Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

Wow, so much has happened since my last blog. I had called XBD the Sunday morning after he had been with the other girl and told him I was bowing out gracefully. He accepted it without question, as is typical for him. I then took the pregnancy test about 15 minutes after the call. My theory was that it would be entirely too early in the game to read a positive, and if he ever questioned me about it, I would be able to show him the test and say, "See... not pregnant!" Well, that's not what was in the cards for me. The test came up positive. I sat there in shock. Because I literally would have only been 9 days pregnant.

I immediately go upstairs, stand in front of roomie and say, "I'm pregnant" and burst into tears. We sit there and hug and cry and she tried her best to console me. I didn't know what to do. XBD had already told me that if I were pregnant, he wanted me to keep it. But with my recent health problems, us breaking up, and his track-record, it just didn't seem too smart to keep it. I didn't even want to tell him, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I called him and left him a voice mail. I know, it was a real punk-ass, chicken-shit move on my part. But I knew I'd only be able to say it once and that was it. He called me later and I was still crying and upset. We agreed that talking about it in person was probably a better idea. We made plans to get together the following weekend.

We got together and hemmed and hawed about what we would do. Of course, he wanted me to keep it, and I'm not pro-abortion in any way. But I couldn't see myself raising a child alone at this time of my life. I told him as much. He promised he would be there, but I didn't believe him. He has other children who grew up without him around. I didn't want my child to go through that. My kids lost their father to cancer and that was hard enough. I didn't want this one to lose his father because he just didn't feel like being there. But I knew he's really been making an effort with his kids now, and now his grandchildren, so it was possible he was being sincere. We decided to try again, for the sake of the baby.

And his attitude changed. He didn't leave my side. He stayed with me and took care of me. He watched what I was eating, made sure I ate enough, just did everything he could to make sure I was okay. Then, three weeks ago, I lost the baby. I knew it was going to happen because I'd been cramping and having back pains all day. I lost it in the ER, and they immediately gave me a D&C. It was horrible, I was awake, and it was one of the worst moments of my life.

For those 10 weeks that I was pregnant, I saw a different XBD. He was caring, loving, just so devoted. When I lost the baby, I assumed things would be over. We both openly admitted to only being together for the baby and with the baby gone, I assumed things would be over. He didn't call me for several days after. Then a few more days after that. We spent some time together last week, when he came up to my place for a few days. Since then, he's been calling regularly, telling me he loves me, etc. We're still talking now, but it's different.

Folks, I don't know how I feel about him. I love him. But I'm so numb right now. Alot of people say this is normal behavior after a miscarriage. But knowing that we both said we were only getting back together for the baby, I don't even know what I want to do. I enjoy being with him. He makes me laugh, he's entertaining and he's still completely devoted. But with the knowledge I've gained about him throughout this past year, I'm not sure what I want.

Whenever I think I'm untangling myself, another knot forms.