Middle of the End?

I consider my Blind-Sided posts to be the beginning of the end for me and ex-Big Daddy (XBD). I can only assume that what's happening now is the middle of the end.

I don't know what causes me to be drawn so heavily to XBD. I think he made me feel so good that I didn't want to give that up. Even after he made me feel so bad. Whatever the case may be, I spent a few days over Christmas with him. A friend of mine was going to NYC for the holidays to see her family and she let me stay at her apartment in the city. XBD and I had been talking and were both going to be alone. Since we had planned on spending the holiday together anyway, we talked about getting together.

As the days led up to Christmas, I got this uneasy feeling about us getting together. I wasn't uneasy about being with him, I was uneasy that he would cancel and I would truly be stuck alone. On Christmas Eve, I hadn't talked to him in two days and I was sick to my stomach. Eating wasn't even possible. He finally called me and we made plans to meet. I packed up some of his clothes in a bag and met him locally.

We drove into the city and stayed at my friend's apartment. It was a rough Christmas. We just couldn't get on the same page emotionally. I was trying to just enjoy our time together, and not think about the past. I made the choice to be with him because I still love him, not to be a bitch. He was stand-offish because I think he was expecting me to be a bitch.

The days passed and we managed to get on track. We agreed that we love each other, but living together isn't possible right now. He talked about paying me back and getting his life in order. We hugged, kissed and I knew I was stupid for doing it. I couldn't help it. I loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know why.

Saturday we headed out of the city to take him home. We agreed that we could stay at the little local motel there. We never made it there. We stopped for a drink and he ran into a friend. The friend said some things that didn't sit right with me. I won't go into it, but it made me question XBD's love for me. The friend insisted that he loves me, but I wasn't buying it. XBD took his bag out of my trunk and walked off. As I started to drive away, I rationalized that I was letting something that someone else said come between us. I stopped and waved him over. He started walking toward me when another friend pulled up and called out to him. He went over to that friend and got in the car. I turned around and started driving home. This was a symbol of so many aspects of our relationship.

He texted me several times, asking me how the car was running. He told me he loved me, but didn't want me to bitch at him. I told him I had no plans to bitch at him. But he wouldn't call me. He refused. I left him a couple messages. I begged him to tell me to turn around and come back to him. But he never did. I knew he had checked the messages. And then all contact ceased. No texts, calls, anything. And I wondered why I was paying the phone bill. So I sent him a text asking him to call me by a certain time. Of course, he didn't.

I started thinking about why I loved him. He wasn't being attentive. Maybe I was being a little crazy, but we had JUST talked that morning about how we wanted to be together. He wasn't making me feel good about myself, it was quite the contrary. Our sex life had suffered in the past month as well. I had just gotten my replacement ATM card and I had spent almost all my money on him... again. WHY?

So I sent him another text telling him to talk to his pregnant daughter and give her another way to get ahold of him when it was time for the baby. Then I called the cell phone company and had the phone shut off. I had a brief moment of panic when I tried to figure out how I would ever talk to him again. Then I realized that was the whole point. I knew he'd just drain me emotionally and financially. I knew I had to get my self esteem back and it wouldn't happen with him in the picture.

I don't know what will happen with Big Daddy. I don't know if he'll move back south to his family. He told me over the past few days that he wouldn't, but he told me alot of things that never came to pass. I'm not bitter at all. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I love him like crazy, but it's just not healthy anymore. The game was too fast and the stakes were too high for me. There were things about him to which I turned a blind eye. He had a drinking problem and I drank too much when I was with him. He rarely worked so I was pretty much supporting him. We were always running here and there. When we lived together, we had many relaxing nights together, but that was never really his style. He was always moving and I was probably bringing him down. Although we're the same age, I wanted to live a quiet uneventful life and that wasn't in the cards for him. There was always some sort of anxiety around being with him. I lost alot of weight because I could rarely eat. I think it will be better (for him and me) if I pull myself off the field and just cheer on the sidelines. I need to rest, catch my breath, and sit this one out.

But I'll miss that passionate love we shared. Looks like another love TKO.

Blind-Sided Part 3

A very good friend recently texted me "Your life is a soap opera". And lately, that's been very true.

Just to bring you up to date, I did finally get roomie's car. It was pretty traumatic though. We had to ask a crapload of our friends to take me over there to get it. You see, roomie had just gotten surgery, and my car was still at the shop. We had no choice but to ask friends. Remember that very good friend up there? He couldn't do it, had some sort of function with his politico father. Most of my other friends live in the city and don't have cars. The rest of them were working. I had to call in sick because I was just overwhelmed by this, and with my medical condition, I was VERY worried about my own health. But roomie did finally find someone to take me to get the car, as I mentioned, about 35 miles away.

Roomie's friend shows up to pick me up, just in time for the mail carrier to drop off a box for XBD, from his mother. We open it and go through it. It's weird stuff.... soup mix, cold medicine, a Steelers scarf, and a Christmas card that says she hopes he and I have a Merry Christmas. It has me tearing up yet again. Surprisingly, it also has a $20 bill in it. I pocket it, and yet still feel bad doing it.

