Middle of the End?

I consider my Blind-Sided posts to be the beginning of the end for me and ex-Big Daddy (XBD). I can only assume that what's happening now is the middle of the end.

I don't know what causes me to be drawn so heavily to XBD. I think he made me feel so good that I didn't want to give that up. Even after he made me feel so bad. Whatever the case may be, I spent a few days over Christmas with him. A friend of mine was going to NYC for the holidays to see her family and she let me stay at her apartment in the city. XBD and I had been talking and were both going to be alone. Since we had planned on spending the holiday together anyway, we talked about getting together.

As the days led up to Christmas, I got this uneasy feeling about us getting together. I wasn't uneasy about being with him, I was uneasy that he would cancel and I would truly be stuck alone. On Christmas Eve, I hadn't talked to him in two days and I was sick to my stomach. Eating wasn't even possible. He finally called me and we made plans to meet. I packed up some of his clothes in a bag and met him locally.

We drove into the city and stayed at my friend's apartment. It was a rough Christmas. We just couldn't get on the same page emotionally. I was trying to just enjoy our time together, and not think about the past. I made the choice to be with him because I still love him, not to be a bitch. He was stand-offish because I think he was expecting me to be a bitch.

The days passed and we managed to get on track. We agreed that we love each other, but living together isn't possible right now. He talked about paying me back and getting his life in order. We hugged, kissed and I knew I was stupid for doing it. I couldn't help it. I loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know why.

Saturday we headed out of the city to take him home. We agreed that we could stay at the little local motel there. We never made it there. We stopped for a drink and he ran into a friend. The friend said some things that didn't sit right with me. I won't go into it, but it made me question XBD's love for me. The friend insisted that he loves me, but I wasn't buying it. XBD took his bag out of my trunk and walked off. As I started to drive away, I rationalized that I was letting something that someone else said come between us. I stopped and waved him over. He started walking toward me when another friend pulled up and called out to him. He went over to that friend and got in the car. I turned around and started driving home. This was a symbol of so many aspects of our relationship.

He texted me several times, asking me how the car was running. He told me he loved me, but didn't want me to bitch at him. I told him I had no plans to bitch at him. But he wouldn't call me. He refused. I left him a couple messages. I begged him to tell me to turn around and come back to him. But he never did. I knew he had checked the messages. And then all contact ceased. No texts, calls, anything. And I wondered why I was paying the phone bill. So I sent him a text asking him to call me by a certain time. Of course, he didn't.

I started thinking about why I loved him. He wasn't being attentive. Maybe I was being a little crazy, but we had JUST talked that morning about how we wanted to be together. He wasn't making me feel good about myself, it was quite the contrary. Our sex life had suffered in the past month as well. I had just gotten my replacement ATM card and I had spent almost all my money on him... again. WHY?

So I sent him another text telling him to talk to his pregnant daughter and give her another way to get ahold of him when it was time for the baby. Then I called the cell phone company and had the phone shut off. I had a brief moment of panic when I tried to figure out how I would ever talk to him again. Then I realized that was the whole point. I knew he'd just drain me emotionally and financially. I knew I had to get my self esteem back and it wouldn't happen with him in the picture.

I don't know what will happen with Big Daddy. I don't know if he'll move back south to his family. He told me over the past few days that he wouldn't, but he told me alot of things that never came to pass. I'm not bitter at all. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I love him like crazy, but it's just not healthy anymore. The game was too fast and the stakes were too high for me. There were things about him to which I turned a blind eye. He had a drinking problem and I drank too much when I was with him. He rarely worked so I was pretty much supporting him. We were always running here and there. When we lived together, we had many relaxing nights together, but that was never really his style. He was always moving and I was probably bringing him down. Although we're the same age, I wanted to live a quiet uneventful life and that wasn't in the cards for him. There was always some sort of anxiety around being with him. I lost alot of weight because I could rarely eat. I think it will be better (for him and me) if I pull myself off the field and just cheer on the sidelines. I need to rest, catch my breath, and sit this one out.

But I'll miss that passionate love we shared. Looks like another love TKO.

Blind-Sided Part 3

A very good friend recently texted me "Your life is a soap opera". And lately, that's been very true.

Just to bring you up to date, I did finally get roomie's car. It was pretty traumatic though. We had to ask a crapload of our friends to take me over there to get it. You see, roomie had just gotten surgery, and my car was still at the shop. We had no choice but to ask friends. Remember that very good friend up there? He couldn't do it, had some sort of function with his politico father. Most of my other friends live in the city and don't have cars. The rest of them were working. I had to call in sick because I was just overwhelmed by this, and with my medical condition, I was VERY worried about my own health. But roomie did finally find someone to take me to get the car, as I mentioned, about 35 miles away.

