Life in the Slow Lane

Ah love..... such a wonderful emotion, the anticipation of seeing that special someone..... oh who am I kidding? Love can be tricky sometimes.

I went to see XBD a couple of weekends ago. We spent Friday evening together getting a drink and talking, as well as celebrating a promotion I had just learned I got that very afternoon. We carried things over to the little hotel we always stayed at. We talked some more and spent some intimate time together. It was like I always remembered it and I was over the moon. Despite that, I was still guarded emotionally and it felt different being around him. I remembered my roommate telling me how she was amazed at how I could just disconnect from people sometimes. And at that very moment, I knew that I had disconnected from XBD and it made me sad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally from him. Immediately after we were intimate, I got up and said, "let's go back out". It kept me from really feeling any sort of connection we once had. We went out and stayed out until we were so tired that we just collapsed when we returned to the room.

On Saturday morning, we went to see his granddaughter. I was really hoping she would be cute so I wouldn't have to lie and say she was. But I couldn't call her cute. She's not cute at all. What she is, is a beautiful little creature. Babies are rarely beautiful, but she is. I held her while she slept and she was just so peaceful. XBD hadn't held her and didn't want to. XBD can be a little careless and gawky so I saw his point. But when he saw me holding her, I knew he couldn't hold back. I knew he WANTED to hold her, but didn't think he could. I had him sit down and get comfortable. I then placed her in his arms. He talked to her and gave her a nickname at only four days old. It was a beautiful sight to see. Then he draped her in Steelers gear and we took some pictures. It was a precious time. It's the first time anyone close to me became a grandparent and it was touching.

Saturday afternoon was spent at XBD's aunt and uncle's house, watching NFL playoffs, drinking beer and laughing. I have to say at this point that this part of his family are very special people. They are so open and welcoming, your basic "salt of the earth" people. We had a great day and decided to stay there for the night. To thank them for allowing me to use their house as a crash pad, I made plans to go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and buy the ingredients for my famous meatloaf for everyone to eat during the Steelers playoff game. XBD made himself comfortable on the floor, giving me the comfort of the recliner. We dozed off and slept soundly. When we awoke in the morning, someone said, "you spent the night, you're family now". It was funny but yet still comforting. It felt great to have someone say that. I have no family near me, and after leaving a relationship that was over a decade, it was nice to feel part of one again.

Sunday morning XBD and I woke up and ventured to the grocery store. I got all the ingredients for meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, we picked up beer too. We wanted to just chill out at the house and watch the game there, but we had several invites to different places to watch. We felt extremely obligated to one place and stopped there for about an hour before the game started, while the meatloaf was cooking. We returned in time to pull it out of the oven and mash the potatoes. People, the meatloaf was a hit. I made a four-pounder and every morsel was gone. I was proud of my recipe, but yet still humbled that everyone found something that I made so good.

I went home Sunday evening and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a nice weekend, despite feeling uncomfortable a bit of the time. But really, it was nice to be told I'm part of a family again, even if I'm not really related to them. Feeling this way allowed me to ignore my feelings about being with XBD. I knew I still loved him. We would look at each other across a room and smile, or blow a kiss to each other. These things came naturally to me. But actually FEELING that love is something I'm just not ready to allow myself to do yet.