us, and when it didn't, I'd see other men.
Now that we've been together for a while, I'm finally on good behavior. I never realized how HARD good behavior can be! I get voice mails, e-mails and text messages from prior paramours, and I have to make a decision on whether it's appropriate to respond or not. Before, I'd just respond without thinking. Now, I have to think about whether a response will step on Big Daddy's toes, hurt his feelings, or otherwise cause problems in the relationship. Yes, it's difficult for me sometimes. But I happily think about these things because I care about his toes, his feelings and the appropriateness of it all.
I don't think my idea of good behavior is the same as other people's ideas. When I was married to my second husband, he was definitely on good behavior right up until the wedding. I know what you're thinking... how does that happen? Didn't he show even a slight inkling of this behavior prior to the wedding? Well, no. Part of the problem was that I didn't truly get to know him before we got married. BIG MISTAKE! I knew him for a whole 2.5 months before we tied the knot. After the wedding, he became verbally abusive, demeaning and selfish. An excellent example of how people start out on good behavior and later on, let their real self show.
I recently had someone tell me that people don't really show their true colors until six months into the relationship. Me and Big Daddy finally made it to the six-month-mark. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait six months for him to show me what he's capable of. And more thankfully, we're not married. But it also shows that we all have character flaws. He's not abusive or demeaning, but he can be selfish at times. Armed with this knowledge, I can behave toward him appropriately. I'm on my toes, don't give him full access to my assets, and am careful with money. But I also know I'm physically safe when I'm with him. A sense of well being trumps having to be a little cautious.
Guess what folks? I've got some character flaws of my own. I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of that at all. My insecurity has gotten the best of me in the past and I've cheated so I'll feel wanted. I hate knowing this about myself. But I also believe in full disclosure and I told Big Daddy about it when we first got together. I don't know if he thought I'd never do it to him (like I thought back in December), but it happened. It was something that happened on a whim. Not unlike what he did to me, I just didn't think about him at the time or the consequences. Big Daddy and I didn't break up over my infidelity. But armed with that knowledge, he behaves appropriately with me. He now gives me more physical attention even if he's not in the mood and tells me he loves me more often. But he also knows that I'm honest to a fault and would support him in whatever he does. Apparently, an honest and supportive partner trumps having to occassionally stroke their ego.
We're still behaving these days. But at the same time, we're being ourselves. And that's another thing we love about being together - we can just be ourselves without judgement. And that trumps the other bullshit without question.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Keep On Keepin' On
Things have been moving along with Big Daddy. And yes, I'm aware that I'm back to calling him Big Daddy. It is what it is. Why try to deny it?
We have not moved back in together. That's not in the cards at this time. I'm not so naive that I would accept his apology and move him back in. That's just ridiculous. Currently, we spend more time apart than together. With him being those 35 miles away, it's not condusive to see each other every day.
When we do get together (every weekend), we spend much of our time with family. We do make it a point to spend one weekend evening completely alone. We've had a great intimate connection and I wouldn't miss it for the world. On the second night of the weekend, we stay with the family, usually completely separate from each other. I think this helps me keep things in prospective, but I don't know.
Today was a little weird. My car is getting completely overhauled (I won't go into the myriad of problems I've had with it) and is in the shop. We made arrangements for us to get together, and those plans fell through. I took it in stride. Shit happens. But Big Daddy was PISSED. I think that was the moment I realized that he missed me as much as, if not more than, I missed him. And upon that realization, I had an epiphany. I am insecure. But why? I thought I was past the feelings of inferiority that I had fought so hard to overcome.
When I lost my first husband to cancer, his last words to me were to tell me that he was ready to give up his fight and he was ready to die. And although he was sick and in pain, I understood those words to mean that a life with me was no longer worth fighting for. My mind has since told me those thoughts are ludicrous. But my self-esteem didn't really grasp it. Since then, I have driven many a worthy man away by convincing him I am not worthy. The incident with Big Daddy back in December hasn't helped matters. I don't know when it stopped being about this horrible thing he did, and turned into me deserving what I got.