She drives me down there and we stop at FOBD's place of employment to pick up the keys. He is very comforting to me and says he just can't believe it, he never thought XBD would do this to me and my roomie. He tells me he talked to XBD again and I tell him I surprised he came by. FOBD says XBD found a phone charger and, miraculously, it fit his phone. We laugh at his good luck and he gives me the keys, we hug and I leave. Roomie's friend takes me to where the car is parked. It's there. We breathe yet another sigh of relief. I get in, adjust the seat, and get ready to call roomie. I can't call her yet. I'm just overwhelmed at what's happening. Just knowing that XBD's cell phone is on and working makes me want to call him, but I know that I can't. Well, I guess I could have, but I knew it wouldn't matter. I start heaving sobs yet again. I try to drive but have to pull over. I call roomie and tell her I have to compose myself before driving. She understands completely.

I had pulled over in a non-so-convenient place so I drive to FOBD's establishment to talk some more. He's glad I have the car. He breaks down and tells me that although he knows XBD has done this sort of thing before, it was years before and he never thought he'd do it to me, mainly because he knew XBD was very much in love with me. He says he really thought I was good for him and thought maybe he had changed. These words are bittersweet. I learned he really did love me after all, but knowing that also made it hurt even more. I had to leave. But I decided to walk the long way to where the car was parked so I could get another block of air, and to compose myself before getting behind the wheel.

I turned the corner and *BAM* I am about a millimeter short of bumping right into XBD. We had that awkward second of apologizing while trying to see who we just bumped into. When we realized who each other was, we both just burst into tears. Both of us. Standing there on the corner. Sobbing. Neither of us could take it anymore. We hugged and just stood there like that. We walk to the car and get in.

Roomie calls me and I answer. I motion for XBD to get out of the car for a minute. Roomie proceeds to tell me that a good friend of hers, who I have only met twice, has offered to lend me the money to get my car. I am back to sobbing. The outpouring of support from my roomie, despite my boyfriend taking her car, is just too much for me. I'm so very grateful to her, and her friends. We hang up and XBD gets in the car.

We start sobbing again, hugging and trying to talk, but being unable at first. We both know we can't be together anymore. He knows he fucked up good and proper and there's no turning back. We gain some sembelance of composure and he says some interesting things. He tells me that he thought all night and day about our ride to the Park N Ride that morning, when we had to pull over because we were both teary-eyed after declaring our love for each other. This is something that had been on my mind too. He said he remembered saying that all he needed at Christmas was to be with me, and now he doesn't even have that because of his stupidity. He tells me that he wishes he could make time go back so he could make better decisions. And then he tells me, "I know you don't think I love you, but I do. If you believe only one thing I've ever said, please believe that." I do.

People, he looked horrible. He was chewing his fingernails, something he only did when he was in a very uncomfortable position. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his cheek. I tried to smile through my tears and we kissed. I wanted to take him home and let him get a shower and lay on the couch together again, and then crawl into bed with his body wrapped around me. I wanted him to make love to me like he did before. His every touch making me lose my breath, every single time. I loved him so much at that moment that I wished I could make time go back too.

He asked me if there was any chance that we could get back together. I tell him it's too soon to try to think about such things, and he had to know he could never come back to Roomie's house. He says he understands, and he knows my mind is made up. I tell him, "It's not that my mind is made up, it's the way it HAS to be. You ruined it. I wish I could just drive us home together right now, but you ruined it. God I love you so much, but you ruined it." We're back to sobbing again because as much as we were in love, we wouldn't be waking up together every morning.

Folks, I was in a long-term relationship before and the last two years of it were hell due to things he did and I just fell out of love with him. I remember telling him "you ruined it" and being ready to walk away. But this time, telling XBD that he ruined it, but not wanting to walk away was a feeling I didn't understand. I didn't want things to end. I wanted to wake up and make it just be a dream, and he'd be lying beside me telling me everything would be okay. I'm so in love with him, but I have lost all trust in him. I wanted to take him home but I knew that wouldn't be smart. There was a war going on between my heart and my head.

You see, I had sympathy for XBD. I had made some not-so-great decisions in my relationship with him as well. I had slept with someone else and had such regret that it took me days to be able to look at XBD again. I understood his regret, and I knew how sorry he was. I'd done my share of things I regretted but what I did was between me and him, it didn't involve me taking anyone else's property. What I did was something we could work out between us. If it was just the money he took, we might have been able to work it out. But he crossed the line when he took roomie's car. And there was just no turning back.

Since then, we've talked a few times. We still tell each other that we love each other. I'm not going to lie, I still want to be with him. Most people probably wouldn't understand this. Most people would think I'm stupid. Hell, even *I* think I'm stupid. But I know we can't live together right now. Maybe we can take this slow. We talked last night about how we just jumped into this relationship without truly getting to know each other. I suppose the fact that we knew each other in passing, as well as knowing each others' friends, made us think that we knew everything we needed to know. That wasn't the case.

