Middle of the End?

I consider my Blind-Sided posts to be the beginning of the end for me and ex-Big Daddy (XBD). I can only assume that what's happening now is the middle of the end.

I don't know what causes me to be drawn so heavily to XBD. I think he made me feel so good that I didn't want to give that up. Even after he made me feel so bad. Whatever the case may be, I spent a few days over Christmas with him. A friend of mine was going to NYC for the holidays to see her family and she let me stay at her apartment in the city. XBD and I had been talking and were both going to be alone. Since we had planned on spending the holiday together anyway, we talked about getting together.

As the days led up to Christmas, I got this uneasy feeling about us getting together. I wasn't uneasy about being with him, I was uneasy that he would cancel and I would truly be stuck alone. On Christmas Eve, I hadn't talked to him in two days and I was sick to my stomach. Eating wasn't even possible. He finally called me and we made plans to meet. I packed up some of his clothes in a bag and met him locally.

We drove into the city and stayed at my friend's apartment. It was a rough Christmas. We just couldn't get on the same page emotionally. I was trying to just enjoy our time together, and not think about the past. I made the choice to be with him because I still love him, not to be a bitch. He was stand-offish because I think he was expecting me to be a bitch.

The days passed and we managed to get on track. We agreed that we love each other, but living together isn't possible right now. He talked about paying me back and getting his life in order. We hugged, kissed and I knew I was stupid for doing it. I couldn't help it. I loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know why.

Saturday we headed out of the city to take him home. We agreed that we could stay at the little local motel there. We never made it there. We stopped for a drink and he ran into a friend. The friend said some things that didn't sit right with me. I won't go into it, but it made me question XBD's love for me. The friend insisted that he loves me, but I wasn't buying it. XBD took his bag out of my trunk and walked off. As I started to drive away, I rationalized that I was letting something that someone else said come between us. I stopped and waved him over. He started walking toward me when another friend pulled up and called out to him. He went over to that friend and got in the car. I turned around and started driving home. This was a symbol of so many aspects of our relationship.

He texted me several times, asking me how the car was running. He told me he loved me, but didn't want me to bitch at him. I told him I had no plans to bitch at him. But he wouldn't call me. He refused. I left him a couple messages. I begged him to tell me to turn around and come back to him. But he never did. I knew he had checked the messages. And then all contact ceased. No texts, calls, anything. And I wondered why I was paying the phone bill. So I sent him a text asking him to call me by a certain time. Of course, he didn't.

I started thinking about why I loved him. He wasn't being attentive. Maybe I was being a little crazy, but we had JUST talked that morning about how we wanted to be together. He wasn't making me feel good about myself, it was quite the contrary. Our sex life had suffered in the past month as well. I had just gotten my replacement ATM card and I had spent almost all my money on him... again. WHY?

So I sent him another text telling him to talk to his pregnant daughter and give her another way to get ahold of him when it was time for the baby. Then I called the cell phone company and had the phone shut off. I had a brief moment of panic when I tried to figure out how I would ever talk to him again. Then I realized that was the whole point. I knew he'd just drain me emotionally and financially. I knew I had to get my self esteem back and it wouldn't happen with him in the picture.

I don't know what will happen with Big Daddy. I don't know if he'll move back south to his family. He told me over the past few days that he wouldn't, but he told me alot of things that never came to pass. I'm not bitter at all. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I love him like crazy, but it's just not healthy anymore. The game was too fast and the stakes were too high for me. There were things about him to which I turned a blind eye. He had a drinking problem and I drank too much when I was with him. He rarely worked so I was pretty much supporting him. We were always running here and there. When we lived together, we had many relaxing nights together, but that was never really his style. He was always moving and I was probably bringing him down. Although we're the same age, I wanted to live a quiet uneventful life and that wasn't in the cards for him. There was always some sort of anxiety around being with him. I lost alot of weight because I could rarely eat. I think it will be better (for him and me) if I pull myself off the field and just cheer on the sidelines. I need to rest, catch my breath, and sit this one out.

But I'll miss that passionate love we shared. Looks like another love TKO.