Contemplating this strange turn of events has been eye-opening. And I know that I can start enjoying being with Big Daddy more, at the same time with both eyes open. I don't have to be on "good behavior". I can just be myself, which, surprisingly, is already behaving quite well. Who would have thunk it?
We have not moved back in together. That's not in the cards at this time. I'm not so naive that I would accept his apology and move him back in. That's just ridiculous. Currently, we spend more time apart than together. With him being those 35 miles away, it's not condusive to see each other every day.
When we do get together (every weekend), we spend much of our time with family. We do make it a point to spend one weekend evening completely alone. We've had a great intimate connection and I wouldn't miss it for the world. On the second night of the weekend, we stay with the family, usually completely separate from each other. I think this helps me keep things in prospective, but I don't know.
Today was a little weird. My car is getting completely overhauled (I won't go into the myriad of problems I've had with it) and is in the shop. We made arrangements for us to get together, and those plans fell through. I took it in stride. Shit happens. But Big Daddy was PISSED. I think that was the moment I realized that he missed me as much as, if not more than, I missed him. And upon that realization, I had an epiphany. I am insecure. But why? I thought I was past the feelings of inferiority that I had fought so hard to overcome.
When I lost my first husband to cancer, his last words to me were to tell me that he was ready to give up his fight and he was ready to die. And although he was sick and in pain, I understood those words to mean that a life with me was no longer worth fighting for. My mind has since told me those thoughts are ludicrous. But my self-esteem didn't really grasp it. Since then, I have driven many a worthy man away by convincing him I am not worthy. The incident with Big Daddy back in December hasn't helped matters. I don't know when it stopped being about this horrible thing he did, and turned into me deserving what I got.
Contemplating this strange turn of events has been eye-opening. And I know that I can start enjoying being with Big Daddy more, at the same time with both eyes open. I don't have to be on "good behavior". I can just be myself, which, surprisingly, is already behaving quite well. Who would have thunk it?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Too Much of a Good Thing?
Last weekend, XBD came to visit me for a long weekend. We had been talking regularly and despite being guarded, I wanted to spend some more time with him HERE, the place we had once called "our place". Who knew the weekend would be so eventful?
I had taken Friday off so I was home all day. We hadn't planned on him coming out until Friday evening. He called me mid-morning and we talked about him coming earlier so we could spend more time together. His cousin and a friend drove him out and we sat around talking for a while. The four of us then headed to a little local dive bar. We shared two pitchers of beer and decided to go get some food. We took off and, crap, got pulled over by the cops in my little one-horse town. It seems the friend had thrown a cigarette butt out the window. They pulled XBD out of the car and asked him where he was from. XBD told him and they asked him what he was doing in this area. He pointed to me and said they were visiting me. The officer proceeded to put XBD in the back of his car. He then pulled out his cousin, and then the friend. He frisked them, checked their licenses and questioned them all. He then came over and talked to me, asking me who they are. I told them who they all were to me, and he asked me if I had lived in that area all my life. I told him no, I had just moved there from the city, where I had lived for over a decade. He never once asked to see my license, or any sort of identification.
He asked me if I was okay to drive and I told him I was fine. He made XBD's cousin and friend get back in the car with me and had us follow him to the police station, where he gave XBD a breathalizer test. We assume he passed, because then the officer came out and said he was taking him to the local hospital where they would give him a blood test. He told us XBD would call us and we could pick him up from the hospital. We went back to the house and sat tight. When XBD did call about an hour or so later, he asked us to pick him up from the police station. We thought this was weird, but we headed out. As soon as I pulled off our street, the police were waiting to follow me there. I pulled in to the police station and went in to pick up XBD. I slowly realized that they didn't have me pick him up from the hospital because it's not in their municipality and they wouldn't be able to follow me. I think they really just wanted to verify that I lived where I said I did, but who knows?