I don't know what the future will be for me and XBD (see, I'm still calling him EX Big Daddy). I'd like to think there is going to be a happy ending for us, but I just don't know.

Blind-Sided, Part 2

The saga with Big Daddy (now XBD) has ended. I called the cell phone company this morning, had the password on his phone reset and started listening to messages. One particular female had called him several times. I called her immediately. I got an answering machine and start talking. I tell her who I am, and who I'm looking for. She picks up and tells me who she is. They shared a child together who died 10 days after he was born, almost 25 years ago to the day today. I knew of her, but I didn't actually know her personally.

I asked this woman if she saw XBD the evening before and she admitted she did. She told me she was with him a little motel in the area. I know of the place, he and I stayed there several times before we moved in together. I didn't ask any particulars of their meeting. She insisted they were not involved, but that didn't matter to me. My priority was to get my roomie's car. I ask her if she knows where it is. She tells me where it's parked.

I call FOBD and tell him what this woman has told me. He immediately gets dressed and goes to see if the car is where she said it was. It was there, not a scratch on it. Thank God. BUT, we still don't have keys to it. The location of the car is in a parking lot directly across from the little motel. FOBD attempts to check to see if XBD is still at the motel, but he doesn't know which room and nobody is answering the bell at the front desk, or their phone. I tell roomie where her car is, and ask what she wants to do. She doesn't want to have it towed, because she still won't have a key to it, and they'll probably charge HER to tow it. We decide to wait to see if we hear from XBD.

FOBD calls me around 7:30am and says XBD has called him. He says XBD claimed to have left the keys to the car, and my ATM card, in his mailbox. He checks and they are both indeed there. He then proceeds to tell XBD that he really fucked up and he MUST call one or both of us to apologize. He explains to him that this is not behavior you should have with people you care about, and who care about you too. Apparently, XBD says nothing in return. FOBD calls me and tells me he has the keys and tells me what transpired. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

At 8:15am, I get a text message from XBD. He apologizes, and asks if he needs to turn himself into the police and says he would call but the battery is almost dead on the phone. I tell him no, roomie just wanted her car back. I then tell him I'm so sad because I really loved him. I tell him I can drop his things off at FOBD's house, and I would appreciate him leaving the keys to the house too, so roomie doesn't have to change all the locks. He responds by apologizing profusely to me again. I tell him again, I love him but I can't be with him anymore, I hope he's well, and tell him I'll be okay. I get no response from him.

Friends, why do people do things like this to good people? I understand there was some substance abuse going on last night. Duh. But he, I and roomie were all living together. Why would he do that to the people who share a roof with him, people he allegedly cared about? I remember sitting with him on the couch, him lying with his head in my lap. I scratched his head while he rubbed my legs. This happened two days prior to him doing all this. We shared those tears the same morning he did all this.

All I can think is that some people have a demon inside of them that comes out sometimes. And it makes them act in a way that they wouldn't normally. I'm not making excuses for him. He did something so very shitty and I am angry. But I knew him. We shared thoughts, dreams, a home. He would come home and put his legs up in the recliner. He would read the paper, wearing the reading glasses that he hated having to admit he needed. Whenever he would see me either undressed or in a partial state of undress, he would say "row!". And what he did last night wasn't the Big Daddy that I lived with. This was another person altogether, apparently hibernating for the past six months.

There's something to be said about the duality of man. I don't know what that something is, but I can attest to the fact that it's there in some people.

Blind-Sided

Nobody really reads my blogs. I'm happy about that. Especially now. Friends, I've been blind-sided. Bamboozled. Taken in by the old Hoboken Hustle. Whatever that means.

It all started this morning when Big Daddy was taking me to the local Park N Ride. This is a morning ritual for us, but a tad bit different today. First of all, we were in our landlord/roommate's car because (see previous post) my car was still in the shop. Secondly, we had to pull over because we both got teary-eyed over something he said. What he said started the blind-siding process. I mentioned to him that Christmas is only a week away. He said, "I don't want you to get me anything for Christmas, just being with you is enough for me". I immediately get teary-eyed, something I rarely do. And he gets teary-eyed and has to pull over because he can't see. Now Big Daddy is a sensitive sort, so he pulls over and we hug, kiss and cry together.

I hand him my debit card so he can take it to the shop to pay for my car. Yes! We'll have wheels for the first time in a week. We make plans for him to pay for the car, then when he picks me up from the Park N Ride in our roomie's car, we'll drive directly to the garage and pick it up.

He moved on to bamboozling when he calls me at 4:15 and says he just left the garage. Excellent. Then he texts me at 5:00 and says he's waiting for me at the Park N Ride. Better. Then texts me again at 5:05 and says he's going to run to the gas station (across street) to go pee. I get to the Park N Ride at 5:15 and no Big Daddy. I wait a few minutes and try to call him. No answer. I guess this is the time I should say that we live a good ways away from the Park N Ride. Really, a GOOD ways away. I find this out THE HARD WAY when I start walking home. On my way home, I call him several times. NO response. I have to call the roomie and see if he's there. He's not. I have to tell her he never picked me up in her car. Shit. I find out THE HARD WAY that it takes about two hours to walk from the Park N Ride to my house, in heels, and freezing weather.

