Wow, so much has happened since my last blog. I had called XBD the Sunday morning after he had been with the other girl and told him I was bowing out gracefully. He accepted it without question, as is typical for him. I then took the pregnancy test about 15 minutes after the call. My theory was that it would be entirely too early in the game to read a positive, and if he ever questioned me about it, I would be able to show him the test and say, "See... not pregnant!" Well, that's not what was in the cards for me. The test came up positive. I sat there in shock. Because I literally would have only been 9 days pregnant.
I immediately go upstairs, stand in front of roomie and say, "I'm pregnant" and burst into tears. We sit there and hug and cry and she tried her best to console me. I didn't know what to do. XBD had already told me that if I were pregnant, he wanted me to keep it. But with my recent health problems, us breaking up, and his track-record, it just didn't seem too smart to keep it. I didn't even want to tell him, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I called him and left him a voice mail. I know, it was a real punk-ass, chicken-shit move on my part. But I knew I'd only be able to say it once and that was it. He called me later and I was still crying and upset. We agreed that talking about it in person was probably a better idea. We made plans to get together the following weekend.
We got together and hemmed and hawed about what we would do. Of course, he wanted me to keep it, and I'm not pro-abortion in any way. But I couldn't see myself raising a child alone at this time of my life. I told him as much. He promised he would be there, but I didn't believe him. He has other children who grew up without him around. I didn't want my child to go through that. My kids lost their father to cancer and that was hard enough. I didn't want this one to lose his father because he just didn't feel like being there. But I knew he's really been making an effort with his kids now, and now his grandchildren, so it was possible he was being sincere. We decided to try again, for the sake of the baby.
And his attitude changed. He didn't leave my side. He stayed with me and took care of me. He watched what I was eating, made sure I ate enough, just did everything he could to make sure I was okay. Then, three weeks ago, I lost the baby. I knew it was going to happen because I'd been cramping and having back pains all day. I lost it in the ER, and they immediately gave me a D&C. It was horrible, I was awake, and it was one of the worst moments of my life.
For those 10 weeks that I was pregnant, I saw a different XBD. He was caring, loving, just so devoted. When I lost the baby, I assumed things would be over. We both openly admitted to only being together for the baby and with the baby gone, I assumed things would be over. He didn't call me for several days after. Then a few more days after that. We spent some time together last week, when he came up to my place for a few days. Since then, he's been calling regularly, telling me he loves me, etc. We're still talking now, but it's different.
Folks, I don't know how I feel about him. I love him. But I'm so numb right now. Alot of people say this is normal behavior after a miscarriage. But knowing that we both said we were only getting back together for the baby, I don't even know what I want to do. I enjoy being with him. He makes me laugh, he's entertaining and he's still completely devoted. But with the knowledge I've gained about him throughout this past year, I'm not sure what I want.
Whenever I think I'm untangling myself, another knot forms.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Woman in Trouble
Well folks, a wrench has been thrown in the "friends" relationship with XBD. After what I thought was a heart-felt talk with him, I spent a couple more days with him.
One thing I didn't mention in my last blog was that immediately after he left, I started feeling really ill. Puking, headaches, nausea. Day after day after day. I panicked and checked my calendar and realized I had spent those three days with XBD in direct correlation to my ovulation date. Just great. But I refused to panic. This was really early in the game, and I tried to ignore that these were the exact same signs I had immediately after conception in prior pregnancies.
Remember the DUI snafu back in January? Well, he had his court date and it was determined that he could do 30 days of house arrest, or 48 hours in jail. He chose the jail time. He went in on that Monday after we had spent all that time together and was released on Wednesday. We had agreed that I would pick him up. I did, and he asked to stay at my house for the night. I was open to it; we had spent those three great days together and I figured what's a couple more? On the way to my house, SHE called him. At that point, I told him, "look, are you going to continue to see her?" He said no, that he hadn't seen her since before he had left to go south, and didn't plan on seeing her anymore. I made it clear that if he was going to see her, I'd rather just drop him off at his own house and call it a day. I explained that I'm not a competitive person, and if this was going to be a major decision for him (me or her), that I would step-aside and bow out gracefully. Being friends, you can do that. He insisted he wouldn't be seeing her, it wasn't a major decision, and we headed to my place. Two more days of steamy sex followed.
Then came Friday. I decided not to drive down and meet him. We needed space after spending so much time together and I wanted to keep things in perspective. Saturday I found out he indeed spent Friday evening with her. I wasn't mad, surprisingly. I was disappointed that he lied to me, but I wasn't mad. We had agreed that we were nothing but FWB. I can't even say I was really hurt, I half-expected it. I told him I wouldn't be meeting him Saturday either. Because I'm so non-competitive, I don't want to hurt anyone. Including her. She didn't "steal" XBD away from me. I believe people make their own decisions and if he decided he wanted to be with her instead of me, sobeit. I'm not a stalker, or a beggar and pleader. We talked on the phone about it for about 20 minutes, the conversation ending in no real resolution, although it was established that he was going to continue to see her, so the ball was in my court. I didn't say it, but I knew I would be bowing out.
When the conversation was over, I promptly walked in the house and threw up. So now, we have a situation here. I've been puking, headachy and nauseous for the past week. Sure signs for me that I'm pregnant. This is not good people. Notice how I mentioned up there that I had been pregnant several years ago? This should also point out that I'm entirely too old to be pregnant at this time of my life. Over the past week, I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to him in passing. I was really attempting to prime him for it, without actually saying it, because I don't have any proof yet. I know there is a period of time that has to pass before a test will even read a positive result. But my body has always known right away in the past (I've had two children and lost two) so I know how it works.
When I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to XBD, he told me, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted me to have it, if I was indeed pregnant. This was all before he said he was going to continue to see her, and I had decided to bow out gracefully. He then called me about 1/2 hour after we hung up and said, "if you are pregnant, I still want you to have it". I told him it would have to be something we'd talk about it. I had already scheduled an appointment to have a pregnancy test "officially" taken by my PCP. The nurse had asked me when I thought conception had occurred, and they gave me a day that should give enough time for an accurate reading to occur. That appointment is in three days. Because it is a blood test, I may not have the results for another two days after that.
People, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't believe in abortion. I believe it is murder. However, I do believe that abortions should be safe and legal. I know not everyone believes as I do, and that's their business, not mine. I'm not a crazy right-to-lifer who condemns people who don't share the same viewpoint with me. It's merely my belief. But there's the other side of me who can't imagine raising a child alone, and how this would keep me tied to this man for the rest of my life. But then I don't believe abortions should be done just because "having a baby would be really inconvenient right now" (something that someone actually said to me). And trust me, this would REALLY be inconvenient for me. I just got over a MAJOR illness, XBD and I broke up, and he's seeing someone else to boot.
My life just made a left turn that I didn't see coming. What to do, what to do....
One thing I didn't mention in my last blog was that immediately after he left, I started feeling really ill. Puking, headaches, nausea. Day after day after day. I panicked and checked my calendar and realized I had spent those three days with XBD in direct correlation to my ovulation date. Just great. But I refused to panic. This was really early in the game, and I tried to ignore that these were the exact same signs I had immediately after conception in prior pregnancies.
Remember the DUI snafu back in January? Well, he had his court date and it was determined that he could do 30 days of house arrest, or 48 hours in jail. He chose the jail time. He went in on that Monday after we had spent all that time together and was released on Wednesday. We had agreed that I would pick him up. I did, and he asked to stay at my house for the night. I was open to it; we had spent those three great days together and I figured what's a couple more? On the way to my house, SHE called him. At that point, I told him, "look, are you going to continue to see her?" He said no, that he hadn't seen her since before he had left to go south, and didn't plan on seeing her anymore. I made it clear that if he was going to see her, I'd rather just drop him off at his own house and call it a day. I explained that I'm not a competitive person, and if this was going to be a major decision for him (me or her), that I would step-aside and bow out gracefully. Being friends, you can do that. He insisted he wouldn't be seeing her, it wasn't a major decision, and we headed to my place. Two more days of steamy sex followed.
Then came Friday. I decided not to drive down and meet him. We needed space after spending so much time together and I wanted to keep things in perspective. Saturday I found out he indeed spent Friday evening with her. I wasn't mad, surprisingly. I was disappointed that he lied to me, but I wasn't mad. We had agreed that we were nothing but FWB. I can't even say I was really hurt, I half-expected it. I told him I wouldn't be meeting him Saturday either. Because I'm so non-competitive, I don't want to hurt anyone. Including her. She didn't "steal" XBD away from me. I believe people make their own decisions and if he decided he wanted to be with her instead of me, sobeit. I'm not a stalker, or a beggar and pleader. We talked on the phone about it for about 20 minutes, the conversation ending in no real resolution, although it was established that he was going to continue to see her, so the ball was in my court. I didn't say it, but I knew I would be bowing out.
