Was Blind, But Now I See

Wow. What a difference a day makes! Well, maybe a couple days. I'm no longer crying, no longer heaving sobs with the loss of that great love. Mostly I'm looking back at at things that happened over the past nine months in disbelief.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I wanted things to work with XBD so badly. Maybe I felt like I wanted to help him. Maybe I felt privileged to be with him, that this womanizer had chosen ME. Maybe I enjoyed the spotlight that being with him brought me. Whatever it is, the fog has lifted and I'm a different woman.

In the midst of my depression, and when I was off work the day after his birthday party, I decided to go back and read my blogs from the time when I was with him. And there was only one happy blog. The rest of them were filled with doubts about the relationship (Really, go back and read them!). I never doubted that he loved me, and I still don't, but I doubted the validity of the relationship. A LOT. That should have been a red flag for me right away. I look back with amazement, at what seems to be a "spell" that he had on me.

Yesterday, I started thinking about things in the relationship that should have shown me that things weren't right. First of all, I cheated on him. Why would I cheat on someone with whom I was so madly in love? I had a wandering eye and never considered it off limits to go out with someone else. I always told them I had a boyfriend, but I went out with them anyway. Secondly, I was worried about XBD meeting my family, co-workers, etc. I worried about how he would carry himself, whether he would be appropriate or not, and what he would discuss. He had a myriad of children (with the same number of mothers) that I didn't admit to everyone. Finally, I didn't admit to everyone that we were even dating. After what happened in December, I was ashamed of the fact that I was back together with him. Even my blogs showed that I avidly tried to hold back, but whatever drew me to him was so strong that I just fell back into the same cycle. But I didn't admit it to certain people in my life, because I didn't want them to think I was stupid. And why wouldn't I want them to think that? Unless I WAS stupid, of course. Words to ponder. And ponder I did.

So I got home and saw some of his sweatpants and a pair of shorts lying on a chair. I picked them up to put them in the dresser and decided I'd pack up some things for him. One empty dresser later, I felt an incredible feeling of release. I decided to stop at that point because if I kept on going, I'd be up all night. But I sat down, in the recliner that he had made his own, and looked around the room at all the possibilities. All that sports memorabilia? It would be gone. Those empty top-shelf liquor bottles? Gone. All of his breakfast-cereal-character-collectibles? Gone. And I'd have a whole new dresser for my own things, more room for my books, and a whole lot less clutter (honestly, the things he kept!).

I will not trash-talk XBD. As I said in my last blog, he did more for me than he probably realizes. If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living with the ex-husband, and miserable. I lost weight so I could look better for him (a little stress might have been involved to, but I did do it initially for him). This lead to better eating habits on my part, and an ability to say no to things that normally were my weakness (chocolate, chips, non-diet soda). I felt alive when I was with him, and completely loved. I hadn't felt like that since my first husband was alive and it brought out that light in me that had long been out.

I look back on my time with XBD and know I'll have some great memories. He had a huge role in a transitional part of my life, so it's not like I'm going to forget about him anytime soon. But it's in the same way I'll never forget that boss I had who taught me so much about business. I still love him and care about him, but it's in the same manner I love and care about other people in my life. It's no longer this all-consuming devotion. People come and go from our lives and some of them are special enough to have an impact on us that we'll never forget. They serve their purpose and then it's time for them to move on. I'd like to think that I did the same for XBD, but it's not important. All in all, it was a huge learning experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.