Once we got out of the police station, we went back to our original plans of getting food. We also had several pitchers of beer before heading home. XBD and I insisted that the cousin and friend stay at our place but the friend insisted otherwise and they left after midnight. XBD and I were nervous about this, but they left anyway. Thank heavens, they made it home okay.
We woke up Saturday and had some intimate time together. It was.... different. In a good way. I don't like going into details like that, so I won't. But let's just say I was very much satisfied, but I wanted more. I knew we would be together for a couple more days so I didn't sweat it.
On Sunday, I got to drive in slippery snow for the first time. It was horrifying but XBD helped me through it. Yes, I've lived in Pittsburgh since 1996, but I had managed to NEVER drive in snow the whole time. When I told XBD that it was my first time driving in it, he was surprised I didn't panic more than I did. Having lived in L.A. for so many years, driving comes naturally to me, but so does knowing where I am and where I'm going. I know L.A. like the back of my hand, but the Pittsburgh area has always baffled me.
Later that day, we watched the Steelers win the AFC championship. In the last four minutes of the game, the Ravens offense took the field. XBD had worn down his fingernails biting them and he was uber-nervous. I calmly looked at him and said, "Flacco hasn't been on the field in over half an hour, he's cold, he's throwing an interception and Polamalu is getting it". Next thing we know, that's exactly what happened. We were screaming and jumping and hugging each other. I called everything but the touchdown. Our cell phones started ringing off the hook; his calls came from his family in Florida, mine came from my family in L.A.
Monday was a holiday and I was off work. We spent the day inside, cuddling in the recliner watching TV. We didn't seem to be on the same page intimately and I guess we crossed signals somewhere. Basically, I think we both wanted it but neither was inclined to ask for it.
Monday night, I got a call from the brother of my first husband, who died of cancer back in early 1991. I have remained close to the family and he called me to ask me to come back to L.A. for a memorial service in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Folks, he's been gone for 18 years and they've never had a memorial service for him. There was no way I could get time off in that short of time, having just gotten a promotion. The weeks before the anniversary of his death is always a hard time for me emotionally. I'm typically very melancholy, angry and in tears much of the time, even with the passing of time. This made things even worse for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to make the memorial for him. By the end of my phone conversation, I was a blubbering mess, unable to speak or do anything more than sob. XBD was very understanding, and held me and tried to comfort me.
He stayed home and caulked roomies tub on Tuesday while I went to work. I knew he was planning on going to his son's basketball game that night. He headed out late that afternoon. I told him I wouldn't see him the following weekend because I wanted to give him some time to bond with his son. He told me he'd give me a call after the game.
After this long weekend, I was feeling disconnected again. Despite the intimacy, the cuddling, the time we spent together, I was feeling "some kind of way". I was pissed at him and I didn't know why. It could have been because the anniversary of my entry into widowhood was coming, I don't know. I decided I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Apparently, he felt the same way. He never called me.
I had taken Friday off so I was home all day. We hadn't planned on him coming out until Friday evening. He called me mid-morning and we talked about him coming earlier so we could spend more time together. His cousin and a friend drove him out and we sat around talking for a while. The four of us then headed to a little local dive bar. We shared two pitchers of beer and decided to go get some food. We took off and, crap, got pulled over by the cops in my little one-horse town. It seems the friend had thrown a cigarette butt out the window. They pulled XBD out of the car and asked him where he was from. XBD told him and they asked him what he was doing in this area. He pointed to me and said they were visiting me. The officer proceeded to put XBD in the back of his car. He then pulled out his cousin, and then the friend. He frisked them, checked their licenses and questioned them all. He then came over and talked to me, asking me who they are. I told them who they all were to me, and he asked me if I had lived in that area all my life. I told him no, I had just moved there from the city, where I had lived for over a decade. He never once asked to see my license, or any sort of identification.