When the conversation was over, I promptly walked in the house and threw up. So now, we have a situation here. I've been puking, headachy and nauseous for the past week. Sure signs for me that I'm pregnant. This is not good people. Notice how I mentioned up there that I had been pregnant several years ago? This should also point out that I'm entirely too old to be pregnant at this time of my life. Over the past week, I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to him in passing. I was really attempting to prime him for it, without actually saying it, because I don't have any proof yet. I know there is a period of time that has to pass before a test will even read a positive result. But my body has always known right away in the past (I've had two children and lost two) so I know how it works.
When I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to XBD, he told me, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted me to have it, if I was indeed pregnant. This was all before he said he was going to continue to see her, and I had decided to bow out gracefully. He then called me about 1/2 hour after we hung up and said, "if you are pregnant, I still want you to have it". I told him it would have to be something we'd talk about it. I had already scheduled an appointment to have a pregnancy test "officially" taken by my PCP. The nurse had asked me when I thought conception had occurred, and they gave me a day that should give enough time for an accurate reading to occur. That appointment is in three days. Because it is a blood test, I may not have the results for another two days after that.
People, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't believe in abortion. I believe it is murder. However, I do believe that abortions should be safe and legal. I know not everyone believes as I do, and that's their business, not mine. I'm not a crazy right-to-lifer who condemns people who don't share the same viewpoint with me. It's merely my belief. But there's the other side of me who can't imagine raising a child alone, and how this would keep me tied to this man for the rest of my life. But then I don't believe abortions should be done just because "having a baby would be really inconvenient right now" (something that someone actually said to me). And trust me, this would REALLY be inconvenient for me. I just got over a MAJOR illness, XBD and I broke up, and he's seeing someone else to boot.
My life just made a left turn that I didn't see coming. What to do, what to do....
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
On the Road Again
Remember when I said it was the end of the road for XBD and me? Well, I might have gotten on a road that runs parallel to the one we had been on. I know, you're thinking I've lost it. I'm cuckoo. Just. plain. stupid. Allow me to elaborate.
I had a pretty major health problem almost the entire time XBD and I were together. The doctors finally found out what was wrong with me, and I was ecstatic. The cure was fairly simple, but it was going to leave me sick for a couple weeks. XBD's best friend was always aware of my health issues and constantly called to check on me. It was natural for me to call him and tell him they found the root of the problem, it was being treated, and I would be sick for a while. He in turn called XBD and told him about it. This prompted him to call me and tell me he was hurt that he had to hear it from someone else, and asked me why I didn't call him. I told him I didn't really think about it, he had dumped me for someone else, so I assumed he wasn't interested. He was really hurt that he had been with me the entire time I was being tested, poked and prodded and I hadn't shared the good news with him. I reiterated that I didn't think he really cared. He then told me he was leaving town in a few days, would be gone for a little over a week, and when he returned, he would come stay with me while I was recovering if I needed someone. I told him I'd probably be feeling better by the time he returned, but I appreciated the offer.
So XBD took his cousin and his son and headed south to do some work and visit family. He promised to call me when he arrived at his family's house and he did. He told me even the minute details of the drive down there, all while talking a mile a minute. This was funny to me because this was something he would do when he hadn't talked to me for a while, really missed me, and wanted to fill me in on the details of his life. Every few days throughout his trip, he'd call and share the details of their time there. The job ran longer than they intended and they stayed another week, making his trip a full two weeks.
During those two weeks, XBD and I agreed to remain friends, and I spoke to him only as a friend when he called. Occassionally, we'd tell each other we still loved each other, but we knew we wouldn't be together again. It was bittersweet, but necessary. During one call, I asked him, "why are you calling so much, do you miss me or something?" He responded, "I wouldn't be calling you if I didn't miss you". We agreed to get together when he returned, as friends. Again, I didn't ask him about the other girl, although I felt strange agreeing to meet him if he had someone else. I wanted to see him, but I didn't at the same time. I was confused and scared and nervous. I chose to believe that he was calling to check on me, as I was very sick almost the entire time he was gone and was on some heavy-duty medication.
We talked about getting together the Sunday after he got back (he was getting back on a Thursday). As the days got closer to him arriving home, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I asked him what was up between us. He replied, "we're going to be friends, right?" I agreed we would, but I had something else on my mind as well. We were always very physically attracted to each other and I hadn't had sex since the last time I was with him. I finally just break down and ask if we'll be sleeping together. He says yes, he'd planned on it. I was relieved and knew it wouldn't be all bad. With all the things that happened in our past, and how hurt I was, I tried to figure out how this was going to work. I decided the best thing to do was to just be "in the moment" while I was with him. I wouldn't talk about what happened in the past, nor would I think about the future. I knew it would be hard, but I knew it would be the only way I could be friends with XBD.
By the time he got back, it had been a month since I last saw him and I missed him horribly. He called me when he got home and we agreed to meet on Sunday as planned. But he texted me the next day to say that he was free that night (Friday). Since he would be free, I asked him how he would feel about not just getting together that night, but also attending my work picnic the next day, just as friends. He agrees to go and I know that minimally, we'll have a good time. At this point, I felt it necessary to ask about the other girl. He said he hadn't talked to her since before his trip, and didn't intend to. I didn't agree to see him ONLY to "hook up", I did it because it wouldn't be something that would hurt anyone else's feelings. If he was still with her, I wouldn't have seen him.
I told him I could use a good drunk, since I hadn't drank since I'd been sick. He agreed to come up and I met him after work Friday night. It was awkward at first. We stood at arms length and greeted each other very much friend-like. But when we had our first moments alone, he pulled me close and hugged me. Several times. It felt warm and familiar and it scared the bejesus out of me. I didn't know what to do so I just hugged back. We had a few drinks and talked. He had gotten some sun, the color was back in his face and he was the same fun guy I remembered. But I'm not going to lie, it was awkward. Neither of us knew how to act. Occassionally, we would accidently touch each other and quickly jerk away. We decided to go someplace closer to home (my home) and we took off. We had a few more drinks and came back to my place. We were intimate, it was incredible, and I realized how much I missed that closeness with him. It was scary that he still knew exactly what I liked, and he had no problems jumping back in the saddle.
We woke up the next day, had some more intimate time and headed to the local amusement park for my work picnic. It was a beautiful day and we really had a great time. It was a little different not holding hands, not touching all the time, etc. But he would occassionally put his arm around my shoulders as we were walking and pull me close. I'd lean into his body and enjoy it. I tried not to initiate too much contact because I didn't want him to think I was trying to be more than the friends that we agreed on. I also knew that getting back together with him wasn't a good idea. But I was enjoying this time with him. It was like the beginning where we were nervous, and didn't have any issues to discuss. We did talk about sex ALOT that day though, while we were at this amusement park. How we managed to do it without others knowing, I have no idea. Looking back, it was obvious that we were still very much attracted to each other. After we spent the day at the park where he met several people with whom I work, we stopped for a bite to eat on the way home, and came back to my place and crashed.
When we awoke on Sunday, we discussed going to the baseball game. I was all for it, baseball being my all-time favorite sport. He hemmed and hawed. He'd been wanting to see PNC Park for quite some time and he finally agreed. We had more intimate time and he admitted he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the game because he wanted to spend some more alone time with me. This caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I touched his face and said, "aww, I'm touched" and we both laughed. Our time at the game was really fun. We laughed, high-fived, and did a whole lot of touching. If he didn't have his hand on my knee, I had my arm around his shoulders, or our legs were touching. Despite all this intimacy, I didn't feel that closeness we once had, and it was clear our relationship was evolving. To what, I'm not sure.
On the way home, we discussed what was happening between us. He admitted that he was never really "with" the other girl. He said he knew he had pretty much kissed his relationship with me good-bye when he had her at his birthday party, and to save face, he had gone out with her a couple times, but had never slept with her, or anyone else. I admitted that I hadn't slept with anyone else either. We agreed that we'd continue to be friends and would sleep together exclusively, until one of us moved on. We agreed to be honest and let each other know if either of us found someone else. Although I missed him being "mine", this took a ton of pressure off of us to be a couple.
We said our good-byes and I assumed I would talk to him in a few days or maybe a week. Wrong. He called me twice that night, and during one conversation he told me, "you know I love you, right?" I told him I did, and told him I still love him as well. In the next conversation, we both said we regretted allowing so many others to be involved in our relationship. When we did split up, his friends all told him he was crazy. My friends all told me never to talk to him again. We agreed that the details of our friendship would be off-limits to everyone else.
I awoke to my alarm on Monday morning and saw I had a new text message from him that was sent at 2am.... "woke up missin u". What else could I reply, but "missin u too".
The scenery on this road is different. Despite his declarations of love for me and me for him, I don't expect anything out of this relationship, and I'm free to see other people if I so desire. I don't know what will happen in the future between us. All I know is that I'm seeing him again tomorrow... on the new road.
