Table for One?

Last Friday, I went out for the first time in over 18 years as a single female. I was very aware of this fact prior to going out. The strange thing about it was that I went down to the bar where XBD bartends. He wasn't there, he was down south, visiting family and working. There was a big party being held there to which I had been invited. I begged a girlfriend to go with me, and she agreed to tag along.

The day before I was to embark on my first single-outing, I asked roomie if she had something cute I could wear. I have plenty of clothes, but I wanted something a little more risque, maybe a little more revealing. I'm not the type to wear overtly sexy clothes, but she is. She pulls out one of the tightest skirts I've ever seen. I try it on. With my new body, it looks great on me. I settle on a loose-fitting button-down to go with it, and add some jewelry. The girlfriend comes over and she's looking outstanding as well. We head down.

We walk in and I can't tell you how many comments I got saying I never dressed like that when I was with XBD. I can only reply that the weather was never warm enough to wear outfits like this (partly true). I don't do anything remotely different than I did when I was with XBD. I dance, I chat, I greet people etc. But it felt different. I felt like... an outsider. I'm not sure why, everyone graciously greeted me and told me it was great to see me. And I believed them. But it was just different being single in that place where XBD and I spent so much time together.

I did get chatted up a few times throughout the evening. But I wasn't feeling it. I felt awkward and I wanted to say, "I'm not ready for this". There were a few good prospects, and I even got asked out by one of them. I didn't accept, because I didn't feel it was fair to them to accept a date, and not truly be interested in them. And I'm not going to use a date as a gauge to measure my readiness for dating. The longer I was there, the more I realized I'm just not ready to enter the dating world again. I looked at these men who approached me and although they were nice, eligible, and good-looking, they weren't HIM. I felt no attraction to them, and I felt bad about it.

Yes, I'm a single girl again. But that's probably where I'll stay for a while. When I stop being physically attracted to XBD, I can move on. I know that being XBD's girlfriend isn't an option for me. But I can't deny that I still love him. I'm going to take my time, give myself time to get over him, and enjoy being with ME for a while.