Woman in Trouble

Well folks, a wrench has been thrown in the "friends" relationship with XBD. After what I thought was a heart-felt talk with him, I spent a couple more days with him.

One thing I didn't mention in my last blog was that immediately after he left, I started feeling really ill. Puking, headaches, nausea. Day after day after day. I panicked and checked my calendar and realized I had spent those three days with XBD in direct correlation to my ovulation date. Just great. But I refused to panic. This was really early in the game, and I tried to ignore that these were the exact same signs I had immediately after conception in prior pregnancies.

Remember the DUI snafu back in January? Well, he had his court date and it was determined that he could do 30 days of house arrest, or 48 hours in jail. He chose the jail time. He went in on that Monday after we had spent all that time together and was released on Wednesday. We had agreed that I would pick him up. I did, and he asked to stay at my house for the night. I was open to it; we had spent those three great days together and I figured what's a couple more? On the way to my house, SHE called him. At that point, I told him, "look, are you going to continue to see her?" He said no, that he hadn't seen her since before he had left to go south, and didn't plan on seeing her anymore. I made it clear that if he was going to see her, I'd rather just drop him off at his own house and call it a day. I explained that I'm not a competitive person, and if this was going to be a major decision for him (me or her), that I would step-aside and bow out gracefully. Being friends, you can do that. He insisted he wouldn't be seeing her, it wasn't a major decision, and we headed to my place. Two more days of steamy sex followed.

Then came Friday. I decided not to drive down and meet him. We needed space after spending so much time together and I wanted to keep things in perspective. Saturday I found out he indeed spent Friday evening with her. I wasn't mad, surprisingly. I was disappointed that he lied to me, but I wasn't mad. We had agreed that we were nothing but FWB. I can't even say I was really hurt, I half-expected it. I told him I wouldn't be meeting him Saturday either. Because I'm so non-competitive, I don't want to hurt anyone. Including her. She didn't "steal" XBD away from me. I believe people make their own decisions and if he decided he wanted to be with her instead of me, sobeit. I'm not a stalker, or a beggar and pleader. We talked on the phone about it for about 20 minutes, the conversation ending in no real resolution, although it was established that he was going to continue to see her, so the ball was in my court. I didn't say it, but I knew I would be bowing out.

When the conversation was over, I promptly walked in the house and threw up. So now, we have a situation here. I've been puking, headachy and nauseous for the past week. Sure signs for me that I'm pregnant. This is not good people. Notice how I mentioned up there that I had been pregnant several years ago? This should also point out that I'm entirely too old to be pregnant at this time of my life. Over the past week, I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to him in passing. I was really attempting to prime him for it, without actually saying it, because I don't have any proof yet. I know there is a period of time that has to pass before a test will even read a positive result. But my body has always known right away in the past (I've had two children and lost two) so I know how it works.

When I had mentioned my pregnancy fear to XBD, he told me, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted me to have it, if I was indeed pregnant. This was all before he said he was going to continue to see her, and I had decided to bow out gracefully. He then called me about 1/2 hour after we hung up and said, "if you are pregnant, I still want you to have it". I told him it would have to be something we'd talk about it. I had already scheduled an appointment to have a pregnancy test "officially" taken by my PCP. The nurse had asked me when I thought conception had occurred, and they gave me a day that should give enough time for an accurate reading to occur. That appointment is in three days. Because it is a blood test, I may not have the results for another two days after that.

People, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't believe in abortion. I believe it is murder. However, I do believe that abortions should be safe and legal. I know not everyone believes as I do, and that's their business, not mine. I'm not a crazy right-to-lifer who condemns people who don't share the same viewpoint with me. It's merely my belief. But there's the other side of me who can't imagine raising a child alone, and how this would keep me tied to this man for the rest of my life. But then I don't believe abortions should be done just because "having a baby would be really inconvenient right now" (something that someone actually said to me). And trust me, this would REALLY be inconvenient for me. I just got over a MAJOR illness, XBD and I broke up, and he's seeing someone else to boot.

My life just made a left turn that I didn't see coming. What to do, what to do....