I had a pretty major health problem almost the entire time XBD and I were together. The doctors finally found out what was wrong with me, and I was ecstatic. The cure was fairly simple, but it was going to leave me sick for a couple weeks. XBD's best friend was always aware of my health issues and constantly called to check on me. It was natural for me to call him and tell him they found the root of the problem, it was being treated, and I would be sick for a while. He in turn called XBD and told him about it. This prompted him to call me and tell me he was hurt that he had to hear it from someone else, and asked me why I didn't call him. I told him I didn't really think about it, he had dumped me for someone else, so I assumed he wasn't interested. He was really hurt that he had been with me the entire time I was being tested, poked and prodded and I hadn't shared the good news with him. I reiterated that I didn't think he really cared. He then told me he was leaving town in a few days, would be gone for a little over a week, and when he returned, he would come stay with me while I was recovering if I needed someone. I told him I'd probably be feeling better by the time he returned, but I appreciated the offer.
So XBD took his cousin and his son and headed south to do some work and visit family. He promised to call me when he arrived at his family's house and he did. He told me even the minute details of the drive down there, all while talking a mile a minute. This was funny to me because this was something he would do when he hadn't talked to me for a while, really missed me, and wanted to fill me in on the details of his life. Every few days throughout his trip, he'd call and share the details of their time there. The job ran longer than they intended and they stayed another week, making his trip a full two weeks.
During those two weeks, XBD and I agreed to remain friends, and I spoke to him only as a friend when he called. Occassionally, we'd tell each other we still loved each other, but we knew we wouldn't be together again. It was bittersweet, but necessary. During one call, I asked him, "why are you calling so much, do you miss me or something?" He responded, "I wouldn't be calling you if I didn't miss you". We agreed to get together when he returned, as friends. Again, I didn't ask him about the other girl, although I felt strange agreeing to meet him if he had someone else. I wanted to see him, but I didn't at the same time. I was confused and scared and nervous. I chose to believe that he was calling to check on me, as I was very sick almost the entire time he was gone and was on some heavy-duty medication.
We talked about getting together the Sunday after he got back (he was getting back on a Thursday). As the days got closer to him arriving home, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I asked him what was up between us. He replied, "we're going to be friends, right?" I agreed we would, but I had something else on my mind as well. We were always very physically attracted to each other and I hadn't had sex since the last time I was with him. I finally just break down and ask if we'll be sleeping together. He says yes, he'd planned on it. I was relieved and knew it wouldn't be all bad. With all the things that happened in our past, and how hurt I was, I tried to figure out how this was going to work. I decided the best thing to do was to just be "in the moment" while I was with him. I wouldn't talk about what happened in the past, nor would I think about the future. I knew it would be hard, but I knew it would be the only way I could be friends with XBD.
By the time he got back, it had been a month since I last saw him and I missed him horribly. He called me when he got home and we agreed to meet on Sunday as planned. But he texted me the next day to say that he was free that night (Friday). Since he would be free, I asked him how he would feel about not just getting together that night, but also attending my work picnic the next day, just as friends. He agrees to go and I know that minimally, we'll have a good time. At this point, I felt it necessary to ask about the other girl. He said he hadn't talked to her since before his trip, and didn't intend to. I didn't agree to see him ONLY to "hook up", I did it because it wouldn't be something that would hurt anyone else's feelings. If he was still with her, I wouldn't have seen him.
I told him I could use a good drunk, since I hadn't drank since I'd been sick. He agreed to come up and I met him after work Friday night. It was awkward at first. We stood at arms length and greeted each other very much friend-like. But when we had our first moments alone, he pulled me close and hugged me. Several times. It felt warm and familiar and it scared the bejesus out of me. I didn't know what to do so I just hugged back. We had a few drinks and talked. He had gotten some sun, the color was back in his face and he was the same fun guy I remembered. But I'm not going to lie, it was awkward. Neither of us knew how to act. Occassionally, we would accidently touch each other and quickly jerk away. We decided to go someplace closer to home (my home) and we took off. We had a few more drinks and came back to my place. We were intimate, it was incredible, and I realized how much I missed that closeness with him. It was scary that he still knew exactly what I liked, and he had no problems jumping back in the saddle.
We woke up the next day, had some more intimate time and headed to the local amusement park for my work picnic. It was a beautiful day and we really had a great time. It was a little different not holding hands, not touching all the time, etc. But he would occassionally put his arm around my shoulders as we were walking and pull me close. I'd lean into his body and enjoy it. I tried not to initiate too much contact because I didn't want him to think I was trying to be more than the friends that we agreed on. I also knew that getting back together with him wasn't a good idea. But I was enjoying this time with him. It was like the beginning where we were nervous, and didn't have any issues to discuss. We did talk about sex ALOT that day though, while we were at this amusement park. How we managed to do it without others knowing, I have no idea. Looking back, it was obvious that we were still very much attracted to each other. After we spent the day at the park where he met several people with whom I work, we stopped for a bite to eat on the way home, and came back to my place and crashed.
When we awoke on Sunday, we discussed going to the baseball game. I was all for it, baseball being my all-time favorite sport. He hemmed and hawed. He'd been wanting to see PNC Park for quite some time and he finally agreed. We had more intimate time and he admitted he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the game because he wanted to spend some more alone time with me. This caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I touched his face and said, "aww, I'm touched" and we both laughed. Our time at the game was really fun. We laughed, high-fived, and did a whole lot of touching. If he didn't have his hand on my knee, I had my arm around his shoulders, or our legs were touching. Despite all this intimacy, I didn't feel that closeness we once had, and it was clear our relationship was evolving. To what, I'm not sure.
On the way home, we discussed what was happening between us. He admitted that he was never really "with" the other girl. He said he knew he had pretty much kissed his relationship with me good-bye when he had her at his birthday party, and to save face, he had gone out with her a couple times, but had never slept with her, or anyone else. I admitted that I hadn't slept with anyone else either. We agreed that we'd continue to be friends and would sleep together exclusively, until one of us moved on. We agreed to be honest and let each other know if either of us found someone else. Although I missed him being "mine", this took a ton of pressure off of us to be a couple.
We said our good-byes and I assumed I would talk to him in a few days or maybe a week. Wrong. He called me twice that night, and during one conversation he told me, "you know I love you, right?" I told him I did, and told him I still love him as well. In the next conversation, we both said we regretted allowing so many others to be involved in our relationship. When we did split up, his friends all told him he was crazy. My friends all told me never to talk to him again. We agreed that the details of our friendship would be off-limits to everyone else.
I awoke to my alarm on Monday morning and saw I had a new text message from him that was sent at 2am.... "woke up missin u". What else could I reply, but "missin u too".
The scenery on this road is different. Despite his declarations of love for me and me for him, I don't expect anything out of this relationship, and I'm free to see other people if I so desire. I don't know what will happen in the future between us. All I know is that I'm seeing him again tomorrow... on the new road.
Friday, July 10, 2009
My First Internet Date...
I know, I know, I stooped to a new level by subscribing to an internet dating site. But I didn't know what else to do. Remember folks, I went from living with the husband, to living with XBD, and now I'm single. Most of my friends are much younger than I, or married. And I'll be frank, I don't want to tell my friends I want to be "set up". Plus, I wanted to have the option of knowing what someone looked like, how they wrote, and if they seemed interesting in any way before actually meeting them.
So I joined a dating site and started getting emails. Some interesting, some immediately deleted. I communicated with one guy for about two weeks, and we agreed to meet this morning at a local coffee joint he mentioned. He didn't seem totally like someone I would date, but I'm trying to keep my options open. He had a kind face, he was funny, and he seemed pretty smart. Last night, I went out and looked up the coffee shop, read a couple reviews of it (very good), and got directions.
We agree to meet at "9:30ish". I leave my house at right about 9:30, because it was reasonably close to me, and shouldn't take more than 15 minutes to get there. I really wanted to leave earlier, but today was my day off and I slept in a little later than I had intended. So the problems start as I'm on my way when I realize that the route Mapquest had chosen for me was right in the path of, you got it, a detour. I find my way out of it, albeit losing some time. I make it to said coffee joint at about 9:50am. I walk up to the door, nervous as all get out, and..... IT'S CLOSED! It wasn't closed for good, there were signs out front showing that it clearly was open, and very recently. But it was closed nonetheless. I stand there for a minute, wondering what to do at this juncture. I look around, to see if maybe there's someone in their car, watching for me to walk up and experience the same thing they had. There's nobody. I slowly meander back to my car and call my friend Mike. The conversation goes something like this:
ME: Ready for the weirdest first internet date story EVER?
MIKE: Yeah....?
ME: Well, I get to the coffee shop and it's CLOSED!