Roomie's friend shows up to pick me up, just in time for the mail carrier to drop off a box for XBD, from his mother. We open it and go through it. It's weird stuff.... soup mix, cold medicine, a Steelers scarf, and a Christmas card that says she hopes he and I have a Merry Christmas. It has me tearing up yet again. Surprisingly, it also has a $20 bill in it. I pocket it, and yet still feel bad doing it.

She drives me down there and we stop at FOBD's place of employment to pick up the keys. He is very comforting to me and says he just can't believe it, he never thought XBD would do this to me and my roomie. He tells me he talked to XBD again and I tell him I surprised he came by. FOBD says XBD found a phone charger and, miraculously, it fit his phone. We laugh at his good luck and he gives me the keys, we hug and I leave. Roomie's friend takes me to where the car is parked. It's there. We breathe yet another sigh of relief. I get in, adjust the seat, and get ready to call roomie. I can't call her yet. I'm just overwhelmed at what's happening. Just knowing that XBD's cell phone is on and working makes me want to call him, but I know that I can't. Well, I guess I could have, but I knew it wouldn't matter. I start heaving sobs yet again. I try to drive but have to pull over. I call roomie and tell her I have to compose myself before driving. She understands completely.

I had pulled over in a non-so-convenient place so I drive to FOBD's establishment to talk some more. He's glad I have the car. He breaks down and tells me that although he knows XBD has done this sort of thing before, it was years before and he never thought he'd do it to me, mainly because he knew XBD was very much in love with me. He says he really thought I was good for him and thought maybe he had changed. These words are bittersweet. I learned he really did love me after all, but knowing that also made it hurt even more. I had to leave. But I decided to walk the long way to where the car was parked so I could get another block of air, and to compose myself before getting behind the wheel.

I turned the corner and *BAM* I am about a millimeter short of bumping right into XBD. We had that awkward second of apologizing while trying to see who we just bumped into. When we realized who each other was, we both just burst into tears. Both of us. Standing there on the corner. Sobbing. Neither of us could take it anymore. We hugged and just stood there like that. We walk to the car and get in.

Roomie calls me and I answer. I motion for XBD to get out of the car for a minute. Roomie proceeds to tell me that a good friend of hers, who I have only met twice, has offered to lend me the money to get my car. I am back to sobbing. The outpouring of support from my roomie, despite my boyfriend taking her car, is just too much for me. I'm so very grateful to her, and her friends. We hang up and XBD gets in the car.

We start sobbing again, hugging and trying to talk, but being unable at first. We both know we can't be together anymore. He knows he fucked up good and proper and there's no turning back. We gain some sembelance of composure and he says some interesting things. He tells me that he thought all night and day about our ride to the Park N Ride that morning, when we had to pull over because we were both teary-eyed after declaring our love for each other. This is something that had been on my mind too. He said he remembered saying that all he needed at Christmas was to be with me, and now he doesn't even have that because of his stupidity. He tells me that he wishes he could make time go back so he could make better decisions. And then he tells me, "I know you don't think I love you, but I do. If you believe only one thing I've ever said, please believe that." I do.

People, he looked horrible. He was chewing his fingernails, something he only did when he was in a very uncomfortable position. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his cheek. I tried to smile through my tears and we kissed. I wanted to take him home and let him get a shower and lay on the couch together again, and then crawl into bed with his body wrapped around me. I wanted him to make love to me like he did before. His every touch making me lose my breath, every single time. I loved him so much at that moment that I wished I could make time go back too.

He asked me if there was any chance that we could get back together. I tell him it's too soon to try to think about such things, and he had to know he could never come back to Roomie's house. He says he understands, and he knows my mind is made up. I tell him, "It's not that my mind is made up, it's the way it HAS to be. You ruined it. I wish I could just drive us home together right now, but you ruined it. God I love you so much, but you ruined it." We're back to sobbing again because as much as we were in love, we wouldn't be waking up together every morning.

Folks, I was in a long-term relationship before and the last two years of it were hell due to things he did and I just fell out of love with him. I remember telling him "you ruined it" and being ready to walk away. But this time, telling XBD that he ruined it, but not wanting to walk away was a feeling I didn't understand. I didn't want things to end. I wanted to wake up and make it just be a dream, and he'd be lying beside me telling me everything would be okay. I'm so in love with him, but I have lost all trust in him. I wanted to take him home but I knew that wouldn't be smart. There was a war going on between my heart and my head.

