As Time Goes By...

I've been back from Florida for two weeks now and I'm back to my old routine. I talk to XBD about three times a day. In our talks, we would discuss our day to day activities. When he first got down there, XBD got a cell phone with a Florida number because his mom had to pay for long distance and he didn't want her to have to pay for it if she needed something while he was out. Then as the days went by, he would go to work with a cousin, doing construction. I slowly realized, he wasn't just helping his mom anymore, he was living there. Before I left, he had promised to be back in four to five more weeks. But after I left I realized that if he was going to work and leaving his mom alone, well he couldn't be much help to her. This got me thinking.

If XBD was indeed living down there now, how long was this going to be? He had spent much of his life going back and forth between PA and Florida, and I was hoping this wasn't an extension of that time. I wondered if he had changed his mind about when, or if, he would return. This started scaring me. What if he decided to stay there and didn't know how to tell me? I obsessed about this for a week and it finally blew up.

I tried to see both sides. Maybe he was really going to be back soon and I was being paranoid. This spun me into my own reasons for being paranoid. The fact that he was with another woman at his birthday party was the main reason. That had been the turning point in our emotional relationship. This had turned me suspicious about everything he did, and everyone he spoke to. I'm not proud of that person I'd become and she's still around. Instead of just asking XBD about his plans, I got offended by something he said and told him things were over. I told him that I needed space. I then started packing up his things and promptly told him I was sending them down. He was totally taken aback. He asked me why I was throwing away our relationship (he actually said relationship!) because he said something that he probably shouldn't have. I realized how stupid I had been acting and I said no, I didn't want to end things.

I then told XBD about my concerns about him coming back and he told me that he would be back no later than May 15. He told me that he wants us to work things out, and he was really sorry that he offended me, that wasn't his intent. I told him I was sorry I overreacted and XBD accepted my apology. We were back to talking three times a day (we only missed two days).

A few days later, I remembered I had bought a card for XBD and I got it out and proceeded to write a letter to put inside. I told him that I owed him an explanation about my behavior. I told him that I think sometimes I might start a fight because I feel like maybe he's not feeling the same about me anymore, so I try to break it off with me before he can hurt me. I told him about how much I hate being paranoid about something that happened almost a year ago. But then I wrote to XBD that sometimes, in the midst of my paranoia, I have moments of clarity and I realize how I'm so happy with him. I told him that I guess I let go of all the bullshit and feel really secure with him. I told him when I allow myself to just let go of the past, it's just heaven. I told him that I was going to work to forget those things because they're only giving me grief, and holding us back.

I sent that card and letter yesterday. I don't know what XBD will think or say about it. But I can say that I was honest, sincere, and grateful to him for putting up with my shenanigans. Truth be told, I think he will be proud of me for admitting to my own faults. I think he will be happy that I expressed that I was happy sharing my life with him.

I realized that I was forgetting about some of those things yesterday, when I scheduled a day off work in preparation for us to attend a huge party that happens every Labor Day. This was the party that we had gotten together at, two years ago. I smiled to myself when I realized that Labor Day is four months away, and I was making plans for us that far in advance. Guess that means we'll still be together, doesn't it?

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

When XBD went south to care for his ailing mother, living alone again took some getting used to. Don't get me wrong, I'm very self-sufficient. But not having him to share those little day-to-day things had me feeling lonely. I busied myself with friends and functions, but dammit, I missed XBD. Sleeping alone left me feeling empty, without him reaching out to me and pulling me close. He knows how much I hate the south (sorry folks) so he didn't ask me to visit. But when I asked him how he'd feel if I went down there, he jumped at it. The cheapest flight was three weeks away, but at that point, he had only been gone a little more than a week. I gave all the details to XBD and he was just ecstatic. He made more than one joke about me "meeting the Fockers".

Two weeks before my trip, he called me and told me he was at an uncle's house, borrowing a pair of shoes. I asked him why, and he said, "well, I need some nice shoes to go with the outfit I picked out for when I pick you up at the airport". Stunned, I started to tear up. This man, this man's man who had so many women in the past, was picking out an outfit to wear when he saw ME! People, this is female behavior, not male behavior. Especially since we've been together for over a year. I mentioned it to a male co-worker and he confirmed that this is quite a rare thing for men to do, especially XBD and then he said, and I quote, "he really loves you". I really appreciate these little things he does nowadays, these little things that just show me how much he loves me without saying a word.

I made the trip down and he met me in the airport. It was so nice to see him again and we stood there hugging and kissing for a good while. We detangled and headed to his mom's house. She was a wonderful lady. She tells it like it is (like me), and really likes going the extra mile for people. She was also visibly in pain and quite ill. We chit-chatted and went to the bedroom to get my things in order. XBD closed the door behind us and we were intimate. It was almost awkward at first but as we familiarized ourselves, it was just us again.

The days I spent there were a blur of wonderful family moments. I met all of his immediate family members, and a few uncles and cousins too. I got along with everyone and XBD has since told me how much they all love me. Being around his family has given me another reason to believe that he loves me. They all made me feel very much at home around them. But I also felt like they were on good behavior on my behalf. Houses had been cleaned in my honor, dinners had been created and served, and children were on their best behavior. I pulled a sister-in-law aside and told her how much I appreciated everything, but they really didn't need to go out of their way for me. She laughed and said, "oh yes we did, made it clear that you were coming, he wanted us to meet you, and we better make sure we act right and not embarrass him!". I laughed too, but it made me realize that he wasn't worried about his family liking me at all, he was worried about me liking his family. But of course, I did.