MIKE: Huh? Closed? Like, for good?
ME: No, not for good, there were signs out front advertising protein smoothies and what-not.
MIKE: Hmm, that's odd.
ME: Who ever heard of a coffee shop that's closed at 10am? Should I just go home now?
MIKE: Wait, it was closed and he didn't wait for you or anything?
ME: No, I guess not. I mean, I said "9:30ish" and I got here at 9:50.
MIKE: I would have waited until about 10.
ME: Right. I guess I'll just go home.
MIKE: Sounds like a plan.
So I come home and send him an email. Telling him I went, it was closed, and asked if he'd like to reschedule. In my mind's eye, I saw him sitting in his car, watching me walk up, thinking my ass is huge, and peeling out of there like a bat out of hell. Mike tells me this is ridiculous, and tells me nobody would do this to me, if they truly saw me (in so many words). I appreciate the words of encouragement, but Mike knows the real ME, and he loves me because of my inner beauty, not the outward. At least I hope so.
I don't know about this whole internet dating thing. And I'm feeling awkward about talking to this potential suitor again. It's obviously a little snafu with the place being closed. If it were open, I would have went in, ordered a coffee and sat for a few. But it wasn't and I'm uncertain about what to do now. Is this an indication that internet dating is not for me? Is this confirming what I've always believed to be true, that it's better to meet people in their natural habitat of life, as opposed to forced meetings on the world wide web? Are the people that we're supposed to meet the ones that we meet in the course of our daily lives?
I'm going to contemplate these questions for a while. And I'll let you know.
So I joined a dating site and started getting emails. Some interesting, some immediately deleted. I communicated with one guy for about two weeks, and we agreed to meet this morning at a local coffee joint he mentioned. He didn't seem totally like someone I would date, but I'm trying to keep my options open. He had a kind face, he was funny, and he seemed pretty smart. Last night, I went out and looked up the coffee shop, read a couple reviews of it (very good), and got directions.
We agree to meet at "9:30ish". I leave my house at right about 9:30, because it was reasonably close to me, and shouldn't take more than 15 minutes to get there. I really wanted to leave earlier, but today was my day off and I slept in a little later than I had intended. So the problems start as I'm on my way when I realize that the route Mapquest had chosen for me was right in the path of, you got it, a detour. I find my way out of it, albeit losing some time. I make it to said coffee joint at about 9:50am. I walk up to the door, nervous as all get out, and..... IT'S CLOSED! It wasn't closed for good, there were signs out front showing that it clearly was open, and very recently. But it was closed nonetheless. I stand there for a minute, wondering what to do at this juncture. I look around, to see if maybe there's someone in their car, watching for me to walk up and experience the same thing they had. There's nobody. I slowly meander back to my car and call my friend Mike. The conversation goes something like this:
ME: Ready for the weirdest first internet date story EVER?
MIKE: Yeah....?
ME: Well, I get to the coffee shop and it's CLOSED!
MIKE: Huh? Closed? Like, for good?
ME: No, not for good, there were signs out front advertising protein smoothies and what-not.
MIKE: Hmm, that's odd.
ME: Who ever heard of a coffee shop that's closed at 10am? Should I just go home now?
MIKE: Wait, it was closed and he didn't wait for you or anything?
ME: No, I guess not. I mean, I said "9:30ish" and I got here at 9:50.
MIKE: I would have waited until about 10.
ME: Right. I guess I'll just go home.
MIKE: Sounds like a plan.
So I come home and send him an email. Telling him I went, it was closed, and asked if he'd like to reschedule. In my mind's eye, I saw him sitting in his car, watching me walk up, thinking my ass is huge, and peeling out of there like a bat out of hell. Mike tells me this is ridiculous, and tells me nobody would do this to me, if they truly saw me (in so many words). I appreciate the words of encouragement, but Mike knows the real ME, and he loves me because of my inner beauty, not the outward. At least I hope so.
I don't know about this whole internet dating thing. And I'm feeling awkward about talking to this potential suitor again. It's obviously a little snafu with the place being closed. If it were open, I would have went in, ordered a coffee and sat for a few. But it wasn't and I'm uncertain about what to do now. Is this an indication that internet dating is not for me? Is this confirming what I've always believed to be true, that it's better to meet people in their natural habitat of life, as opposed to forced meetings on the world wide web? Are the people that we're supposed to meet the ones that we meet in the course of our daily lives?
I'm going to contemplate these questions for a while. And I'll let you know.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Table for One?
Last Friday, I went out for the first time in over 18 years as a single female. I was very aware of this fact prior to going out. The strange thing about it was that I went down to the bar where XBD bartends. He wasn't there, he was down south, visiting family and working. There was a big party being held there to which I had been invited. I begged a girlfriend to go with me, and she agreed to tag along.
The day before I was to embark on my first single-outing, I asked roomie if she had something cute I could wear. I have plenty of clothes, but I wanted something a little more risque, maybe a little more revealing. I'm not the type to wear overtly sexy clothes, but she is. She pulls out one of the tightest skirts I've ever seen. I try it on. With my new body, it looks great on me. I settle on a loose-fitting button-down to go with it, and add some jewelry. The girlfriend comes over and she's looking outstanding as well. We head down.
We walk in and I can't tell you how many comments I got saying I never dressed like that when I was with XBD. I can only reply that the weather was never warm enough to wear outfits like this (partly true). I don't do anything remotely different than I did when I was with XBD. I dance, I chat, I greet people etc. But it felt different. I felt like... an outsider. I'm not sure why, everyone graciously greeted me and told me it was great to see me. And I believed them. But it was just different being single in that place where XBD and I spent so much time together.
I did get chatted up a few times throughout the evening. But I wasn't feeling it. I felt awkward and I wanted to say, "I'm not ready for this". There were a few good prospects, and I even got asked out by one of them. I didn't accept, because I didn't feel it was fair to them to accept a date, and not truly be interested in them. And I'm not going to use a date as a gauge to measure my readiness for dating. The longer I was there, the more I realized I'm just not ready to enter the dating world again. I looked at these men who approached me and although they were nice, eligible, and good-looking, they weren't HIM. I felt no attraction to them, and I felt bad about it.
Yes, I'm a single girl again. But that's probably where I'll stay for a while. When I stop being physically attracted to XBD, I can move on. I know that being XBD's girlfriend isn't an option for me. But I can't deny that I still love him. I'm going to take my time, give myself time to get over him, and enjoy being with ME for a while.
The day before I was to embark on my first single-outing, I asked roomie if she had something cute I could wear. I have plenty of clothes, but I wanted something a little more risque, maybe a little more revealing. I'm not the type to wear overtly sexy clothes, but she is. She pulls out one of the tightest skirts I've ever seen. I try it on. With my new body, it looks great on me. I settle on a loose-fitting button-down to go with it, and add some jewelry. The girlfriend comes over and she's looking outstanding as well. We head down.
We walk in and I can't tell you how many comments I got saying I never dressed like that when I was with XBD. I can only reply that the weather was never warm enough to wear outfits like this (partly true). I don't do anything remotely different than I did when I was with XBD. I dance, I chat, I greet people etc. But it felt different. I felt like... an outsider. I'm not sure why, everyone graciously greeted me and told me it was great to see me. And I believed them. But it was just different being single in that place where XBD and I spent so much time together.
I did get chatted up a few times throughout the evening. But I wasn't feeling it. I felt awkward and I wanted to say, "I'm not ready for this". There were a few good prospects, and I even got asked out by one of them. I didn't accept, because I didn't feel it was fair to them to accept a date, and not truly be interested in them. And I'm not going to use a date as a gauge to measure my readiness for dating. The longer I was there, the more I realized I'm just not ready to enter the dating world again. I looked at these men who approached me and although they were nice, eligible, and good-looking, they weren't HIM. I felt no attraction to them, and I felt bad about it.
Yes, I'm a single girl again. But that's probably where I'll stay for a while. When I stop being physically attracted to XBD, I can move on. I know that being XBD's girlfriend isn't an option for me. But I can't deny that I still love him. I'm going to take my time, give myself time to get over him, and enjoy being with ME for a while.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Was Blind, But Now I See
Wow. What a difference a day makes! Well, maybe a couple days. I'm no longer crying, no longer heaving sobs with the loss of that great love. Mostly I'm looking back at at things that happened over the past nine months in disbelief.
I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I wanted things to work with XBD so badly. Maybe I felt like I wanted to help him. Maybe I felt privileged to be with him, that this womanizer had chosen ME. Maybe I enjoyed the spotlight that being with him brought me. Whatever it is, the fog has lifted and I'm a different woman.
In the midst of my depression, and when I was off work the day after his birthday party, I decided to go back and read my blogs from the time when I was with him. And there was only one happy blog. The rest of them were filled with doubts about the relationship (Really, go back and read them!). I never doubted that he loved me, and I still don't, but I doubted the validity of the relationship. A LOT. That should have been a red flag for me right away. I look back with amazement, at what seems to be a "spell" that he had on me.