You see, I had sympathy for XBD. I had made some not-so-great decisions in my relationship with him as well. I had slept with someone else and had such regret that it took me days to be able to look at XBD again. I understood his regret, and I knew how sorry he was. I'd done my share of things I regretted but what I did was between me and him, it didn't involve me taking anyone else's property. What I did was something we could work out between us. If it was just the money he took, we might have been able to work it out. But he crossed the line when he took roomie's car. And there was just no turning back.

Since then, we've talked a few times. We still tell each other that we love each other. I'm not going to lie, I still want to be with him. Most people probably wouldn't understand this. Most people would think I'm stupid. Hell, even *I* think I'm stupid. But I know we can't live together right now. Maybe we can take this slow. We talked last night about how we just jumped into this relationship without truly getting to know each other. I suppose the fact that we knew each other in passing, as well as knowing each others' friends, made us think that we knew everything we needed to know. That wasn't the case.

I don't know what the future will be for me and XBD (see, I'm still calling him EX Big Daddy). I'd like to think there is going to be a happy ending for us, but I just don't know.

Blind-Sided, Part 2

The saga with Big Daddy (now XBD) has ended. I called the cell phone company this morning, had the password on his phone reset and started listening to messages. One particular female had called him several times. I called her immediately. I got an answering machine and start talking. I tell her who I am, and who I'm looking for. She picks up and tells me who she is. They shared a child together who died 10 days after he was born, almost 25 years ago to the day today. I knew of her, but I didn't actually know her personally.

I asked this woman if she saw XBD the evening before and she admitted she did. She told me she was with him a little motel in the area. I know of the place, he and I stayed there several times before we moved in together. I didn't ask any particulars of their meeting. She insisted they were not involved, but that didn't matter to me. My priority was to get my roomie's car. I ask her if she knows where it is. She tells me where it's parked.

I call FOBD and tell him what this woman has told me. He immediately gets dressed and goes to see if the car is where she said it was. It was there, not a scratch on it. Thank God. BUT, we still don't have keys to it. The location of the car is in a parking lot directly across from the little motel. FOBD attempts to check to see if XBD is still at the motel, but he doesn't know which room and nobody is answering the bell at the front desk, or their phone. I tell roomie where her car is, and ask what she wants to do. She doesn't want to have it towed, because she still won't have a key to it, and they'll probably charge HER to tow it. We decide to wait to see if we hear from XBD.

FOBD calls me around 7:30am and says XBD has called him. He says XBD claimed to have left the keys to the car, and my ATM card, in his mailbox. He checks and they are both indeed there. He then proceeds to tell XBD that he really fucked up and he MUST call one or both of us to apologize. He explains to him that this is not behavior you should have with people you care about, and who care about you too. Apparently, XBD says nothing in return. FOBD calls me and tells me he has the keys and tells me what transpired. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

At 8:15am, I get a text message from XBD. He apologizes, and asks if he needs to turn himself into the police and says he would call but the battery is almost dead on the phone. I tell him no, roomie just wanted her car back. I then tell him I'm so sad because I really loved him. I tell him I can drop his things off at FOBD's house, and I would appreciate him leaving the keys to the house too, so roomie doesn't have to change all the locks. He responds by apologizing profusely to me again. I tell him again, I love him but I can't be with him anymore, I hope he's well, and tell him I'll be okay. I get no response from him.

Friends, why do people do things like this to good people? I understand there was some substance abuse going on last night. Duh. But he, I and roomie were all living together. Why would he do that to the people who share a roof with him, people he allegedly cared about? I remember sitting with him on the couch, him lying with his head in my lap. I scratched his head while he rubbed my legs. This happened two days prior to him doing all this. We shared those tears the same morning he did all this.

All I can think is that some people have a demon inside of them that comes out sometimes. And it makes them act in a way that they wouldn't normally. I'm not making excuses for him. He did something so very shitty and I am angry. But I knew him. We shared thoughts, dreams, a home. He would come home and put his legs up in the recliner. He would read the paper, wearing the reading glasses that he hated having to admit he needed. Whenever he would see me either undressed or in a partial state of undress, he would say "row!". And what he did last night wasn't the Big Daddy that I lived with. This was another person altogether, apparently hibernating for the past six months.

There's something to be said about the duality of man. I don't know what that something is, but I can attest to the fact that it's there in some people.

Blind-Sided

Nobody really reads my blogs. I'm happy about that. Especially now. Friends, I've been blind-sided. Bamboozled. Taken in by the old Hoboken Hustle. Whatever that means.