As I'm walking, I get uneasy that him not picking me up might mean he never paid for my car. I call a good friend of his and explain the situation to him. He is livid. Unbeknownst to me, Big Daddy has pulled this sort of thing before. Ahhhh, NOW you tell me. Friend of Big Daddy (FOBD) calls around to see if he can find him. Nothing. Roomie calls me to ask for updates, and to make sure I'm making it home. See, where we live, which is sort of like country living, there are no street lights. I'm wearing a black coat, and brown slacks. Not good. FOBD also calls to check on me walking from time to time, and see if I've heard anything yet.

I walk in the house at 7:30pm, immediately go to the computer and check to see if my debit card has been used at the garage. It hasn't. It HAS been used FIVE times in various amounts about 35 miles away. I immediately report the card stolen and burst into tears. I call FOBD and tell him what happened. I explain to him that I don't care about the money, I just need him to bring my roommate's car back. FOBD understands and says he's been calling around to see if anyone has heard from him. Nobody has. At this point, Big Daddy has been gone with roomie's car for several hours.

Eight o'clock comes and roommie has no other option but to call the police. She doesn't want to, but what else can she do? I don't blame her. The officer comes over and takes her report. I answer all questions posed to me honestly. No, he's never done this before; yes, he's had my debit card many times before and never acted irresponsibly with it; no, I don't think he has a drug problem; yes, I have his cell number and I provide it. Hey, I'm paying the bill and it's in my name, I can give out the number. The officer asks roomie if she really just wants to get her car back. She does. He agrees to put out an APB-type of thing where the cops will just look for her car and if they see it, they'll stop him just to check on his well-being and if he's fine, tell him to just call roomie or me in their presence and then drive the car home. We all agree that's a good way to handle it.

Then he gets the cops with the old Hoboken Hustle. They call his cell number. Someone answers, doesn't say anything, and quickly hangs up. They call back. A female answers, and the cop asks for Big Daddy. She says he's not there, she found his cell phone abandoned at a bar. They ask where. She gives the name and location and says her name is Jennifer. The local cops call the cops where the bar is located. They send out a cruiser to check it out. As they do that, the call goes out and FOBD's father hears it on his police scanner, when they mention Big Daddy's name. FOBD calls his brothers and they immediately go out looking for Big Daddy. So the cops show up at the bar, and ask for Jennifer. Of course, there is nobody there named Jennifer. The phone isn't there either. Roomie's car is nowhere to be found. The cops there call the cops here and explain. The cops here are mad now. They're being fucked with, and they know it. They immediately up the well-being-check to a full-out warrant.

It's now 1:30am and no word from Big Daddy. His cell phone is my old one, so I know the battery is probably good and dead now. Anytime I've tried to call, it goes directly to voice mail. I don't care about the money, I care about my roommate's car. She needs it. She paid for it. It's hers.

People, I'm a pretty smart cookie. I can usually read people pretty well. But this man got me pretty good. He got me for a few hundred dollars, which is small potatoes compared to him getting my heart. When we first got together, he once told me, "you can fuck with my head all day long, but please don't fuck with my heart". I never thought he'd do it to me. I remember the times we talked all night long about our feelings for each other. I'd overheard him tell others how he fell in love and just couldn't go home. But mostly, I remember that last drive to the Park N Ride, where we had to pull over because we were both teary-eyed after declaring our love for each other.

He got my heart, and he threw it out the window like a cigarette butt when it's reached the filter. He took my trust in him and dropped it off like old clothes at the donation bin. Then he drove off, finished with the nicotine and glad someone else can use the hand-me-downs. I can't imagine he'd think he can actually come back here to live with me at this point.

Friends, this was a shock to me. I'm sad, disappointed, mad, and confused. I don't know what I'll say to him when he picks up his things. Sometimes I think I'd like to know if he ever loved me, but I know that doesn't matter. What matters is that I loved him. And I'm broken hearted.

Sabotage!

Friends, have you ever had that moment where you realize how ridiculous you've been acting? I came across that moment last night. More on that later.

I have a very good friend who got dumped by the man she intended to marry. She had been acting a little crazy and that's probably why he broke things off with him. Apparently, he had been very attentive to her in the beginning. But as time went by, he would occassionally let her calls go to voice mail, ignore texts and wouldn't always return her calls. This drove her batty. When it would happen, she would call him four, five, 10 more times at various numbers. Now I would have learned at call three that I needed to leave a message and call it a day. Not this friend! She was relentless. He never told her why he dumped her, but I assumed it was her stalker behavior. She had unwittingly sabotaged her own relationship.