Yesterday, I started thinking about things in the relationship that should have shown me that things weren't right. First of all, I cheated on him. Why would I cheat on someone with whom I was so madly in love? I had a wandering eye and never considered it off limits to go out with someone else. I always told them I had a boyfriend, but I went out with them anyway. Secondly, I was worried about XBD meeting my family, co-workers, etc. I worried about how he would carry himself, whether he would be appropriate or not, and what he would discuss. He had a myriad of children (with the same number of mothers) that I didn't admit to everyone. Finally, I didn't admit to everyone that we were even dating. After what happened in December, I was ashamed of the fact that I was back together with him. Even my blogs showed that I avidly tried to hold back, but whatever drew me to him was so strong that I just fell back into the same cycle. But I didn't admit it to certain people in my life, because I didn't want them to think I was stupid. And why wouldn't I want them to think that? Unless I WAS stupid, of course. Words to ponder. And ponder I did.
So I got home and saw some of his sweatpants and a pair of shorts lying on a chair. I picked them up to put them in the dresser and decided I'd pack up some things for him. One empty dresser later, I felt an incredible feeling of release. I decided to stop at that point because if I kept on going, I'd be up all night. But I sat down, in the recliner that he had made his own, and looked around the room at all the possibilities. All that sports memorabilia? It would be gone. Those empty top-shelf liquor bottles? Gone. All of his breakfast-cereal-character-collectibles? Gone. And I'd have a whole new dresser for my own things, more room for my books, and a whole lot less clutter (honestly, the things he kept!).
I will not trash-talk XBD. As I said in my last blog, he did more for me than he probably realizes. If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living with the ex-husband, and miserable. I lost weight so I could look better for him (a little stress might have been involved to, but I did do it initially for him). This lead to better eating habits on my part, and an ability to say no to things that normally were my weakness (chocolate, chips, non-diet soda). I felt alive when I was with him, and completely loved. I hadn't felt like that since my first husband was alive and it brought out that light in me that had long been out.
I look back on my time with XBD and know I'll have some great memories. He had a huge role in a transitional part of my life, so it's not like I'm going to forget about him anytime soon. But it's in the same way I'll never forget that boss I had who taught me so much about business. I still love him and care about him, but it's in the same manner I love and care about other people in my life. It's no longer this all-consuming devotion. People come and go from our lives and some of them are special enough to have an impact on us that we'll never forget. They serve their purpose and then it's time for them to move on. I'd like to think that I did the same for XBD, but it's not important. All in all, it was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.
I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I wanted things to work with XBD so badly. Maybe I felt like I wanted to help him. Maybe I felt privileged to be with him, that this womanizer had chosen ME. Maybe I enjoyed the spotlight that being with him brought me. Whatever it is, the fog has lifted and I'm a different woman.
In the midst of my depression, and when I was off work the day after his birthday party, I decided to go back and read my blogs from the time when I was with him. And there was only one happy blog. The rest of them were filled with doubts about the relationship (Really, go back and read them!). I never doubted that he loved me, and I still don't, but I doubted the validity of the relationship. A LOT. That should have been a red flag for me right away. I look back with amazement, at what seems to be a "spell" that he had on me.
Yesterday, I started thinking about things in the relationship that should have shown me that things weren't right. First of all, I cheated on him. Why would I cheat on someone with whom I was so madly in love? I had a wandering eye and never considered it off limits to go out with someone else. I always told them I had a boyfriend, but I went out with them anyway. Secondly, I was worried about XBD meeting my family, co-workers, etc. I worried about how he would carry himself, whether he would be appropriate or not, and what he would discuss. He had a myriad of children (with the same number of mothers) that I didn't admit to everyone. Finally, I didn't admit to everyone that we were even dating. After what happened in December, I was ashamed of the fact that I was back together with him. Even my blogs showed that I avidly tried to hold back, but whatever drew me to him was so strong that I just fell back into the same cycle. But I didn't admit it to certain people in my life, because I didn't want them to think I was stupid. And why wouldn't I want them to think that? Unless I WAS stupid, of course. Words to ponder. And ponder I did.
So I got home and saw some of his sweatpants and a pair of shorts lying on a chair. I picked them up to put them in the dresser and decided I'd pack up some things for him. One empty dresser later, I felt an incredible feeling of release. I decided to stop at that point because if I kept on going, I'd be up all night. But I sat down, in the recliner that he had made his own, and looked around the room at all the possibilities. All that sports memorabilia? It would be gone. Those empty top-shelf liquor bottles? Gone. All of his breakfast-cereal-character-collectibles? Gone. And I'd have a whole new dresser for my own things, more room for my books, and a whole lot less clutter (honestly, the things he kept!).
I will not trash-talk XBD. As I said in my last blog, he did more for me than he probably realizes. If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living with the ex-husband, and miserable. I lost weight so I could look better for him (a little stress might have been involved to, but I did do it initially for him). This lead to better eating habits on my part, and an ability to say no to things that normally were my weakness (chocolate, chips, non-diet soda). I felt alive when I was with him, and completely loved. I hadn't felt like that since my first husband was alive and it brought out that light in me that had long been out.
I look back on my time with XBD and know I'll have some great memories. He had a huge role in a transitional part of my life, so it's not like I'm going to forget about him anytime soon. But it's in the same way I'll never forget that boss I had who taught me so much about business. I still love him and care about him, but it's in the same manner I love and care about other people in my life. It's no longer this all-consuming devotion. People come and go from our lives and some of them are special enough to have an impact on us that we'll never forget. They serve their purpose and then it's time for them to move on. I'd like to think that I did the same for XBD, but it's not important. All in all, it was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.
Monday, June 22, 2009
The End of the End
Well folks, it's finally splitsville for me and Big Daddy. And this time it's for good. This issue he had back in December came back. And that I cannot tolerate. I believe in giving everyone a second chance. Lord knows I've deserved a second and third chance. But giving someone a second chance when it comes to drug abuse, well, that's where the chances end. I'm not even going to go into what happened in detail, it's irrelevant.
This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.
This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".
I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.
Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.
As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.
This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.
This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".
I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.
Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.
As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match
Friends, what draws us to certain people? What makes us find one person attractive and not another? Is it something inherent in us, or something we learn to like? My mother once told me that I like men with "long faces". It's true, some of the men I find the most handsome have long, angular faces. Is this because I have such a round face, that I would look for men with long faces so that if we ever had children they'd have a chance at having that perfect combination of angles and cheekbones? Hmmm... I remember as a child making up my mind that I would marry someone with light-colored eyes so that maybe my children would also have light eyes. I never REALLY thought it would happen, my eyes are so dark that I assumed my kids would be brown-eyed as well. I was wrong. The boy has hazel eyes, the daughter a beautiful blue. Was it inherent looking for long-faced men, and a choice for light eyes? Vice versa? Both?
When we're choosing a love-interest, what do we look for, aside from looks? This is always a grey area to me. I remember when I first got with Big Daddy, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. But then we talked and spent time together and I realized that this larger than life personality was only a small part of him. He had a heart of gold, cried if he was touched by something, and was kind and considerate. Those are all things I like in a person, that I might not find in someone else because they're not as physically attractive. Does that mean I let certain things slide because of those baby blues? It's possible. Am I still letting things slide because of them? Perhaps. Does he do the same for me? Absolutely. I've also met men through the years who were very easy on the eyes. And then I've spent time talking to them and they're not-so-easy on the ears. They're full of themselves, angry at life in general, or just plain boring. These are the ones we dismiss, and accept it as a fact of life that we're just not compatible.
It's confusing to me why some people stay with their significant other. I hear people talk about their partner/spouse/lover like they're a curse. Why do people stay if they're unhappy? Why don't they sit down and talk to that person and try to work it out? If they're not married, why continue the relationship? Has society instructed us to pair-up with such influence that people allow themselves to be unhappy so that they follow the rules? Are they too lazy to look for a new place? Are they too chicken shit to bring it up? Are they afraid that if they let that person go, that they'll lose a place to live/a job/money/etc.? Being unhappy with someone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'd rather be alone.
Aside from the physical, we look for people similar to us. I don't mean exactly the same, but definitely similar. I have friends of all sizes, shapes, colors and backgrounds. But take off their outer shell and we all lead similar lives. We love our friends and families, enjoy cultural events, are technically savvy, and have strong work ethics. Some of my friends are younger, which puts them at a different point in their life. But we're still close and enjoy much of the same things.
