The End of the End

Well folks, it's finally splitsville for me and Big Daddy. And this time it's for good. This issue he had back in December came back. And that I cannot tolerate. I believe in giving everyone a second chance. Lord knows I've deserved a second and third chance. But giving someone a second chance when it comes to drug abuse, well, that's where the chances end. I'm not even going to go into what happened in detail, it's irrelevant.

This all started last weekend, Sunday evening/Monday morning. It was quite a painful thing for me. My former husband was a full-on drug addict so revisiting that realization wasn't pretty for me. Having TWO men in my life turn to drugs, well, it put me in a place that I didn't know existed. So I ended things with Big Daddy, with the knowledge that I loved him in such a way that they don't even make words to describe. But choosing to end things is a little different than HAVING to end things. This was no choice. This was a must. And that, my friends, made it all the worse for me.

This weekend, we had planned a party for Big Daddy (we will now go back to referring to him as Ex-Big Daddy, or XBD). All of our friends would be there. This party was planned pretty far in advance and I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I decided to hold my head up, and go. After all, they were now my friends too. And I don't hate XBD, I wanted to be there for him, and celebrate his birthday. We were only broken up for a few days and I wanted to show him that I still love and care for him, and am willing to be his friend. So roomie and I are on our way down to said party when my phone rings and it's him. I hadn't told him I was going to the party, I wanted to surprise him. I answer and he tells me that the party is going on, and says some things to the effect of he didn't know if I was going, but a girl who he was formerly involved with showed up and he doesn't want me to feel put-off if he's flirting with her. I ask him if he's trying to tell me something. He says well, no, not really. I then ask him if he would be doing that if we were together. He says no, of course not. I say okay, but I don't tell him we're already on the road. I decide to call him back and tell him I'm on the way because surprising him no longer sounds like a good idea. He then tells me he's with this girl. All I can come up with is "so soon?". All he can answer is "yes".

I don't even know why I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know how XBD is, it's not his style to be alone for too long. So I show up, and I look fabulous. Everyone says I do. I see him, and it all seems so different. He looked different, hardened, weathered. We briefly talked and, although I held it together at the party, I cried all the way home. And all night.

Today I have the day off. I had planned it a long time ago, because I thought we'd be cleaning up after the party and what-not. I thought about all of the people at the party who thanked me for coming. I appreciated their support, and love, and words of encouragement. It was more than I could have hoped for. So many of them pulled me aside and told me they wanted me to continue coming down there because they really liked me and hoped I'd still be their friend even though he and I were no longer together. I would like to do that, but not right away.

As for XBD, well it's the end of the road for us. They're not building any extensions on this road ever. Yes, he had issues, and so did I. But I think back on that time I spent with him and smile. He was truly a great love for me. He brought out things in me that I forgot existed. I felt in love and loved like never before. I have some great memories and jokes and stories that I will cherish forever. He made me feel beautiful and adored and appreciated. For that, I thank him.