As Time Goes By...

I've been back from Florida for two weeks now and I'm back to my old routine. I talk to XBD about three times a day. In our talks, we would discuss our day to day activities. When he first got down there, XBD got a cell phone with a Florida number because his mom had to pay for long distance and he didn't want her to have to pay for it if she needed something while he was out. Then as the days went by, he would go to work with a cousin, doing construction. I slowly realized, he wasn't just helping his mom anymore, he was living there. Before I left, he had promised to be back in four to five more weeks. But after I left I realized that if he was going to work and leaving his mom alone, well he couldn't be much help to her. This got me thinking.

If XBD was indeed living down there now, how long was this going to be? He had spent much of his life going back and forth between PA and Florida, and I was hoping this wasn't an extension of that time. I wondered if he had changed his mind about when, or if, he would return. This started scaring me. What if he decided to stay there and didn't know how to tell me? I obsessed about this for a week and it finally blew up.

I tried to see both sides. Maybe he was really going to be back soon and I was being paranoid. This spun me into my own reasons for being paranoid. The fact that he was with another woman at his birthday party was the main reason. That had been the turning point in our emotional relationship. This had turned me suspicious about everything he did, and everyone he spoke to. I'm not proud of that person I'd become and she's still around. Instead of just asking XBD about his plans, I got offended by something he said and told him things were over. I told him that I needed space. I then started packing up his things and promptly told him I was sending them down. He was totally taken aback. He asked me why I was throwing away our relationship (he actually said relationship!) because he said something that he probably shouldn't have. I realized how stupid I had been acting and I said no, I didn't want to end things.

I then told XBD about my concerns about him coming back and he told me that he would be back no later than May 15. He told me that he wants us to work things out, and he was really sorry that he offended me, that wasn't his intent. I told him I was sorry I overreacted and XBD accepted my apology. We were back to talking three times a day (we only missed two days).

A few days later, I remembered I had bought a card for XBD and I got it out and proceeded to write a letter to put inside. I told him that I owed him an explanation about my behavior. I told him that I think sometimes I might start a fight because I feel like maybe he's not feeling the same about me anymore, so I try to break it off with me before he can hurt me. I told him about how much I hate being paranoid about something that happened almost a year ago. But then I wrote to XBD that sometimes, in the midst of my paranoia, I have moments of clarity and I realize how I'm so happy with him. I told him that I guess I let go of all the bullshit and feel really secure with him. I told him when I allow myself to just let go of the past, it's just heaven. I told him that I was going to work to forget those things because they're only giving me grief, and holding us back.

I sent that card and letter yesterday. I don't know what XBD will think or say about it. But I can say that I was honest, sincere, and grateful to him for putting up with my shenanigans. Truth be told, I think he will be proud of me for admitting to my own faults. I think he will be happy that I expressed that I was happy sharing my life with him.

I realized that I was forgetting about some of those things yesterday, when I scheduled a day off work in preparation for us to attend a huge party that happens every Labor Day. This was the party that we had gotten together at, two years ago. I smiled to myself when I realized that Labor Day is four months away, and I was making plans for us that far in advance. Guess that means we'll still be together, doesn't it?