Why do we choose some people as friends, but not others? I have no doubt that we also look for attractiveness in our friends. But when we're making friends, that attraction may come from a variety of places. Sometimes we're attracted to their lively nature, or their honesty, or their generosity, or their humility, or their outrageous sense of humor. Sometimes, they're physically attractive and so we're more open to friendship with them. It happens, even if we don't want to admit it. I remember meeting someone about a decade ago that I had no interest in being friends with. She seemed a little "old school" to me, and I am more contemporary. But, we shared some conversations and I realized how similar we are. We both enjoyed traveling, culture, dining out, and more. And although she may be a little old school, she's not nearly as old school as I thought. She's a real techie with every new gadget out there, she dates like it's her last week on earth, and she's up for anything at the drop of a hat. I think what I like most about her is that despite how differently we carry ourselves, she's never judgemental or negative. I've always prided myself on being those two things, so it's wonderful to get it from someone else too.
I suppose if we could pin-point why we choose to include certain people in our lives, it would omit a whole lot of toxic people that make their way in!
When we're choosing a love-interest, what do we look for, aside from looks? This is always a grey area to me. I remember when I first got with Big Daddy, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. But then we talked and spent time together and I realized that this larger than life personality was only a small part of him. He had a heart of gold, cried if he was touched by something, and was kind and considerate. Those are all things I like in a person, that I might not find in someone else because they're not as physically attractive. Does that mean I let certain things slide because of those baby blues? It's possible. Am I still letting things slide because of them? Perhaps. Does he do the same for me? Absolutely. I've also met men through the years who were very easy on the eyes. And then I've spent time talking to them and they're not-so-easy on the ears. They're full of themselves, angry at life in general, or just plain boring. These are the ones we dismiss, and accept it as a fact of life that we're just not compatible.
It's confusing to me why some people stay with their significant other. I hear people talk about their partner/spouse/lover like they're a curse. Why do people stay if they're unhappy? Why don't they sit down and talk to that person and try to work it out? If they're not married, why continue the relationship? Has society instructed us to pair-up with such influence that people allow themselves to be unhappy so that they follow the rules? Are they too lazy to look for a new place? Are they too chicken shit to bring it up? Are they afraid that if they let that person go, that they'll lose a place to live/a job/money/etc.? Being unhappy with someone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'd rather be alone.
Aside from the physical, we look for people similar to us. I don't mean exactly the same, but definitely similar. I have friends of all sizes, shapes, colors and backgrounds. But take off their outer shell and we all lead similar lives. We love our friends and families, enjoy cultural events, are technically savvy, and have strong work ethics. Some of my friends are younger, which puts them at a different point in their life. But we're still close and enjoy much of the same things.
Why do we choose some people as friends, but not others? I have no doubt that we also look for attractiveness in our friends. But when we're making friends, that attraction may come from a variety of places. Sometimes we're attracted to their lively nature, or their honesty, or their generosity, or their humility, or their outrageous sense of humor. Sometimes, they're physically attractive and so we're more open to friendship with them. It happens, even if we don't want to admit it. I remember meeting someone about a decade ago that I had no interest in being friends with. She seemed a little "old school" to me, and I am more contemporary. But, we shared some conversations and I realized how similar we are. We both enjoyed traveling, culture, dining out, and more. And although she may be a little old school, she's not nearly as old school as I thought. She's a real techie with every new gadget out there, she dates like it's her last week on earth, and she's up for anything at the drop of a hat. I think what I like most about her is that despite how differently we carry ourselves, she's never judgemental or negative. I've always prided myself on being those two things, so it's wonderful to get it from someone else too.
I suppose if we could pin-point why we choose to include certain people in our lives, it would omit a whole lot of toxic people that make their way in!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Oh, Behave!
I was just reading my most recent blog and noticed I said something about being on good behavior, and it got me thinking. Folks, why do we start out relationships being on "good behavior"? Why don't we just act as we normally would? Is it because we think if the other person knew the "real me" right away, they might not like us? Is it because we want them to see all the wonderful sides of us before they see the not-so-wonderful sides?
And what is good behavior, anyway? When I first got with Big Daddy, I wasn't on good behavior. I pretty much thought we'd just "hook up" occassionally and call it a day. Remember, he was supposed to be going back home to the south a couple weeks after we had our first encounter. So for the first month or so, I continued to see other men. I didn't tell Big Daddy because I didn't think it was relevant. I'd see him when it worked for both of us, and when it didn't, I'd see other men.
Now that we've been together for a while, I'm finally on good behavior. I never realized how HARD good behavior can be! I get voice mails, e-mails and text messages from prior paramours, and I have to make a decision on whether it's appropriate to respond or not. Before, I'd just respond without thinking. Now, I have to think about whether a response will step on Big Daddy's toes, hurt his feelings, or otherwise cause problems in the relationship. Yes, it's difficult for me sometimes. But I happily think about these things because I care about his toes, his feelings and the appropriateness of it all.
I don't think my idea of good behavior is the same as other people's ideas. When I was married to my second husband, he was definitely on good behavior right up until the wedding. I know what you're thinking... how does that happen? Didn't he show even a slight inkling of this behavior prior to the wedding? Well, no. Part of the problem was that I didn't truly get to know him before we got married. BIG MISTAKE! I knew him for a whole 2.5 months before we tied the knot. After the wedding, he became verbally abusive, demeaning and selfish. An excellent example of how people start out on good behavior and later on, let their real self show.
I recently had someone tell me that people don't really show their true colors until six months into the relationship. Me and Big Daddy finally made it to the six-month-mark. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait six months for him to show me what he's capable of. And more thankfully, we're not married. But it also shows that we all have character flaws. He's not abusive or demeaning, but he can be selfish at times. Armed with this knowledge, I can behave toward him appropriately. I'm on my toes, don't give him full access to my assets, and am careful with money. But I also know I'm physically safe when I'm with him. A sense of well being trumps having to be a little cautious.
Guess what folks? I've got some character flaws of my own. I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of that at all. My insecurity has gotten the best of me in the past and I've cheated so I'll feel wanted. I hate knowing this about myself. But I also believe in full disclosure and I told Big Daddy about it when we first got together. I don't know if he thought I'd never do it to him (like I thought back in December), but it happened. It was something that happened on a whim. Not unlike what he did to me, I just didn't think about him at the time or the consequences. Big Daddy and I didn't break up over my infidelity. But armed with that knowledge, he behaves appropriately with me. He now gives me more physical attention even if he's not in the mood and tells me he loves me more often. But he also knows that I'm honest to a fault and would support him in whatever he does. Apparently, an honest and supportive partner trumps having to occassionally stroke their ego.
We're still behaving these days. But at the same time, we're being ourselves. And that's another thing we love about being together - we can just be ourselves without judgement. And that trumps the other bullshit without question.
And what is good behavior, anyway? When I first got with Big Daddy, I wasn't on good behavior. I pretty much thought we'd just "hook up" occassionally and call it a day. Remember, he was supposed to be going back home to the south a couple weeks after we had our first encounter. So for the first month or so, I continued to see other men. I didn't tell Big Daddy because I didn't think it was relevant. I'd see him when it worked for both of us, and when it didn't, I'd see other men.
Now that we've been together for a while, I'm finally on good behavior. I never realized how HARD good behavior can be! I get voice mails, e-mails and text messages from prior paramours, and I have to make a decision on whether it's appropriate to respond or not. Before, I'd just respond without thinking. Now, I have to think about whether a response will step on Big Daddy's toes, hurt his feelings, or otherwise cause problems in the relationship. Yes, it's difficult for me sometimes. But I happily think about these things because I care about his toes, his feelings and the appropriateness of it all.
I don't think my idea of good behavior is the same as other people's ideas. When I was married to my second husband, he was definitely on good behavior right up until the wedding. I know what you're thinking... how does that happen? Didn't he show even a slight inkling of this behavior prior to the wedding? Well, no. Part of the problem was that I didn't truly get to know him before we got married. BIG MISTAKE! I knew him for a whole 2.5 months before we tied the knot. After the wedding, he became verbally abusive, demeaning and selfish. An excellent example of how people start out on good behavior and later on, let their real self show.
I recently had someone tell me that people don't really show their true colors until six months into the relationship. Me and Big Daddy finally made it to the six-month-mark. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait six months for him to show me what he's capable of. And more thankfully, we're not married. But it also shows that we all have character flaws. He's not abusive or demeaning, but he can be selfish at times. Armed with this knowledge, I can behave toward him appropriately. I'm on my toes, don't give him full access to my assets, and am careful with money. But I also know I'm physically safe when I'm with him. A sense of well being trumps having to be a little cautious.
Guess what folks? I've got some character flaws of my own. I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of that at all. My insecurity has gotten the best of me in the past and I've cheated so I'll feel wanted. I hate knowing this about myself. But I also believe in full disclosure and I told Big Daddy about it when we first got together. I don't know if he thought I'd never do it to him (like I thought back in December), but it happened. It was something that happened on a whim. Not unlike what he did to me, I just didn't think about him at the time or the consequences. Big Daddy and I didn't break up over my infidelity. But armed with that knowledge, he behaves appropriately with me. He now gives me more physical attention even if he's not in the mood and tells me he loves me more often. But he also knows that I'm honest to a fault and would support him in whatever he does. Apparently, an honest and supportive partner trumps having to occassionally stroke their ego.