She recently left me a voice mail message saying, "I'm calling you because I don't want to call him. But I just want to know WHY he broke things off... and I want to know WHY he didn't call me and tell me, he just sent an e-mail..." I proceeded to let her know that he didn't call her and break things off because he's a punk ass. However, WHY he broke things off is irrelevent at this point. All she needs to know now is that he doesn't feel she's the girl for him. If she knew, would she change? Is it appropriate for her to change? If so, why? Shouldn't he love her for HER? I told her to quit crying over someone that doesn't want her. Someone is waiting for her right now. Why is she keeping him waiting while she pines over this guy? Truer words were never spoken.

Then came yesterday. I was having car issues and was REALLY angry, and pretty much blaming it all on Big Daddy. Apparently, it hit home for him; I was ruthless and he must have really wanted to get away. He said he was leaving for the night because he's working in the morning and it's kinda far away, but I'm sure it was mainly that he was tired of hearing my mouth. It was a split decision for him to leave and, I'll be honest, it put me out a little. If he would have left maybe a couple hours later, it would have been better all the way around. But, he had made his mind up and I was livid. He was gone before I would have gotten home from work. I tried to call him several times and text him. Nothing.

So when a friend called asking me to go drinking, I was more than willing to imbibe. The beers were flowing like the Point State Park fountain. And the more they flowed, the more convinced I became that Big Daddy was gone. For good. I hadn't called him since late afternoon, so I tried to call him, but got his voice mail. I didn't bother. I tell my friend that I'm pretty sure I've been dumped. Since Big Daddy and I share a phone plan that's in my name, I imagine that he's gone and left the phone, which is why he wasn't answering. My mind's eye saw the phone sitting somewhere in the house, just ringing. I went over the events of the day and realized I had sabotaged my own relationship.

Remember those true words up there? Well, they sunk in. And I came to accept the fact that he left, and I didn't blame him. I'm not the easiest person to live with, I'm particular and generally want things done a certain way. I'm also a real grouch in the morning. I had effectively and efficiently ran him out of my life. I got home and was literally afraid to enter. I knew how lonely I'd feel without his things around me. I knew I'd fucked up good and proper and he deserved better. I opened the door... and all of his things were still there. I opened a couple drawers and his clothes were neatly folded and in order. The picture of him and his mom was sitting on his dresser. If he was gone, he would have taken it with him. That woman is his life.

I couldn't help but be glad that I managed to score myself a do-over! Or is it merely a temporary stay of execution? If it is a do-over, he must REALLY love me. And I'm going to REALLY try not to fuck up the do-over. But that may be wishful thinking. It's been 24 hours with no word from him. The execution may be scheduled at a time more convenient for him to come pick up his things.

Whatever the case may be, I'll be okay. If he comes home to stay, I'll know I dodged a bullet and try to bite my tongue more often. If he leaves, I'll be sad (VERY sad), but I'll also have learned something the hard way. Again.

Love's a Bitch

Folks, why does love have to be so stressful sometimes? I was under the impression that love should be one of those beautiful, EASY things that just happened without a care in the world. Actually, that probably IS what happens when you're young and unaffected by all the other bullshit that happens with love between the ages of 18 and 35.

When you're a grown ass person, well, life experiences get in the way. Remember the guy who said you had a big ass in your freshman year of high school? Well chances are, this guy 20 years later will pay the price for it. Remember the guy who stole your jewelry and cleaned out your bank account? Guess what? You're still hiding your money and valuables from the poor innocent schmuck who's with you now. Remember the guy who slept with your best friend/sister/other relevent female? Chances are, you're looking at your current Mr. Wonderful to see if you can catch him making googly eyes at your 80 year old grandma.

Is there a way to stop this nonsense? Probably not. These are lessons we learn in life. One of my favorite phrases is, "you just learned that the hard way". I say it ALOT. When you learn a valuable lesson by going through a particularly bad experience, you just learned something the hard way. The easy way would be by someone sharing their knowledge with you. Learning the hard way usually involves having something really bad happen to you in the meantime (really bad is a relative term, but you catch my drift).

You're probably reading into this and wondering if my love life with Big Daddy on the rocks. Who knows really? Is he lying? Is he telling the truth? Is there a reason I should be wondering whether he's being truthful or not?

Guess what friends? I'm vulnerable. And I don't like it. I'm smart enough to know that with all that I've been through in life, I'm going to be gun-shy. But I'm also hopeful enough to know that if I want love in my life, I have to throw caution to the wind and just let it happen. But throwing said caution also means you leave yourself wide open to be labeled a big ass, have your shit stolen and have him fuck someone important to you.

So, when I learned those things the hard way, how well did I learn that lesson? Did it stick with me like the pythagorean theorum? Or is it like the axis points of a parabola, that I have to study again before I really "get it"?

Yes, folks, love is a bitch.

Could This Be THE ONE?

Oh dear, my precious readers. Did I find THE ONE? You know what I mean, THE one. The one and only. It's almost scary to think about. At my advanced age, I never thought I would find the one. I mean, I found him once and he left this earth at a tender age. I don't think I ever believed there was another one out there for me. Oh sure, I continued to search, date, have fun. I never thought I would find HIM.