When it came time for me to leave, I went to XBD's mom and thanked her for welcoming me into her home and she got teary-eyed and said, "I don't want you to leave! Can't you get a job around here and live here?" It was touching, because I knew that she didn't want me to leave because she didn't want XBD to leave, and if I stayed he would stay. Even him mom could tell that he loved me and wanted to be with me. She also expressed how sad he would be after I left and then added, "I can go get the minister now!". XBD and I looked at each other incredulously.

XBD and an uncle took me to the airport and we stopped in an airport bar for a couple drinks. We had a really nice chat, just talking about when we were children and how life has changed since then. When XBD got up, his uncle told me that he could really tell he loves me because he had never heard XBD tell any girl that he loved her before, and he had heard him tell me that a half-dozen times. He later told XBD that he was going to make sure he has a clean suit handy for the wedding.

Room With a View

Wow, I just read my last blog and I have to say folks, it's come a long way since then. I guess you're all wondering, did XBD and I stay together? Did we part ways? Did we remain friends? Are we no longer talking? What is it?

Well, here's the truth. XBD and I are still together. And our relationship is nothing like it was before. In December, I moved out of the place I had with my roomie. She was a great roommate, doing things for me of which I'm so very appreciative. But it was time for me to move on. My car officially died, and living in the suburbs was no longer working for me. Not to mention, XBD was never really comfortable there. He wasn't a factor, really. I wanted back to the city and when a friend of mine was moving out of her one bedroom apartment, I pounced.

About a month prior to this move, I had cheated and I think that was the turning point. I'm very honest, and told XBD about it and, of course, he wasn't happy. But I think it got him thinking and he realized that I wasn't going to just sit around and wait for him anymore. I'm an attractive, fun-loving woman, and I wanted to have some fun. XBD had always been my first choice, but I'm smart enough to know that if he's not feeling the same way about me, I had to move on. Please don't get it wrong, I was with someone else because I thought our relationship was ending, not because I was trying to hurt him.

XBD and his cousin helped me move. I've always hated moving and now I know why; it's because I didn't have those two guys helping me. The move was flawless. We came into the city on the first Friday in December. I showed XBD the apartment for the first time that day. It's a tiny little place and I'm always telling people it's the size of a tuna can. But it's something I can afford alone, and that's important. XBD loved it. We went out that evening, and the next day, we got started moving. I was afraid that our first stop, my ex-husband's, was going to be stressful. He had been a little ornery about the time I came but we worked everything out. I warned him ahead of time that my boyfriend would be helping. He was okay with it, as he now has a girlfriend (thank you God!). We went into the house and he wasn't there. We quickly moved out all the planned items (couch, loveseat, end table, bed, bar, and a cabinet) and he never showed up. We moved the items into the apartment and headed back to the old place to get our stuff. We were done by 8:00pm.

Once we got everything in, XBD made his way around the apartment to see where we would put everything. He walked in the bedroom and looked out the window and said, "Baby, we got us a room with a view!" And it was true. You can see the buildings of downtown from our bedroom. All those times we drove into the city, we'd come around the bend on 376 and he'd say, "there it is, the most beautiful sight in the world". He really loves Pittsburgh and he was just overwhelmed by the view of his new bedroom.

Since that move, we've been together ever since. We live in the city now, which XBD absolutely loves. Of course, I love it too. I'm a big city girl, and I spent enough time in Westmoreland County. Every day that he's not working, XBD gets up and offers to make me breakfast. He also makes a nice lunch for me and puts love notes in my lunch. Yes, every single day. Every night, he meets me after work and walks me home. We get home and just talk and spend the evening together. Saturday mornings, or whenever the mood hits us, we put music on and dance in the living room. Sometimes it's slow dancing, sometimes it out-right booty-shaking, hip-swinging, club music. We have so much fun together. Even when one of us is gone for just a few hours, the other will text saying "miss you". And we really mean it.

There's something special that happens between XBD and I on quite a regular basis. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, not that! Although that happens too. BUT, there will be times when he'll be sitting on the couch and I'll be walking past and he'll reach out and take my hand. I then come down and sit on the couch across his legs, and we hold each other. We sit like this for anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, just holding each other quietly. I feel like these are the times where we really show each other how we feel. We don't say a word, we just hold each other.

Right now, XBD is back down in Florida. His mom has been really sick and he went to see her. I'll be going down to see them in five short days. We've spent three weeks apart, more than we've spent apart since that first weekend move. I really hate Florida, but I love him and he wants his family to meet me. When I come home four days later, he'll be coming with me.

Last night, I was doing things around the house. Since the weather was warmer, I had all the windows and blinds open to let the breeze air out the winter doldrums. While in the bedroom getting a suitcase, I happened to glance up and the view stopped me in my tracks. It was later afternoon and the sun was just starting to get lower in the sky. It illuminated the downtown buildings and it was just breathtaking. I was sad that XBD wasn't there to see it, so I took a picture.

Yes indeed Baby, we got us a room with a view.