We're still behaving these days. But at the same time, we're being ourselves. And that's another thing we love about being together - we can just be ourselves without judgement. And that trumps the other bullshit without question.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Keep On Keepin' On
Things have been moving along with Big Daddy. And yes, I'm aware that I'm back to calling him Big Daddy. It is what it is. Why try to deny it?
We have not moved back in together. That's not in the cards at this time. I'm not so naive that I would accept his apology and move him back in. That's just ridiculous. Currently, we spend more time apart than together. With him being those 35 miles away, it's not condusive to see each other every day.
When we do get together (every weekend), we spend much of our time with family. We do make it a point to spend one weekend evening completely alone. We've had a great intimate connection and I wouldn't miss it for the world. On the second night of the weekend, we stay with the family, usually completely separate from each other. I think this helps me keep things in prospective, but I don't know.
Today was a little weird. My car is getting completely overhauled (I won't go into the myriad of problems I've had with it) and is in the shop. We made arrangements for us to get together, and those plans fell through. I took it in stride. Shit happens. But Big Daddy was PISSED. I think that was the moment I realized that he missed me as much as, if not more than, I missed him. And upon that realization, I had an epiphany. I am insecure. But why? I thought I was past the feelings of inferiority that I had fought so hard to overcome.
When I lost my first husband to cancer, his last words to me were to tell me that he was ready to give up his fight and he was ready to die. And although he was sick and in pain, I understood those words to mean that a life with me was no longer worth fighting for. My mind has since told me those thoughts are ludicrous. But my self-esteem didn't really grasp it. Since then, I have driven many a worthy man away by convincing him I am not worthy. The incident with Big Daddy back in December hasn't helped matters. I don't know when it stopped being about this horrible thing he did, and turned into me deserving what I got.
Contemplating this strange turn of events has been eye-opening. And I know that I can start enjoying being with Big Daddy more, at the same time with both eyes open. I don't have to be on "good behavior". I can just be myself, which, surprisingly, is already behaving quite well. Who would have thunk it?
We have not moved back in together. That's not in the cards at this time. I'm not so naive that I would accept his apology and move him back in. That's just ridiculous. Currently, we spend more time apart than together. With him being those 35 miles away, it's not condusive to see each other every day.
When we do get together (every weekend), we spend much of our time with family. We do make it a point to spend one weekend evening completely alone. We've had a great intimate connection and I wouldn't miss it for the world. On the second night of the weekend, we stay with the family, usually completely separate from each other. I think this helps me keep things in prospective, but I don't know.
Today was a little weird. My car is getting completely overhauled (I won't go into the myriad of problems I've had with it) and is in the shop. We made arrangements for us to get together, and those plans fell through. I took it in stride. Shit happens. But Big Daddy was PISSED. I think that was the moment I realized that he missed me as much as, if not more than, I missed him. And upon that realization, I had an epiphany. I am insecure. But why? I thought I was past the feelings of inferiority that I had fought so hard to overcome.
When I lost my first husband to cancer, his last words to me were to tell me that he was ready to give up his fight and he was ready to die. And although he was sick and in pain, I understood those words to mean that a life with me was no longer worth fighting for. My mind has since told me those thoughts are ludicrous. But my self-esteem didn't really grasp it. Since then, I have driven many a worthy man away by convincing him I am not worthy. The incident with Big Daddy back in December hasn't helped matters. I don't know when it stopped being about this horrible thing he did, and turned into me deserving what I got.
Contemplating this strange turn of events has been eye-opening. And I know that I can start enjoying being with Big Daddy more, at the same time with both eyes open. I don't have to be on "good behavior". I can just be myself, which, surprisingly, is already behaving quite well. Who would have thunk it?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Too Much of a Good Thing?
Last weekend, XBD came to visit me for a long weekend. We had been talking regularly and despite being guarded, I wanted to spend some more time with him HERE, the place we had once called "our place". Who knew the weekend would be so eventful?
I had taken Friday off so I was home all day. We hadn't planned on him coming out until Friday evening. He called me mid-morning and we talked about him coming earlier so we could spend more time together. His cousin and a friend drove him out and we sat around talking for a while. The four of us then headed to a little local dive bar. We shared two pitchers of beer and decided to go get some food. We took off and, crap, got pulled over by the cops in my little one-horse town. It seems the friend had thrown a cigarette butt out the window. They pulled XBD out of the car and asked him where he was from. XBD told him and they asked him what he was doing in this area. He pointed to me and said they were visiting me. The officer proceeded to put XBD in the back of his car. He then pulled out his cousin, and then the friend. He frisked them, checked their licenses and questioned them all. He then came over and talked to me, asking me who they are. I told them who they all were to me, and he asked me if I had lived in that area all my life. I told him no, I had just moved there from the city, where I had lived for over a decade. He never once asked to see my license, or any sort of identification.
He asked me if I was okay to drive and I told him I was fine. He made XBD's cousin and friend get back in the car with me and had us follow him to the police station, where he gave XBD a breathalizer test. We assume he passed, because then the officer came out and said he was taking him to the local hospital where they would give him a blood test. He told us XBD would call us and we could pick him up from the hospital. We went back to the house and sat tight. When XBD did call about an hour or so later, he asked us to pick him up from the police station. We thought this was weird, but we headed out. As soon as I pulled off our street, the police were waiting to follow me there. I pulled in to the police station and went in to pick up XBD. I slowly realized that they didn't have me pick him up from the hospital because it's not in their municipality and they wouldn't be able to follow me. I think they really just wanted to verify that I lived where I said I did, but who knows?
Once we got out of the police station, we went back to our original plans of getting food. We also had several pitchers of beer before heading home. XBD and I insisted that the cousin and friend stay at our place but the friend insisted otherwise and they left after midnight. XBD and I were nervous about this, but they left anyway. Thank heavens, they made it home okay.
We woke up Saturday and had some intimate time together. It was.... different. In a good way. I don't like going into details like that, so I won't. But let's just say I was very much satisfied, but I wanted more. I knew we would be together for a couple more days so I didn't sweat it.
On Sunday, I got to drive in slippery snow for the first time. It was horrifying but XBD helped me through it. Yes, I've lived in Pittsburgh since 1996, but I had managed to NEVER drive in snow the whole time. When I told XBD that it was my first time driving in it, he was surprised I didn't panic more than I did. Having lived in L.A. for so many years, driving comes naturally to me, but so does knowing where I am and where I'm going. I know L.A. like the back of my hand, but the Pittsburgh area has always baffled me.
Later that day, we watched the Steelers win the AFC championship. In the last four minutes of the game, the Ravens offense took the field. XBD had worn down his fingernails biting them and he was uber-nervous. I calmly looked at him and said, "Flacco hasn't been on the field in over half an hour, he's cold, he's throwing an interception and Polamalu is getting it". Next thing we know, that's exactly what happened. We were screaming and jumping and hugging each other. I called everything but the touchdown. Our cell phones started ringing off the hook; his calls came from his family in Florida, mine came from my family in L.A.
Monday was a holiday and I was off work. We spent the day inside, cuddling in the recliner watching TV. We didn't seem to be on the same page intimately and I guess we crossed signals somewhere. Basically, I think we both wanted it but neither was inclined to ask for it.
Monday night, I got a call from the brother of my first husband, who died of cancer back in early 1991. I have remained close to the family and he called me to ask me to come back to L.A. for a memorial service in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Folks, he's been gone for 18 years and they've never had a memorial service for him. There was no way I could get time off in that short of time, having just gotten a promotion. The weeks before the anniversary of his death is always a hard time for me emotionally. I'm typically very melancholy, angry and in tears much of the time, even with the passing of time. This made things even worse for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to make the memorial for him. By the end of my phone conversation, I was a blubbering mess, unable to speak or do anything more than sob. XBD was very understanding, and held me and tried to comfort me.
He stayed home and caulked roomies tub on Tuesday while I went to work. I knew he was planning on going to his son's basketball game that night. He headed out late that afternoon. I told him I wouldn't see him the following weekend because I wanted to give him some time to bond with his son. He told me he'd give me a call after the game.
After this long weekend, I was feeling disconnected again. Despite the intimacy, the cuddling, the time we spent together, I was feeling "some kind of way". I was pissed at him and I didn't know why. It could have been because the anniversary of my entry into widowhood was coming, I don't know. I decided I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Apparently, he felt the same way. He never called me.