Truth be told, I found him seven years ago. But he wasn't the one back then. He was just some guy that my best friend told me to stay away from (really!), telling me he was bad news, a womanizer, what-have-you. And being my best friend, I knew she had my best interests at heart. Oh sure, he had been around. I could tell that just by looking at him. He'd been ridden hard and put away wet. Several times. Who was I to judge though? I'd been around the block a couple times too. I let it go, and didn't think twice.

Then came summer. Remember my post about summer love? Keep that in the back of your mind.

So I saw him again, at the same annual party I saw him at seven years ago (I missed the years in between). But this time, my friend encouraged me to talk to him. Not because he was any better news for me, but because she wanted something out of him and he already knew SHE didn't like him. So there it was. I chatted him up a bit. Got a feel for what kind of person he was. Folks, he's out there. WAY out there. Life of the party. Every woman wanted him. We drank, we danced. What can I say, I invited the party to my room. And never, ever, EVER had I been made to feel so good. Wow, I could see why women went to crazy over him. Hell, I was ready to go crazy. But you know me friends, I'm calm, cool, collected. After all, he doesn't live here. He lives down south (yes, down there too, but really, like in the southern states).

Okay Lady, don't get too swept away. No problem. I have my shit together. The next day we had some sober time and we started talking. Wow. He's not wild and crazy after all. He's a gentle soul. Who knew? I surely didn't. I liked him. He bared his soul to me and I caressed it like I cared. And it scared me. But we exchanged numbers anyway and *gasp* I called him first.

I saw him a week later briefly at the aforementioned friend's house. Nothing too much went on, just socializing. No feeling good. Damn. But I got a nice kiss out of the deal.

We agree to get together again the evening before he flew home. A couple snags in the plans, but we end up together. I didn't know it was humanly possible, but he took me to new heights of ecstasy. By the dawn of a new day, he was Big Daddy. Seriously folks, and I don't use stupid terms like that. But there is no other name for him. Big Daddy it was. And he never made it to the plane.

We've been together every weekend since. People are amazed to see him (and ME!) with the same person week after week. We can't keep our hands off each other. We talk incessantly. We laugh, we kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle, we.... dare I say it..... LOVE. Folks, it's a beautiful thing. The scariest moment came this past weekend when I actually responded to something he never even said. We were sitting together in a restaurant and saw something transpire between two people and I immediately said, "don't do it.....". He looked at me incredulously, trying to figure out how I knew what he was thinking. How the hell did I know? I had no idea how I knew what he was thinking. I just did. I FELT it.

Remember the Summer Lovin blog? Well, that gentleman got in touch with me last week. I agreed to see him. He walked in while I was having drinks with my Aren't We Friends blog. We're all chummy, having a good time. Me and Summer Lovin decide to go to his place. Folks, I couldn't do it. I had to leave. Big Daddy was on my mind, and I realized that I didn't need anyone else.

I tell Big Daddy about what happened. He wasn't happy that I agreed to meet Summer Lovin, but he was happy I stopped when I did. He said, "that's it, you're mine and I'm yours". I couldn't have said it better myself.

We recently talked about moving in together. I mean, he can't be a guest in his friend's house forever, right? Can I be..... oh man.... settling down?

Next Stop, the Friend Zone

Remember my co-worker for my first blog ever? Well, we're still friends. And actually, good friends. I knew we had officially morphed into friends when he sent me a text around 4:00 on Friday asking me if I wanted to go to Happy Hour. Actually, the events surrounding the text message are what clued me in. My response to his invite? "Absolutely. Where?" He proceeds to tell me it's a charity thing at a fancy downtown steakhouse.

Oh wow, THE fancy steakhouse downtown. I'm in. I had never been there before. So he tells me it's from 5-7. Crap, I don't get off work until 6. I leave early and we meet plan to meet at said fancy steakhouse. We run into each other on the way there and he's dressed nicer than I normlly see him dressed.

We go in and commence to having free cocktails (free to me, he paid for this soiree). We grab some chairs and start bullshitting, our favorite past-time when we're hanging out. They bring around plates of appetizers and he starts with a mini-burger. Then they come by with mini-steaksandwiches. I tell him to take one; I can tell he doesn't want to look like a pig so I want him to know I don't care if he makes a pig out of himself in front of me. I put my plate out so he can put the sandwich on it without making himself look like the glutton. He laughs and says, "I'm so glad I can be myself around you." People, I actually felt bad for him. He and I can't be an item because we want different things in life, but we enjoy spending time together and can relax with each other with no pressure. That lightbulb went on above my head and even more lights made up my visual Welcome to the Friend Zone! marquee sign.

We're having a good time laughing and people watching. He starts chatting with the hosts, and they know of him (he's politically connected). Turns out they're having a drawing for a $200 shot of Louis XIII cognac. We're in. We both make donations to be put in the drawing. When I put in my donation, I gave them his name. I wanted him to win, even though he kept saying if he won, he was going to make me do the shot. I couldn't let him get away with that and when they called out his name, we laughed and he proudly walked up alone to claim his prize. I hung back while they announced his name and he said a few words. Once he had a sip, I joined him and had a sip. Wow, I never knew cognac could go down without burning my throat.

