Blind-Sided Part 3

A very good friend recently texted me "Your life is a soap opera". And lately, that's been very true.

Just to bring you up to date, I did finally get roomie's car. It was pretty traumatic though. We had to ask a crapload of our friends to take me over there to get it. You see, roomie had just gotten surgery, and my car was still at the shop. We had no choice but to ask friends. Remember that very good friend up there? He couldn't do it, had some sort of function with his politico father. Most of my other friends live in the city and don't have cars. The rest of them were working. I had to call in sick because I was just overwhelmed by this, and with my medical condition, I was VERY worried about my own health. But roomie did finally find someone to take me to get the car, as I mentioned, about 35 miles away.

Roomie's friend shows up to pick me up, just in time for the mail carrier to drop off a box for XBD, from his mother. We open it and go through it. It's weird stuff.... soup mix, cold medicine, a Steelers scarf, and a Christmas card that says she hopes he and I have a Merry Christmas. It has me tearing up yet again. Surprisingly, it also has a $20 bill in it. I pocket it, and yet still feel bad doing it.

She drives me down there and we stop at FOBD's place of employment to pick up the keys. He is very comforting to me and says he just can't believe it, he never thought XBD would do this to me and my roomie. He tells me he talked to XBD again and I tell him I surprised he came by. FOBD says XBD found a phone charger and, miraculously, it fit his phone. We laugh at his good luck and he gives me the keys, we hug and I leave. Roomie's friend takes me to where the car is parked. It's there. We breathe yet another sigh of relief. I get in, adjust the seat, and get ready to call roomie. I can't call her yet. I'm just overwhelmed at what's happening. Just knowing that XBD's cell phone is on and working makes me want to call him, but I know that I can't. Well, I guess I could have, but I knew it wouldn't matter. I start heaving sobs yet again. I try to drive but have to pull over. I call roomie and tell her I have to compose myself before driving. She understands completely.

I had pulled over in a non-so-convenient place so I drive to FOBD's establishment to talk some more. He's glad I have the car. He breaks down and tells me that although he knows XBD has done this sort of thing before, it was years before and he never thought he'd do it to me, mainly because he knew XBD was very much in love with me. He says he really thought I was good for him and thought maybe he had changed. These words are bittersweet. I learned he really did love me after all, but knowing that also made it hurt even more. I had to leave. But I decided to walk the long way to where the car was parked so I could get another block of air, and to compose myself before getting behind the wheel.

I turned the corner and *BAM* I am about a millimeter short of bumping right into XBD. We had that awkward second of apologizing while trying to see who we just bumped into. When we realized who each other was, we both just burst into tears. Both of us. Standing there on the corner. Sobbing. Neither of us could take it anymore. We hugged and just stood there like that. We walk to the car and get in.

Roomie calls me and I answer. I motion for XBD to get out of the car for a minute. Roomie proceeds to tell me that a good friend of hers, who I have only met twice, has offered to lend me the money to get my car. I am back to sobbing. The outpouring of support from my roomie, despite my boyfriend taking her car, is just too much for me. I'm so very grateful to her, and her friends. We hang up and XBD gets in the car.

We start sobbing again, hugging and trying to talk, but being unable at first. We both know we can't be together anymore. He knows he fucked up good and proper and there's no turning back. We gain some sembelance of composure and he says some interesting things. He tells me that he thought all night and day about our ride to the Park N Ride that morning, when we had to pull over because we were both teary-eyed after declaring our love for each other. This is something that had been on my mind too. He said he remembered saying that all he needed at Christmas was to be with me, and now he doesn't even have that because of his stupidity. He tells me that he wishes he could make time go back so he could make better decisions. And then he tells me, "I know you don't think I love you, but I do. If you believe only one thing I've ever said, please believe that." I do.

People, he looked horrible. He was chewing his fingernails, something he only did when he was in a very uncomfortable position. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his cheek. I tried to smile through my tears and we kissed. I wanted to take him home and let him get a shower and lay on the couch together again, and then crawl into bed with his body wrapped around me. I wanted him to make love to me like he did before. His every touch making me lose my breath, every single time. I loved him so much at that moment that I wished I could make time go back too.

He asked me if there was any chance that we could get back together. I tell him it's too soon to try to think about such things, and he had to know he could never come back to Roomie's house. He says he understands, and he knows my mind is made up. I tell him, "It's not that my mind is made up, it's the way it HAS to be. You ruined it. I wish I could just drive us home together right now, but you ruined it. God I love you so much, but you ruined it." We're back to sobbing again because as much as we were in love, we wouldn't be waking up together every morning.

Folks, I was in a long-term relationship before and the last two years of it were hell due to things he did and I just fell out of love with him. I remember telling him "you ruined it" and being ready to walk away. But this time, telling XBD that he ruined it, but not wanting to walk away was a feeling I didn't understand. I didn't want things to end. I wanted to wake up and make it just be a dream, and he'd be lying beside me telling me everything would be okay. I'm so in love with him, but I have lost all trust in him. I wanted to take him home but I knew that wouldn't be smart. There was a war going on between my heart and my head.

You see, I had sympathy for XBD. I had made some not-so-great decisions in my relationship with him as well. I had slept with someone else and had such regret that it took me days to be able to look at XBD again. I understood his regret, and I knew how sorry he was. I'd done my share of things I regretted but what I did was between me and him, it didn't involve me taking anyone else's property. What I did was something we could work out between us. If it was just the money he took, we might have been able to work it out. But he crossed the line when he took roomie's car. And there was just no turning back.

Since then, we've talked a few times. We still tell each other that we love each other. I'm not going to lie, I still want to be with him. Most people probably wouldn't understand this. Most people would think I'm stupid. Hell, even *I* think I'm stupid. But I know we can't live together right now. Maybe we can take this slow. We talked last night about how we just jumped into this relationship without truly getting to know each other. I suppose the fact that we knew each other in passing, as well as knowing each others' friends, made us think that we knew everything we needed to know. That wasn't the case.

I don't know what the future will be for me and XBD (see, I'm still calling him EX Big Daddy). I'd like to think there is going to be a happy ending for us, but I just don't know.