Keep On Keepin' On

Things have been moving along with Big Daddy. And yes, I'm aware that I'm back to calling him Big Daddy. It is what it is. Why try to deny it?

We have not moved back in together. That's not in the cards at this time. I'm not so naive that I would accept his apology and move him back in. That's just ridiculous. Currently, we spend more time apart than together. With him being those 35 miles away, it's not condusive to see each other every day.

When we do get together (every weekend), we spend much of our time with family. We do make it a point to spend one weekend evening completely alone. We've had a great intimate connection and I wouldn't miss it for the world. On the second night of the weekend, we stay with the family, usually completely separate from each other. I think this helps me keep things in prospective, but I don't know.

Today was a little weird. My car is getting completely overhauled (I won't go into the myriad of problems I've had with it) and is in the shop. We made arrangements for us to get together, and those plans fell through. I took it in stride. Shit happens. But Big Daddy was PISSED. I think that was the moment I realized that he missed me as much as, if not more than, I missed him. And upon that realization, I had an epiphany. I am insecure. But why? I thought I was past the feelings of inferiority that I had fought so hard to overcome.

When I lost my first husband to cancer, his last words to me were to tell me that he was ready to give up his fight and he was ready to die. And although he was sick and in pain, I understood those words to mean that a life with me was no longer worth fighting for. My mind has since told me those thoughts are ludicrous. But my self-esteem didn't really grasp it. Since then, I have driven many a worthy man away by convincing him I am not worthy. The incident with Big Daddy back in December hasn't helped matters. I don't know when it stopped being about this horrible thing he did, and turned into me deserving what I got.

Contemplating this strange turn of events has been eye-opening. And I know that I can start enjoying being with Big Daddy more, at the same time with both eyes open. I don't have to be on "good behavior". I can just be myself, which, surprisingly, is already behaving quite well. Who would have thunk it?