He asked me if I was okay to drive and I told him I was fine. He made XBD's cousin and friend get back in the car with me and had us follow him to the police station, where he gave XBD a breathalizer test. We assume he passed, because then the officer came out and said he was taking him to the local hospital where they would give him a blood test. He told us XBD would call us and we could pick him up from the hospital. We went back to the house and sat tight. When XBD did call about an hour or so later, he asked us to pick him up from the police station. We thought this was weird, but we headed out. As soon as I pulled off our street, the police were waiting to follow me there. I pulled in to the police station and went in to pick up XBD. I slowly realized that they didn't have me pick him up from the hospital because it's not in their municipality and they wouldn't be able to follow me. I think they really just wanted to verify that I lived where I said I did, but who knows?
Once we got out of the police station, we went back to our original plans of getting food. We also had several pitchers of beer before heading home. XBD and I insisted that the cousin and friend stay at our place but the friend insisted otherwise and they left after midnight. XBD and I were nervous about this, but they left anyway. Thank heavens, they made it home okay.
We woke up Saturday and had some intimate time together. It was.... different. In a good way. I don't like going into details like that, so I won't. But let's just say I was very much satisfied, but I wanted more. I knew we would be together for a couple more days so I didn't sweat it.
On Sunday, I got to drive in slippery snow for the first time. It was horrifying but XBD helped me through it. Yes, I've lived in Pittsburgh since 1996, but I had managed to NEVER drive in snow the whole time. When I told XBD that it was my first time driving in it, he was surprised I didn't panic more than I did. Having lived in L.A. for so many years, driving comes naturally to me, but so does knowing where I am and where I'm going. I know L.A. like the back of my hand, but the Pittsburgh area has always baffled me.
Later that day, we watched the Steelers win the AFC championship. In the last four minutes of the game, the Ravens offense took the field. XBD had worn down his fingernails biting them and he was uber-nervous. I calmly looked at him and said, "Flacco hasn't been on the field in over half an hour, he's cold, he's throwing an interception and Polamalu is getting it". Next thing we know, that's exactly what happened. We were screaming and jumping and hugging each other. I called everything but the touchdown. Our cell phones started ringing off the hook; his calls came from his family in Florida, mine came from my family in L.A.
Monday was a holiday and I was off work. We spent the day inside, cuddling in the recliner watching TV. We didn't seem to be on the same page intimately and I guess we crossed signals somewhere. Basically, I think we both wanted it but neither was inclined to ask for it.
Monday night, I got a call from the brother of my first husband, who died of cancer back in early 1991. I have remained close to the family and he called me to ask me to come back to L.A. for a memorial service in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Folks, he's been gone for 18 years and they've never had a memorial service for him. There was no way I could get time off in that short of time, having just gotten a promotion. The weeks before the anniversary of his death is always a hard time for me emotionally. I'm typically very melancholy, angry and in tears much of the time, even with the passing of time. This made things even worse for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to make the memorial for him. By the end of my phone conversation, I was a blubbering mess, unable to speak or do anything more than sob. XBD was very understanding, and held me and tried to comfort me.
He stayed home and caulked roomies tub on Tuesday while I went to work. I knew he was planning on going to his son's basketball game that night. He headed out late that afternoon. I told him I wouldn't see him the following weekend because I wanted to give him some time to bond with his son. He told me he'd give me a call after the game.
After this long weekend, I was feeling disconnected again. Despite the intimacy, the cuddling, the time we spent together, I was feeling "some kind of way". I was pissed at him and I didn't know why. It could have been because the anniversary of my entry into widowhood was coming, I don't know. I decided I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Apparently, he felt the same way. He never called me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Life in the Slow Lane
Ah love..... such a wonderful emotion, the anticipation of seeing that special someone..... oh who am I kidding? Love can be tricky sometimes.
I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.
On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.
Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.
Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.
I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.
I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.
On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.
Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.
Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.
I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.
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