It all started this morning when Big Daddy was taking me to the local Park N Ride. This is a morning ritual for us, but a tad bit different today. First of all, we were in our landlord/roommate's car because (see previous post) my car was still in the shop. Secondly, we had to pull over because we both got teary-eyed over something he said. What he said started the blind-siding process. I mentioned to him that Christmas is only a week away. He said, "I don't want you to get me anything for Christmas, just being with you is enough for me". I immediately get teary-eyed, something I rarely do. And he gets teary-eyed and has to pull over because he can't see. Now Big Daddy is a sensitive sort, so he pulls over and we hug, kiss and cry together.

I hand him my debit card so he can take it to the shop to pay for my car. Yes! We'll have wheels for the first time in a week. We make plans for him to pay for the car, then when he picks me up from the Park N Ride in our roomie's car, we'll drive directly to the garage and pick it up.

He moved on to bamboozling when he calls me at 4:15 and says he just left the garage. Excellent. Then he texts me at 5:00 and says he's waiting for me at the Park N Ride. Better. Then texts me again at 5:05 and says he's going to run to the gas station (across street) to go pee. I get to the Park N Ride at 5:15 and no Big Daddy. I wait a few minutes and try to call him. No answer. I guess this is the time I should say that we live a good ways away from the Park N Ride. Really, a GOOD ways away. I find this out THE HARD WAY when I start walking home. On my way home, I call him several times. NO response. I have to call the roomie and see if he's there. He's not. I have to tell her he never picked me up in her car. Shit. I find out THE HARD WAY that it takes about two hours to walk from the Park N Ride to my house, in heels, and freezing weather.

As I'm walking, I get uneasy that him not picking me up might mean he never paid for my car. I call a good friend of his and explain the situation to him. He is livid. Unbeknownst to me, Big Daddy has pulled this sort of thing before. Ahhhh, NOW you tell me. Friend of Big Daddy (FOBD) calls around to see if he can find him. Nothing. Roomie calls me to ask for updates, and to make sure I'm making it home. See, where we live, which is sort of like country living, there are no street lights. I'm wearing a black coat, and brown slacks. Not good. FOBD also calls to check on me walking from time to time, and see if I've heard anything yet.

I walk in the house at 7:30pm, immediately go to the computer and check to see if my debit card has been used at the garage. It hasn't. It HAS been used FIVE times in various amounts about 35 miles away. I immediately report the card stolen and burst into tears. I call FOBD and tell him what happened. I explain to him that I don't care about the money, I just need him to bring my roommate's car back. FOBD understands and says he's been calling around to see if anyone has heard from him. Nobody has. At this point, Big Daddy has been gone with roomie's car for several hours.

Eight o'clock comes and roommie has no other option but to call the police. She doesn't want to, but what else can she do? I don't blame her. The officer comes over and takes her report. I answer all questions posed to me honestly. No, he's never done this before; yes, he's had my debit card many times before and never acted irresponsibly with it; no, I don't think he has a drug problem; yes, I have his cell number and I provide it. Hey, I'm paying the bill and it's in my name, I can give out the number. The officer asks roomie if she really just wants to get her car back. She does. He agrees to put out an APB-type of thing where the cops will just look for her car and if they see it, they'll stop him just to check on his well-being and if he's fine, tell him to just call roomie or me in their presence and then drive the car home. We all agree that's a good way to handle it.

Then he gets the cops with the old Hoboken Hustle. They call his cell number. Someone answers, doesn't say anything, and quickly hangs up. They call back. A female answers, and the cop asks for Big Daddy. She says he's not there, she found his cell phone abandoned at a bar. They ask where. She gives the name and location and says her name is Jennifer. The local cops call the cops where the bar is located. They send out a cruiser to check it out. As they do that, the call goes out and FOBD's father hears it on his police scanner, when they mention Big Daddy's name. FOBD calls his brothers and they immediately go out looking for Big Daddy. So the cops show up at the bar, and ask for Jennifer. Of course, there is nobody there named Jennifer. The phone isn't there either. Roomie's car is nowhere to be found. The cops there call the cops here and explain. The cops here are mad now. They're being fucked with, and they know it. They immediately up the well-being-check to a full-out warrant.

It's now 1:30am and no word from Big Daddy. His cell phone is my old one, so I know the battery is probably good and dead now. Anytime I've tried to call, it goes directly to voice mail. I don't care about the money, I care about my roommate's car. She needs it. She paid for it. It's hers.