I had taken Friday off so I was home all day. We hadn't planned on him coming out until Friday evening. He called me mid-morning and we talked about him coming earlier so we could spend more time together. His cousin and a friend drove him out and we sat around talking for a while. The four of us then headed to a little local dive bar. We shared two pitchers of beer and decided to go get some food. We took off and, crap, got pulled over by the cops in my little one-horse town. It seems the friend had thrown a cigarette butt out the window. They pulled XBD out of the car and asked him where he was from. XBD told him and they asked him what he was doing in this area. He pointed to me and said they were visiting me. The officer proceeded to put XBD in the back of his car. He then pulled out his cousin, and then the friend. He frisked them, checked their licenses and questioned them all. He then came over and talked to me, asking me who they are. I told them who they all were to me, and he asked me if I had lived in that area all my life. I told him no, I had just moved there from the city, where I had lived for over a decade. He never once asked to see my license, or any sort of identification.
He asked me if I was okay to drive and I told him I was fine. He made XBD's cousin and friend get back in the car with me and had us follow him to the police station, where he gave XBD a breathalizer test. We assume he passed, because then the officer came out and said he was taking him to the local hospital where they would give him a blood test. He told us XBD would call us and we could pick him up from the hospital. We went back to the house and sat tight. When XBD did call about an hour or so later, he asked us to pick him up from the police station. We thought this was weird, but we headed out. As soon as I pulled off our street, the police were waiting to follow me there. I pulled in to the police station and went in to pick up XBD. I slowly realized that they didn't have me pick him up from the hospital because it's not in their municipality and they wouldn't be able to follow me. I think they really just wanted to verify that I lived where I said I did, but who knows?
Once we got out of the police station, we went back to our original plans of getting food. We also had several pitchers of beer before heading home. XBD and I insisted that the cousin and friend stay at our place but the friend insisted otherwise and they left after midnight. XBD and I were nervous about this, but they left anyway. Thank heavens, they made it home okay.
We woke up Saturday and had some intimate time together. It was.... different. In a good way. I don't like going into details like that, so I won't. But let's just say I was very much satisfied, but I wanted more. I knew we would be together for a couple more days so I didn't sweat it.
On Sunday, I got to drive in slippery snow for the first time. It was horrifying but XBD helped me through it. Yes, I've lived in Pittsburgh since 1996, but I had managed to NEVER drive in snow the whole time. When I told XBD that it was my first time driving in it, he was surprised I didn't panic more than I did. Having lived in L.A. for so many years, driving comes naturally to me, but so does knowing where I am and where I'm going. I know L.A. like the back of my hand, but the Pittsburgh area has always baffled me.
Later that day, we watched the Steelers win the AFC championship. In the last four minutes of the game, the Ravens offense took the field. XBD had worn down his fingernails biting them and he was uber-nervous. I calmly looked at him and said, "Flacco hasn't been on the field in over half an hour, he's cold, he's throwing an interception and Polamalu is getting it". Next thing we know, that's exactly what happened. We were screaming and jumping and hugging each other. I called everything but the touchdown. Our cell phones started ringing off the hook; his calls came from his family in Florida, mine came from my family in L.A.
Monday was a holiday and I was off work. We spent the day inside, cuddling in the recliner watching TV. We didn't seem to be on the same page intimately and I guess we crossed signals somewhere. Basically, I think we both wanted it but neither was inclined to ask for it.
Monday night, I got a call from the brother of my first husband, who died of cancer back in early 1991. I have remained close to the family and he called me to ask me to come back to L.A. for a memorial service in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Folks, he's been gone for 18 years and they've never had a memorial service for him. There was no way I could get time off in that short of time, having just gotten a promotion. The weeks before the anniversary of his death is always a hard time for me emotionally. I'm typically very melancholy, angry and in tears much of the time, even with the passing of time. This made things even worse for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to make the memorial for him. By the end of my phone conversation, I was a blubbering mess, unable to speak or do anything more than sob. XBD was very understanding, and held me and tried to comfort me.
He stayed home and caulked roomies tub on Tuesday while I went to work. I knew he was planning on going to his son's basketball game that night. He headed out late that afternoon. I told him I wouldn't see him the following weekend because I wanted to give him some time to bond with his son. He told me he'd give me a call after the game.
After this long weekend, I was feeling disconnected again. Despite the intimacy, the cuddling, the time we spent together, I was feeling "some kind of way". I was pissed at him and I didn't know why. It could have been because the anniversary of my entry into widowhood was coming, I don't know. I decided I wouldn't talk to him for a while. Apparently, he felt the same way. He never called me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Life in the Slow Lane
Ah love..... such a wonderful emotion, the anticipation of seeing that special someone..... oh who am I kidding? Love can be tricky sometimes.
I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.
On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.
Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.
Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.
I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.
I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.
On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.
Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.
Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.
I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Where Do We Go From Here?
Good evening friends! It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I haven't posted on this blog because there hasn't been much in the relationship aspect of my life lately. XBD and I recently started talking again after two weeks of very little contact. Those two weeks consisted of me working a whole lot of overtime to take my mind off of things.
He got a new phone number today and we talked a bit. I'm so torn right now. I'm still so in love with him and it's hard to let go of that feeling. We both made so many mistakes in our relationship, and we took each other for granted. These past couple of weeks gave us time to put things in prospective, because we probably only talked twice.
His daughter had her baby yesterday, which is really what started us talking. From what I understand, she's a beautiful baby girl. I talked to his daughter, who was keeping me abreast on the labor, and told her I would come out this weekend and see the baby. XBD and I agreed we'd spend some time together outside of visiting his new granddaughter. I spoke very openly to him today, less guarded than normal, and told him I missed him. His response was, "there's no possible way you can miss me more than I miss you". He asked me when I was coming out this weekend and I told him I wasn't sure. He asked me if I would stay the whole weekend. I told him I would come out Friday and we'd see how things went.
Folks, I don't want getting back together with XBD to be a goal right now. I'd like to spend time with him. But we need to take things VERY slowly. We dove into this relationship and didn't set any ground rules for each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't have to tell someone not to take my ATM card and our roommates car. I'm really mad at him for ruining that special relationship we had. I'm pissed off that he abused the trust I had in him. I'm also confused about whether he learned a valuable lesson about losing someone because of something stupid he did, or maybe the valuable lesson was that he can do stupid things and know that, eventually, I'll come back to him. And that's the one thing that grates on me the most.
I started thinking that maybe I thought the relationship was better than it really was. Was I running him off so well that he took that opportunity to ruin things with me so he had an out? I had no idea. I finally broke down today and asked him if he thought we had a good relationship. He said, "Yeah, I thought so. Why? Didn't you?" I said I thought we did as well, but I didn't know if I was looking at it all a little skewed, and I never knew what he was thinking. He said he loved me, he always had, and always would.
So where do we go from here? We once had our relationship planned out. We knew what we were doing from one day to the next, and had things planned weeks in advance. We don't do that anymore. With the exception of our plans to spend time together this weekend, we're just taking it minute by minute.
He got a new phone number today and we talked a bit. I'm so torn right now. I'm still so in love with him and it's hard to let go of that feeling. We both made so many mistakes in our relationship, and we took each other for granted. These past couple of weeks gave us time to put things in prospective, because we probably only talked twice.
His daughter had her baby yesterday, which is really what started us talking. From what I understand, she's a beautiful baby girl. I talked to his daughter, who was keeping me abreast on the labor, and told her I would come out this weekend and see the baby. XBD and I agreed we'd spend some time together outside of visiting his new granddaughter. I spoke very openly to him today, less guarded than normal, and told him I missed him. His response was, "there's no possible way you can miss me more than I miss you". He asked me when I was coming out this weekend and I told him I wasn't sure. He asked me if I would stay the whole weekend. I told him I would come out Friday and we'd see how things went.
Folks, I don't want getting back together with XBD to be a goal right now. I'd like to spend time with him. But we need to take things VERY slowly. We dove into this relationship and didn't set any ground rules for each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't have to tell someone not to take my ATM card and our roommates car. I'm really mad at him for ruining that special relationship we had. I'm pissed off that he abused the trust I had in him. I'm also confused about whether he learned a valuable lesson about losing someone because of something stupid he did, or maybe the valuable lesson was that he can do stupid things and know that, eventually, I'll come back to him. And that's the one thing that grates on me the most.
I started thinking that maybe I thought the relationship was better than it really was. Was I running him off so well that he took that opportunity to ruin things with me so he had an out? I had no idea. I finally broke down today and asked him if he thought we had a good relationship. He said, "Yeah, I thought so. Why? Didn't you?" I said I thought we did as well, but I didn't know if I was looking at it all a little skewed, and I never knew what he was thinking. He said he loved me, he always had, and always would.
So where do we go from here? We once had our relationship planned out. We knew what we were doing from one day to the next, and had things planned weeks in advance. We don't do that anymore. With the exception of our plans to spend time together this weekend, we're just taking it minute by minute.
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