On the Road Again

Remember when I said it was the end of the road for XBD and me? Well, I might have gotten on a road that runs parallel to the one we had been on. I know, you're thinking I've lost it. I'm cuckoo. Just. plain. stupid. Allow me to elaborate.

I had a pretty major health problem almost the entire time XBD and I were together. The doctors finally found out what was wrong with me, and I was ecstatic. The cure was fairly simple, but it was going to leave me sick for a couple weeks. XBD's best friend was always aware of my health issues and constantly called to check on me. It was natural for me to call him and tell him they found the root of the problem, it was being treated, and I would be sick for a while. He in turn called XBD and told him about it. This prompted him to call me and tell me he was hurt that he had to hear it from someone else, and asked me why I didn't call him. I told him I didn't really think about it, he had dumped me for someone else, so I assumed he wasn't interested. He was really hurt that he had been with me the entire time I was being tested, poked and prodded and I hadn't shared the good news with him. I reiterated that I didn't think he really cared. He then told me he was leaving town in a few days, would be gone for a little over a week, and when he returned, he would come stay with me while I was recovering if I needed someone. I told him I'd probably be feeling better by the time he returned, but I appreciated the offer.

So XBD took his cousin and his son and headed south to do some work and visit family. He promised to call me when he arrived at his family's house and he did. He told me even the minute details of the drive down there, all while talking a mile a minute. This was funny to me because this was something he would do when he hadn't talked to me for a while, really missed me, and wanted to fill me in on the details of his life. Every few days throughout his trip, he'd call and share the details of their time there. The job ran longer than they intended and they stayed another week, making his trip a full two weeks.

During those two weeks, XBD and I agreed to remain friends, and I spoke to him only as a friend when he called. Occassionally, we'd tell each other we still loved each other, but we knew we wouldn't be together again. It was bittersweet, but necessary. During one call, I asked him, "why are you calling so much, do you miss me or something?" He responded, "I wouldn't be calling you if I didn't miss you". We agreed to get together when he returned, as friends. Again, I didn't ask him about the other girl, although I felt strange agreeing to meet him if he had someone else. I wanted to see him, but I didn't at the same time. I was confused and scared and nervous. I chose to believe that he was calling to check on me, as I was very sick almost the entire time he was gone and was on some heavy-duty medication.

We talked about getting together the Sunday after he got back (he was getting back on a Thursday). As the days got closer to him arriving home, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I asked him what was up between us. He replied, "we're going to be friends, right?" I agreed we would, but I had something else on my mind as well. We were always very physically attracted to each other and I hadn't had sex since the last time I was with him. I finally just break down and ask if we'll be sleeping together. He says yes, he'd planned on it. I was relieved and knew it wouldn't be all bad. With all the things that happened in our past, and how hurt I was, I tried to figure out how this was going to work. I decided the best thing to do was to just be "in the moment" while I was with him. I wouldn't talk about what happened in the past, nor would I think about the future. I knew it would be hard, but I knew it would be the only way I could be friends with XBD.

By the time he got back, it had been a month since I last saw him and I missed him horribly. He called me when he got home and we agreed to meet on Sunday as planned. But he texted me the next day to say that he was free that night (Friday). Since he would be free, I asked him how he would feel about not just getting together that night, but also attending my work picnic the next day, just as friends. He agrees to go and I know that minimally, we'll have a good time. At this point, I felt it necessary to ask about the other girl. He said he hadn't talked to her since before his trip, and didn't intend to. I didn't agree to see him ONLY to "hook up", I did it because it wouldn't be something that would hurt anyone else's feelings. If he was still with her, I wouldn't have seen him.

I told him I could use a good drunk, since I hadn't drank since I'd been sick. He agreed to come up and I met him after work Friday night. It was awkward at first. We stood at arms length and greeted each other very much friend-like. But when we had our first moments alone, he pulled me close and hugged me. Several times. It felt warm and familiar and it scared the bejesus out of me. I didn't know what to do so I just hugged back. We had a few drinks and talked. He had gotten some sun, the color was back in his face and he was the same fun guy I remembered. But I'm not going to lie, it was awkward. Neither of us knew how to act. Occassionally, we would accidently touch each other and quickly jerk away. We decided to go someplace closer to home (my home) and we took off. We had a few more drinks and came back to my place. We were intimate, it was incredible, and I realized how much I missed that closeness with him. It was scary that he still knew exactly what I liked, and he had no problems jumping back in the saddle.

We woke up the next day, had some more intimate time and headed to the local amusement park for my work picnic. It was a beautiful day and we really had a great time. It was a little different not holding hands, not touching all the time, etc. But he would occassionally put his arm around my shoulders as we were walking and pull me close. I'd lean into his body and enjoy it. I tried not to initiate too much contact because I didn't want him to think I was trying to be more than the friends that we agreed on. I also knew that getting back together with him wasn't a good idea. But I was enjoying this time with him. It was like the beginning where we were nervous, and didn't have any issues to discuss. We did talk about sex ALOT that day though, while we were at this amusement park. How we managed to do it without others knowing, I have no idea. Looking back, it was obvious that we were still very much attracted to each other. After we spent the day at the park where he met several people with whom I work, we stopped for a bite to eat on the way home, and came back to my place and crashed.

When we awoke on Sunday, we discussed going to the baseball game. I was all for it, baseball being my all-time favorite sport. He hemmed and hawed. He'd been wanting to see PNC Park for quite some time and he finally agreed. We had more intimate time and he admitted he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the game because he wanted to spend some more alone time with me. This caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I touched his face and said, "aww, I'm touched" and we both laughed. Our time at the game was really fun. We laughed, high-fived, and did a whole lot of touching. If he didn't have his hand on my knee, I had my arm around his shoulders, or our legs were touching. Despite all this intimacy, I didn't feel that closeness we once had, and it was clear our relationship was evolving. To what, I'm not sure.

On the way home, we discussed what was happening between us. He admitted that he was never really "with" the other girl. He said he knew he had pretty much kissed his relationship with me good-bye when he had her at his birthday party, and to save face, he had gone out with her a couple times, but had never slept with her, or anyone else. I admitted that I hadn't slept with anyone else either. We agreed that we'd continue to be friends and would sleep together exclusively, until one of us moved on. We agreed to be honest and let each other know if either of us found someone else. Although I missed him being "mine", this took a ton of pressure off of us to be a couple.

We said our good-byes and I assumed I would talk to him in a few days or maybe a week. Wrong. He called me twice that night, and during one conversation he told me, "you know I love you, right?" I told him I did, and told him I still love him as well. In the next conversation, we both said we regretted allowing so many others to be involved in our relationship. When we did split up, his friends all told him he was crazy. My friends all told me never to talk to him again. We agreed that the details of our friendship would be off-limits to everyone else.

I awoke to my alarm on Monday morning and saw I had a new text message from him that was sent at 2am.... "woke up missin u". What else could I reply, but "missin u too".

The scenery on this road is different. Despite his declarations of love for me and me for him, I don't expect anything out of this relationship, and I'm free to see other people if I so desire. I don't know what will happen in the future between us. All I know is that I'm seeing him again tomorrow... on the new road.