People, I'm a pretty smart cookie. I can usually read people pretty well. But this man got me pretty good. He got me for a few hundred dollars, which is small potatoes compared to him getting my heart. When we first got together, he once told me, "you can fuck with my head all day long, but please don't fuck with my heart". I never thought he'd do it to me. I remember the times we talked all night long about our feelings for each other. I'd overheard him tell others how he fell in love and just couldn't go home. But mostly, I remember that last drive to the Park N Ride, where we had to pull over because we were both teary-eyed after declaring our love for each other.

He got my heart, and he threw it out the window like a cigarette butt when it's reached the filter. He took my trust in him and dropped it off like old clothes at the donation bin. Then he drove off, finished with the nicotine and glad someone else can use the hand-me-downs. I can't imagine he'd think he can actually come back here to live with me at this point.

Friends, this was a shock to me. I'm sad, disappointed, mad, and confused. I don't know what I'll say to him when he picks up his things. Sometimes I think I'd like to know if he ever loved me, but I know that doesn't matter. What matters is that I loved him. And I'm broken hearted.

Sabotage!

Friends, have you ever had that moment where you realize how ridiculous you've been acting? I came across that moment last night. More on that later.

I have a very good friend who got dumped by the man she intended to marry. She had been acting a little crazy and that's probably why he broke things off with him. Apparently, he had been very attentive to her in the beginning. But as time went by, he would occassionally let her calls go to voice mail, ignore texts and wouldn't always return her calls. This drove her batty. When it would happen, she would call him four, five, 10 more times at various numbers. Now I would have learned at call three that I needed to leave a message and call it a day. Not this friend! She was relentless. He never told her why he dumped her, but I assumed it was her stalker behavior. She had unwittingly sabotaged her own relationship.

She recently left me a voice mail message saying, "I'm calling you because I don't want to call him. But I just want to know WHY he broke things off... and I want to know WHY he didn't call me and tell me, he just sent an e-mail..." I proceeded to let her know that he didn't call her and break things off because he's a punk ass. However, WHY he broke things off is irrelevent at this point. All she needs to know now is that he doesn't feel she's the girl for him. If she knew, would she change? Is it appropriate for her to change? If so, why? Shouldn't he love her for HER? I told her to quit crying over someone that doesn't want her. Someone is waiting for her right now. Why is she keeping him waiting while she pines over this guy? Truer words were never spoken.

Then came yesterday. I was having car issues and was REALLY angry, and pretty much blaming it all on Big Daddy. Apparently, it hit home for him; I was ruthless and he must have really wanted to get away. He said he was leaving for the night because he's working in the morning and it's kinda far away, but I'm sure it was mainly that he was tired of hearing my mouth. It was a split decision for him to leave and, I'll be honest, it put me out a little. If he would have left maybe a couple hours later, it would have been better all the way around. But, he had made his mind up and I was livid. He was gone before I would have gotten home from work. I tried to call him several times and text him. Nothing.

So when a friend called asking me to go drinking, I was more than willing to imbibe. The beers were flowing like the Point State Park fountain. And the more they flowed, the more convinced I became that Big Daddy was gone. For good. I hadn't called him since late afternoon, so I tried to call him, but got his voice mail. I didn't bother. I tell my friend that I'm pretty sure I've been dumped. Since Big Daddy and I share a phone plan that's in my name, I imagine that he's gone and left the phone, which is why he wasn't answering. My mind's eye saw the phone sitting somewhere in the house, just ringing. I went over the events of the day and realized I had sabotaged my own relationship.

Remember those true words up there? Well, they sunk in. And I came to accept the fact that he left, and I didn't blame him. I'm not the easiest person to live with, I'm particular and generally want things done a certain way. I'm also a real grouch in the morning. I had effectively and efficiently ran him out of my life. I got home and was literally afraid to enter. I knew how lonely I'd feel without his things around me. I knew I'd fucked up good and proper and he deserved better. I opened the door... and all of his things were still there. I opened a couple drawers and his clothes were neatly folded and in order. The picture of him and his mom was sitting on his dresser. If he was gone, he would have taken it with him. That woman is his life.

I couldn't help but be glad that I managed to score myself a do-over! Or is it merely a temporary stay of execution? If it is a do-over, he must REALLY love me. And I'm going to REALLY try not to fuck up the do-over. But that may be wishful thinking. It's been 24 hours with no word from him. The execution may be scheduled at a time more convenient for him to come pick up his things.

Whatever the case may be, I'll be okay. If he comes home to stay, I'll know I dodged a bullet and try to bite my tongue more often. If he leaves, I'll be sad (VERY sad), but I'll also have learned something the hard way. Again.