Sabotage!

Friends, have you ever had that moment where you realize how ridiculous you've been acting? I came across that moment last night. More on that later.

I have a very good friend who got dumped by the man she intended to marry. She had been acting a little crazy and that's probably why he broke things off with him. Apparently, he had been very attentive to her in the beginning. But as time went by, he would occassionally let her calls go to voice mail, ignore texts and wouldn't always return her calls. This drove her batty. When it would happen, she would call him four, five, 10 more times at various numbers. Now I would have learned at call three that I needed to leave a message and call it a day. Not this friend! She was relentless. He never told her why he dumped her, but I assumed it was her stalker behavior. She had unwittingly sabotaged her own relationship.

She recently left me a voice mail message saying, "I'm calling you because I don't want to call him. But I just want to know WHY he broke things off... and I want to know WHY he didn't call me and tell me, he just sent an e-mail..." I proceeded to let her know that he didn't call her and break things off because he's a punk ass. However, WHY he broke things off is irrelevent at this point. All she needs to know now is that he doesn't feel she's the girl for him. If she knew, would she change? Is it appropriate for her to change? If so, why? Shouldn't he love her for HER? I told her to quit crying over someone that doesn't want her. Someone is waiting for her right now. Why is she keeping him waiting while she pines over this guy? Truer words were never spoken.

Then came yesterday. I was having car issues and was REALLY angry, and pretty much blaming it all on Big Daddy. Apparently, it hit home for him; I was ruthless and he must have really wanted to get away. He said he was leaving for the night because he's working in the morning and it's kinda far away, but I'm sure it was mainly that he was tired of hearing my mouth. It was a split decision for him to leave and, I'll be honest, it put me out a little. If he would have left maybe a couple hours later, it would have been better all the way around. But, he had made his mind up and I was livid. He was gone before I would have gotten home from work. I tried to call him several times and text him. Nothing.

So when a friend called asking me to go drinking, I was more than willing to imbibe. The beers were flowing like the Point State Park fountain. And the more they flowed, the more convinced I became that Big Daddy was gone. For good. I hadn't called him since late afternoon, so I tried to call him, but got his voice mail. I didn't bother. I tell my friend that I'm pretty sure I've been dumped. Since Big Daddy and I share a phone plan that's in my name, I imagine that he's gone and left the phone, which is why he wasn't answering. My mind's eye saw the phone sitting somewhere in the house, just ringing. I went over the events of the day and realized I had sabotaged my own relationship.

Remember those true words up there? Well, they sunk in. And I came to accept the fact that he left, and I didn't blame him. I'm not the easiest person to live with, I'm particular and generally want things done a certain way. I'm also a real grouch in the morning. I had effectively and efficiently ran him out of my life. I got home and was literally afraid to enter. I knew how lonely I'd feel without his things around me. I knew I'd fucked up good and proper and he deserved better. I opened the door... and all of his things were still there. I opened a couple drawers and his clothes were neatly folded and in order. The picture of him and his mom was sitting on his dresser. If he was gone, he would have taken it with him. That woman is his life.

I couldn't help but be glad that I managed to score myself a do-over! Or is it merely a temporary stay of execution? If it is a do-over, he must REALLY love me. And I'm going to REALLY try not to fuck up the do-over. But that may be wishful thinking. It's been 24 hours with no word from him. The execution may be scheduled at a time more convenient for him to come pick up his things.

Whatever the case may be, I'll be okay. If he comes home to stay, I'll know I dodged a bullet and try to bite my tongue more often. If he leaves, I'll be sad (VERY sad), but I'll also have learned something the hard way. Again.