Oh, Behave!

I was just reading my most recent blog and noticed I said something about being on good behavior, and it got me thinking. Folks, why do we start out relationships being on "good behavior"? Why don't we just act as we normally would? Is it because we think if the other person knew the "real me" right away, they might not like us? Is it because we want them to see all the wonderful sides of us before they see the not-so-wonderful sides?

And what is good behavior, anyway? When I first got with Big Daddy, I wasn't on good behavior. I pretty much thought we'd just "hook up" occassionally and call it a day. Remember, he was supposed to be going back home to the south a couple weeks after we had our first encounter. So for the first month or so, I continued to see other men. I didn't tell Big Daddy because I didn't think it was relevant. I'd see him when it worked for both of us, and when it didn't, I'd see other men.

Now that we've been together for a while, I'm finally on good behavior. I never realized how HARD good behavior can be! I get voice mails, e-mails and text messages from prior paramours, and I have to make a decision on whether it's appropriate to respond or not. Before, I'd just respond without thinking. Now, I have to think about whether a response will step on Big Daddy's toes, hurt his feelings, or otherwise cause problems in the relationship. Yes, it's difficult for me sometimes. But I happily think about these things because I care about his toes, his feelings and the appropriateness of it all.

I don't think my idea of good behavior is the same as other people's ideas. When I was married to my second husband, he was definitely on good behavior right up until the wedding. I know what you're thinking... how does that happen? Didn't he show even a slight inkling of this behavior prior to the wedding? Well, no. Part of the problem was that I didn't truly get to know him before we got married. BIG MISTAKE! I knew him for a whole 2.5 months before we tied the knot. After the wedding, he became verbally abusive, demeaning and selfish. An excellent example of how people start out on good behavior and later on, let their real self show.

I recently had someone tell me that people don't really show their true colors until six months into the relationship. Me and Big Daddy finally made it to the six-month-mark. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait six months for him to show me what he's capable of. And more thankfully, we're not married. But it also shows that we all have character flaws. He's not abusive or demeaning, but he can be selfish at times. Armed with this knowledge, I can behave toward him appropriately. I'm on my toes, don't give him full access to my assets, and am careful with money. But I also know I'm physically safe when I'm with him. A sense of well being trumps having to be a little cautious.

Guess what folks? I've got some character flaws of my own. I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of that at all. My insecurity has gotten the best of me in the past and I've cheated so I'll feel wanted. I hate knowing this about myself. But I also believe in full disclosure and I told Big Daddy about it when we first got together. I don't know if he thought I'd never do it to him (like I thought back in December), but it happened. It was something that happened on a whim. Not unlike what he did to me, I just didn't think about him at the time or the consequences. Big Daddy and I didn't break up over my infidelity. But armed with that knowledge, he behaves appropriately with me. He now gives me more physical attention even if he's not in the mood and tells me he loves me more often. But he also knows that I'm honest to a fault and would support him in whatever he does. Apparently, an honest and supportive partner trumps having to occassionally stroke their ego.

We're still behaving these days. But at the same time, we're being ourselves. And that's another thing we love about being together - we can just be ourselves without judgement. And that trumps the other bullshit without question.