Where Do We Go From Here?

Good evening friends! It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I haven't posted on this blog because there hasn't been much in the relationship aspect of my life lately. XBD and I recently started talking again after two weeks of very little contact. Those two weeks consisted of me working a whole lot of overtime to take my mind off of things.

He got a new phone number today and we talked a bit. I'm so torn right now. I'm still so in love with him and it's hard to let go of that feeling. We both made so many mistakes in our relationship, and we took each other for granted. These past couple of weeks gave us time to put things in prospective, because we probably only talked twice.

His daughter had her baby yesterday, which is really what started us talking. From what I understand, she's a beautiful baby girl. I talked to his daughter, who was keeping me abreast on the labor, and told her I would come out this weekend and see the baby. XBD and I agreed we'd spend some time together outside of visiting his new granddaughter. I spoke very openly to him today, less guarded than normal, and told him I missed him. His response was, "there's no possible way you can miss me more than I miss you". He asked me when I was coming out this weekend and I told him I wasn't sure. He asked me if I would stay the whole weekend. I told him I would come out Friday and we'd see how things went.

Folks, I don't want getting back together with XBD to be a goal right now. I'd like to spend time with him. But we need to take things VERY slowly. We dove into this relationship and didn't set any ground rules for each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't have to tell someone not to take my ATM card and our roommates car. I'm really mad at him for ruining that special relationship we had. I'm pissed off that he abused the trust I had in him. I'm also confused about whether he learned a valuable lesson about losing someone because of something stupid he did, or maybe the valuable lesson was that he can do stupid things and know that, eventually, I'll come back to him. And that's the one thing that grates on me the most.

I started thinking that maybe I thought the relationship was better than it really was. Was I running him off so well that he took that opportunity to ruin things with me so he had an out? I had no idea. I finally broke down today and asked him if he thought we had a good relationship. He said, "Yeah, I thought so. Why? Didn't you?" I said I thought we did as well, but I didn't know if I was looking at it all a little skewed, and I never knew what he was thinking. He said he loved me, he always had, and always would.

So where do we go from here? We once had our relationship planned out. We knew what we were doing from one day to the next, and had things planned weeks in advance. We don't do that anymore. With the exception of our plans to spend time together this weekend, we're just taking it minute by minute.