Having a good friend isn't such a bad thing. Our relationship started a little rocky. But now I know he feels like he can be himself around me, I'd rather be a friend and let him be himself than be a girl who he's trying to impress. I like him as himself.

Old Lovers and Friends

What to do, what to do? You have a good-looking man wanting you, and you want him. But you have a past with him. A torrid past. You once shared hot, steamy sex a la Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange in the Postman Always Rings Twice. Yes, that hot.

But you stopped having that steamy sex and you became friends. Not just friends, but trusted friends. You talk. You share problems with careers, other relationships, your respective families and friends. Your friendship never even veers anywhere toward that steam you once shared. It's reliable, fun, and very comforting.

But this is now. And many years later. You're older and so is he. You remember what things were like before between you two. Your mind vaguely flashes on why you're not still having that hot, steamy sex but you can't focus on it. All you can focus on is the tension you're feeling in certain places and the way he's looking at you, and the words he's saying. You focus on his lips, saying those words. You remember those lips and what they did to you before.

You test out the waters by dipping a toe in the jacuzzi of lust. It's hot and steamy, just like you remember, and you want to just immerse yourself. You try to slowly guide yourself into the swirling waters but you can't go slow. You throw your body into it. Next thing you know, you're panting, sweating and loving every minute of the warmth surrounding your body.

Oh people, the physical part was just as I remembered it, but with a greater urgency. We knew every inch of each others' bodies and traveled them like a favorite path. There was familiarity and caring, mixed with unadulterated lust. We couldn't get enough of each other. It was young lust with adult knowledge. When it was over, it was tough to pull away from each other.

Was this a one-time thing? Or will we have moments like this again in the future? I'm not sure. But the memory of that encounter won't leave me for a long time to come. I catch myself thinking about that one encounter more than the many encounters we shared in the past and, like a favorite recipe, I can't wait to try it again.

A Nice Hot Meal

People, why do we sometimes pursue the most inappropriate person in our hunger for companionship?

I found myself becoming attracted to someone who is totally wrong for me, and for all the wrong reasons. I suppose I was feeling a little bored (bored=lonely) and he just came along at the right time. Like the innocent gazelle when the lioness is on the hunt. He was sweet, nice, simple. He had been hurt and was still on the mend. He was young and vulnerable. I wasn't. He was fresh meat and my lioness was was famished.

His first sign of weakness came just by being his nice sweet self. Normally, this would be an ideal, but in this situation, it was a no-no. I saw the vulnerability and pounced. He didn't fight. The gazelle rarely does; they accept their fate and succumb. Let's face it, it wasn't much of a chase. Sometimes lions will play with their pray momentarily before they feast. Not in this case. He was overpowered from the start and the feast was immediate and satisfying. I left the carcass to be finished by scavangers and went on my way.

I don't know why I behaved in such a way. He's a great guy. And he would make someone a great boyfriend, but he's not exactly what I'm looking for in a mate. We're polar opposites and whoever made up that crap about opposites attracting was only referring to magnets, not people. Sometimes when I'm missing my hometown of L.A. and my mother's cooking, I'll try to duplicate what she makes, but I can never totally duplicate it since I never know her secret ingredients. I was missing L.A. and he was my attempt at my mom's lasagna. Not the same, but it'll do the trick and make me feel better. I have no idea how he would feel about being the equivalent to lasagna for me, but he didn't seem to mind too much. Most likely, he knew there was nothing long-term between us and took it for what it was.

I see him now and it's a smile and a wave. Who knows, I might be hungry again someday.

Summer Lovin'

Ah, here we are, in the good ole summertime. Clothes get skimpier, I get more disturbed that my arms aren't as toned as I'd like them (I said arms, but you can really put any random body part in there). And in the midst of this new summer season, I think back to last summer and my summer fling.

Ah folks, he was a doozy. We had met on *gasp* the internet. Not as a love interest or anything, but an ad I put out asking for FRIENDS ONLY. Despite the fact that I clearly pointed out I wanted to just meet friends, I had gotten responses from men who, after I once again stated I just wanted to be friends, would ask why I wasn't interested in them romantically. I was pretty gun-shy. Plus, I was coming out of a bad relationship and didn't need the drama. This guy answered my ad. He was really nice. We emailed occassionally and he actually seemed normal. The best part of the whole thing was that he had been through some of the same things I had been through with my ex, but actually on the other end. It was nice to get both sides of the coin.

Slowly, after some months time, our talk turned affectionate. Not sexual, mind you, but affectionate. We agreed to meet. I showed up, he didn't (he called). We made plans again, he cancelled. I didn't really mind so much, we were just going to be friends anyway. One night we were talking on the phone and I told him I was going to go out and get a drink. He asked me who I was going with, I said nobody, I just felt like relaxing and doing some people-watching. He ended up meeting me, and the funny thing is, I walked into the bar and sat right next to him, without realizing it was him. We talked all evening and went back to his place and got a little intimate.

I don't want you to think I'm going to bash him, because I don't want to do that. He was a very nice guy, but he had absolutely no social skills outside of emails, IMs, texts and phone calls. Face to face was a chore with him. There was a difference in our ages, and he had a hard time with it. I can dig it, I'm not going to be wanting to get married and have babies, and he was. So although he really liked me, we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. I kept telling him it was okay, let's just have fun until it's time to move on. He would continue to call me, but after sleeping with me, would tell me it was over. This went on throughout the summer. I tried to understand where he was coming from, after all, I certainly understood the dilemma. I would no sooner want to take him off the market knowing that getting married and having kids was something he wanted. The summer was over and so were we.

Then came May. The text messages started all over again. Then the calls. I told him I hadn't gotten any younger since last year. He laughed. We talked and texted on a weekly basis. It was always sexual in nature, but peppered with questions about my well-being. It seemed different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was different this time. We made no plans to meet. We just talked. Relived the past affair, but never attempted to take it to the next step.

Last week, I found out why. Turns out we had both recently gone through another similar situation, but this time, we were both on the same side. We had both had a family suffer from the same malady. I had told him about my family member in a rare winter talk. He finally broke down and told me about his family member just this past week. And asked me alot of questions about how to deal. We talked and talked and talked.

We've been talking alot ever since. I'm not sure where things are going to go. He seems to have grown up alot in the past year, but that doesn't change what he wants in life, and what I don't want in life. Will we "hook up" again? I have no idea. There's still an attraction there, but do I really want to live last summer all over again? Not likely.

But then again, it's summertime. And the possibilities are endless.

Aren't we Friends?

So there we were, me and this co-worker who I had been hot after for a while. Looking back, I don't know why. He's a nice guy, that's not the issue. But he wasn't really my type, sotospeak. But we had this flirtation that I must have let go to my head, like champagne on an empty stomach. I initiated the whole thing, I'll admit that. I told him I was interested and he never said he wasn't.

We had even been out together a couple of times. It became evident that things weren't going to move in any direction at the speed of light. Okay, this is something that's going to be an effort. Do I feel like making an effort? Eh, why not. There was a whole lot of texting. Readers, I mean a WHOLE lot, all day, every day. Then phone calls. At least once a day. At least. And not just on my part either. One of us would call the other every day.

My dear readers, this went on for months... MONTHS! So I realize that "he's just not that into me". Okay, I liked him but it wasn't going to crush me that we weren't going to be an item. I surely didn't want to lose this great guy as a friend. We had "the talk". The "let's just be friends" talk. You know the one. Chances are, you've been on the giving or receiving end of "the talk". Either way, it's never fun. But that's okay, I'm a big girl. I know I'm not every guy's ideal. But we got along great. And "the talk" didn't stop the phone calls and texts. We had clearly moved into the friendzone. Not a bad place to be, we can all use another friend. And as a friend, he actually was a great friend. Was there to talk to, would ask me for advice, just your basic good friend.

Subsequent to "the talk", maybe two weeks later, I told him, "I really have to quit talking to you so much. I need to start spending more time with guys that are actually into me". I'm a red-blooded American woman people, I need a little lovin, touchin, squeezin! And if he's not going to give it to me, I will still be his friend, but I really need to spend more time with guys that want to love, touch and squeeze me. It doesn't take a phD to figure that out.

So yesterday less than a week after the above conversation, he texts me, "what are you doing?" I respond, "going to happy hour". Short story even shorter, he asks me if he can join me, I say sure why not, he shows up. We're going beer for beer. We eat dinner. The evening appears to be wrapping up and he says, "I think you're obsessed with me" with a straight face. WHAT? Did he really say that? Now folks, I have a very good friend who I tell my secrets to. I had told this friend three weeks prior, when this guy and I first said we were just friends, that I would no longer initiate any conversation with this guy, because I wanted to make it clear that I was clear that we were just friends. And I had stuck with it all but one time, when I had been having a bad day and wanted to vent. And now I'm obsessed? For lack of better words, dear readers, what the fuck? If he REALLY felt that I was obsessed with him, why would he invite himself to join me for happy hour?

He says part of the reason why I'm obsessed is because I texted him while I was on vacation. Ummm, hellooooo, he ASKED me if I would text him while I was on vacation. I believe his exact words were, "who will I talk to while you're gone?" I pointed out to him that while he was on vacation, I never once texted him, except for when he texted me, which was once.

In the light of a new day, and without beer goggles, I can only assume that he may have secretly, quite possibly subconsciously, continued texting and calling me because although he didn't really want me, he merely wanted me TO WANT HIM. Reminds me of that Sex & the City episode where Big says, "she can get ME, but I can't get HER".

Where does this end for the two of us? I don't know, folks. I can say this, he texted me this morning just to make sure we're "still friends". And of course, I agreed we are.